All of Me
by unbreakable86
Summary: "I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride. I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you." A little fluff, a little angst, and lots of love. This is a collection of A/O one-shots, all contained in the same universe.
1. Chapter 1: All of Me

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything but my crazy ideas. Any unoriginal characters belong to Dick Wolf. If they were mine, Cabenson would have been real years ago, Kim would be with Abbie, and Serena would be Mrs. Novak. :)**

 **A/N 1: This is slightly AU. I just bent the plot a little to my liking. :) Alex never went to Africa in this. Set in season thirteen. A big shout out and thank you to agapeandzoe for encouraging me to publish this.**

 **A/N 2: This is a first for me. Writing a story in English. Sorry for any mistakes. English is not my first language. But by all means feel free to point them out to me. ;)**

 **All of Me**

" _I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride…"_

You are lying stretched out on the couch, giving a contented sigh before burying yourself deeper into your lover's embrace; your head in the crook of her neck, your nose breathing in her essence.

"Mmmh, you smell so good," you breathe into her ear, kissing the lobe lightly before laying your head right back where it was moments prior, putting your hand on her chest. Feeling her heartbeat. You can hear her breath hitch when your lips brush her ear and it makes you smile.

"Why Detective, what's so funny?" Her husky voice brings you back to the present.

"Just thinking about how much I love emitting these little noises from _the_ Alex Cabot. Big bad ADA my ass."

Your comment earns you a hearty chuckle and you think that you would do anything to hear that sound again. God, how you love this woman. The first time you saw her, she strutted into the 1-6, wearing a black pencil skirt, a white blouse, her jacket neatly folded over her arm, not a hair out of place, black framed glasses perched on her nose, attaché in hand, topping off her appearance with three-inch Prada heels to show off her toned legs; all three miles of them. You almost choked on your coffee, staring after the gorgeous angel who had just stalked past you. Your thoughts must have wandered off to a place you should not have let them wander off to in public, because there was Elliot, waving a tissue in front of your face, advising you to wipe the drool off of your mouth.

Now, almost twelve years later, she looks just as beautiful. Feeling a hand start massaging your scalp, you let out a groan at how good it feels. Who would have thought that you would end up with her, the love of your life, after all you two have been through? After skirting around each other for three years, trying to fight the sexual tension, trying to be professional, she finally found the courage to ask you out. You said yes, but she was ripped away from you way too soon. Or so you thought. Standing in the private hospital waiting room after the shooting, listening to the doctor saying that Alexandra Cabot never made it off the table, you felt your legs give out under you. Elliot caught you around the waist before you could hit the ground, pulling your back firmly into his front, whispering soothing words into your ear. That was when you lost it. You broke down, turning around in his arms and pounding his chest with your fists, cursing him for breathing, Alex for dying on you, and yourself for existing and having to keep going on in this godforsaken world. Elliot caught your wrists, wrapping you in a tight embrace. You fought him tooth and nail, but he wouldn't let go. So you let the tears fall. Your face contorting in pain because Alex Cabot was dead and your love for her still remained. A love you didn't know what to do with now she was gone.

That was until Elliot and you were called out to Central Park. Seeing Alex getting out of the black SUV with tinted windows, you had to fight to keep your balance again. Elliot was at your side in an instant, his hand on the small of your back, steadying you, giving you strength to push through what was about to come. You were surrounded by Marshalls, so the answer to what was happening was easy to give for anyone with eyes and a little bit of common sense.

You couldn't hold back the tears and you choked out, "Your funeral is tomorrow."

Hearing Hammond say something about you and Elliot being expected to attend, you had to close your eyes and fight the urge to just beat him into a pulp. It was all a blur, as tears brimmed your eyes, threatening to spill over and pour down your cheeks. You could only make out a few scraps of the conversation going on between your partner and Alex. They were putting her in Witness Protection.

"How long?" The shrug of her slumped shoulders told you everything you needed to know. You were numb, just hearing your blood rushing in your ears, staring into the space behind her, trying to process what had been said; to no avail. Thinking Alex was dead had been easier for you than knowing she would be only a plane ride away. You searched her face and found sad blue eyes looking back at you. You opened your mouth to speak, but she stopped you by pressing a perfectly manicured finger to your lips. She let it trace your lower lip and her hand found the back of your neck, pulling you into her. Your faces were inches apart, eyes drifting to each other's lips and back up. Mindful of her bandaged arm, you snaked your arm around her waist, pulling her flush against you, and kissed her as if it was your first and last chance. You wanted to make it last. Your tongue found its mate and they danced together to a music only the two of you could hear. Her uninjured arm tightened around your neck, her hand burying into your growing hair. Pulling away you gasped for air, eyes locking again. You brushed your noses together.

"I love you, Alex," you whispered. "I have loved you for so long. I will wait for you."

"Liv -"

You cut her off by kissing her again, holding on to her as if your life depended on it. "I don't expect you to do the same. Just know that I will keep you in my heart and, my love, my heart will always belong to you."

"Liv, no-"

Now it was your turn to place your finger on her lips, "Shhh, my darling. Stop trying to convince me otherwise. My heart belongs to you and no other." You brushed your lips together again, tongues stroking, lingering, feeling her tears against your cheeks, until Hammond cleared his throat audibly, breaking you apart.

"Time to go, Emily."

You seriously considered if shooting him would be a viable option, but instead you had to watch as he placed Alex in the car and got in himself, ripping your love away from you yet again, off to God knows where. Elliot was there with you, preventing you from falling to the ground in a heap, your sobs cutting through the nightly silence.

An amused voice interrupts your musings, "I can almost hear you thinking, you know?"

The hand on your scalp stops its ministrations, drawing a displeasured grunt from your throat.

"Want to talk about it, detective?"

"I was just taking a trip down memory lane."

"How come?"

"I love making you laugh and that thought lead to another, which is how much I love you. I don't know what triggered it in particular, but my mind just drifted back to the day they took you from me and that I wouldn't know what to do if I lost you again."

Alex tightens her hold on you, her hand now gently stroking down your back in a calming manner, stroking under your shirt, lingering there, drawing tiny circles on your lower back. She knows you know what triggered it, but you do not want to talk about it just yet. So she gives you time. You sigh in contentment, burying your nose into wavy blonde locks, breathing in deeply to make sure she is really here with you. You stroke up and down her right arm, your hand coming to a stop at her shoulder, placing itself over the scars that you know mar her skin beneath this dark blue Havard sweater. She takes your hand into hers, kissing the back of it before intertwining your fingers and placing them both back above her heart.

"I'm here, baby."

Tears spring to your eyes at the gesture, "I know."

You let your nose brush up her neck to her ear and you place tiny kisses back down to her collarbone, pulling the sweater aside for better access. You see goose bumps spreading over her arms and feel her pulse quicken, watching the vein in her neck thump furiously.

She looks down at you, your eyes locking, and you lean up to connect your lips in a whisper of a kiss. You both sigh, Alex tangling her hand in your hair, gently brushing her tongue along your lower lip. You let her in, connecting your tongue with hers and you both groan into the kiss at this first contact. You climb on top of her, effectively straddling her waist and you deepen the kiss. You want her to feel what you are feeling, your heart so full of love for this beautiful woman that you think it might burst, so you pour every ounce of emotion into the kiss.

When you break apart to gasp for air, she watches you with darkened eyes, her kiss-swollen lips slightly parted, glasses askew on her nose, her chest heaving from the intensity of the kiss. Gentle and yet full of passion. You cup her cheek and she leans into the touch, closing her eyes before grabbing your wrist and placing a tiny kiss to your palm.  
"I love you so much," you choke out, not able to keep your emotions in check any longer.  
She smiles, "I love you too, baby. So, so much."  
Then her mouth is on yours again and you relish every second of it. You sit up, pulling her with you into a sitting position, bringing your hands up to cup her face. Her fingers dance across your back under your sweater, leaving goose bumps in their wake.  
You break the kiss, wrapping your arms around her neck, burying your face into her hair, breathing deeply, you two just rocking gently. You don't know what it is that has you this emotional. You want to crawl into her, she never seems close enough. You need her so much closer; always closer. You remember your first time making love. It was the night before the Connors trial and you were her protective detail overnight. It hurt so much, hearing her talk about the man she was with, but what hurt the most was seeing ADA Alexandra Cabot so lost, so broken. So you had to remind her.

"What is it, baby?" She tries to coax you into telling her once again, stroking your back with one hand, your hair with the other.

"I don't know. Just a little emotional, Al. Maybe it was our last case, maybe it is the fact that Elliot has finally called me back, six months after leaving. Call me an emotional mess. It's just that having Elliot back in my life reminded me of our past. I lost you, then got you back just to lose you all over again. Twice. The second time was even worse than the first because I knew then what it is like to have you fully."

A devious smile spreads across her face, "Oh you did, didn't you?"

You have to laugh. You know exactly what she is doing and you love her even more for it. "I remember that night too, Liv. Mmmmh, it was heaven. You reminded me what it is like to be Alex Cabot and I will be forever thankful. Also, did I mention it was heaven?" She cannot seem to stop grinning and it is contagious.

"That it was. Now kiss me again."

"So demanding this evening, Miss Benson."

"Excuse me, but it's Mrs. Benson-Cabot."

Her eyes go from playful to soft and loving in an instant, "Oh, of course. My bad."

With that, she pulls on your collar and her lips are on yours again, parting them a little more forcefully this time, tangling her tongue with yours. You tug on her sweater to get her to look at you, but she is too far gone. Her lips wander along your jawline to your ear, biting the lobe gently, before placing open mouthed kisses down your neck. All you can do is shudder and tighten your grip on her hair because it feels wonderful. She mumbles something between kisses that you cannot make out.

"Wha-" she licks her way back up to your ear. "-hat did you say?"

Blonde hair tickles your face and her hot breath against the shell of your ear is all you can think about. "I asked you if you thought about the proposition I made last week."

Two things happen at the same time. You tense up as anxiety settles in your stomach and a flood of wetness makes its way straight to your core, soaking your panties.

"Al-" She stops you with a kiss.

"Liv, I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes every time I mention it. Also, you just soaked through your sweats, I can feel it."

You blush furiously and duck your head in shame, but she forces you to look into her oh so soulful eyes by placing two fingers under your chin and tilting it back up.

"Al, I… I… I don't know. What if I hurt you?"

"You won't, baby." The love and trust you see in her eyes make you want to cry with happiness.

"I don't know. I think I like the concept of being in control a little too much for my own liking."

She tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, "And that thought scares you." You can only nod because it does scare you.

"Liv… Look at me. You won't hurt me. You could never hurt me because you love me too much."

"I can't lose control, Alex. What if I become him? What if-" Another kiss.

"You are not and could never become your father, baby," she insists, pulling you into a tight hug. Feeling her hands stroke your back, you melt into her embrace, closing your eyes, breathing her in once again.

"I trust you, Liv," she whispers into your ear and it sends a shiver down your spine.

"I know, I just don't trust myself."

"You should, baby. You are so wonderful. At your job, with the victims, with children, but most of all you are the most wonderful, caring wife a girl could ask for. You should trust yourself, because everyone else does."

"Okay."

The smile you get in return lights up the whole room. "Okay?"

You return the smile, "Yeah."

You get up and help her off the couch, pulling her straight into your arms. "Al, could we agree on some… Well… Ground rules?"

"Anything you want, my darling."

"If I lose control and hurt you, you have to stop me at all costs."

"Baby-"

"At all costs, Al."

"At all costs."

You brush her hair out of her face and close the distance between you. You claim her lips in a slow but deep kiss, tugging her into the bedroom by her sweater. In one swift motion, you pull it up over her head and toss it to the floor. You let your head fall onto her shoulder to calm yourself when you see she is not wearing a bra, creamy white perky breasts in plain sight, her perfect pink nipples starting to harden in the cool air of the room. You give the strings of her yoga pants a firm tug, loosening them, and ridding your wife of the clothing along with her panties. Seeing her perfectly shaved mound sends a jolt of electricity through your body and you have to suppress a groan.

"You're wearing too many clothes. I need to feel you," she husks into your ear and you feel your knees buckle, once again having to steady yourself on her shoulders.

"God, Al… The things you do to me."

Giving you a mischievous smirk, she pulls off your sweater and unhooks your bra. She cups your breasts, brushing your already hardened nipples with her thumbs, making you moan and throw your head back. She uses it to her advantage and places open-mouthed kisses along your neck, her tongue stroking your flesh along with her lips.

She makes quick work of your own sweats and panties and as soon as you are both naked, you pull her flush against you, both of you groaning at the skin on skin contact. You duck your head and envelop her nipple with your lips, letting your tongue stroke it gently while thumbing the other. She shivers with anticipation as she holds your head in place. You let her nipple go with a pop, kissing your way back up her throat to her mouth. Your tongue searches hers and she opens her mouth wide to take more of you. You maneuver her to the bed, making her sit on the edge, once again straddling her.

She breaks the kiss to gasp for air, leaning her forehead to yours, grabbing your backside firmly. "God, Liv. I need you."

You nuzzle her ear before rimming the shell with your tongue, earning a gasp from your wife. "Patience, my darling."

You encourage her to slide back to the headboard while crawling with her, finally settling yourself between her legs, her wetness coating your lower abdomen. "Uuh, Al… You're soaked already."

"All for you baby," she whimpers while moving her hips, trying to get some sort of friction. You place both of your hands beside her head, pushing your lower half into her. The moan you get has your arms shaking under your weight and she moves her hips against you, smearing her wetness over your skin.

"Mmmh, so sexy baby. Do you wanna come?"

She nods, biting her lower lip, her brow furrowed in arousal. You push into her one more time, rotating your hips.

"Please, Liv…"

"Please what, my darling?"

"I need you."

"But I'm right here."

She gives you her courtroom glare and you have to hide your grin as to not ruin the mood.

"How badly do you want to come?" you whisper hotly into her ear, relishing in the power you have over her.

She takes your hand into hers, running both of them down her body and to her crotch. She whispers back, "Why don't you just find out for yourself?"

When your fingers make the first contact with her core, all control leaves your body. Your arm gives out under you and you try not to fall onto her. She is so dripping wet, you cannot think. All you can do is feel. So you let your fore and middle finger glide through her wetness, gently exploring, stroking her lower lips and up to her clit, before delving in deeper and slowly pushing one finger inside. She whimpers helplessly because she needs more. And you know it. You try to ignore the tiny voice in your head, ridiculing you, telling you she will leave as soon as she sees the monster that you really are. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. Opening them once again, you watch her face to make sure that this is really what she wants. Her breathing is labored, but when she opens her eyes, feeling you watching her, they are a much darker shade of blue, and you know that she wants this. She wants you to have your way with her because she trusts you. A warm feeling spreads through your body at this knowledge and you want to take it slow.

So you keep your pace gentle and steady, ignoring her pleas to just fuck her already. You know that she knows you have to take it slow, an understanding passing between the both of you when locking eyes. You are willing to give her anything she asks for in and out of the bedroom but this time, you have to build up to it and she is aware. She is aware that she is about to have all of you, but at your pace.

You kiss her, letting your tongue search for hers while pushing into her further, adding another finger. Her back arches off of the bed, pressing these glorious breasts into yours, your hard nipples brushing and it is driving you crazy. Her walls clamp down onto your fingers and it amazes you how wet she is, your fingers gliding easily through her wetness. You set a steady pace, curling your fingers every now and then, every other time brushing her clit gently.

Her hands go to your hair, pulling your face down to her neck. Her pants reach your ear, her wetness increasing with every brush of your thumb against her clit.

"Oh, baby," she whispers breathlessly. "Oh fuck."

You restrain yourself, focusing on pleasuring her slowly, steadily, and gently, placing wet kisses along her neck before kissing her deeply. Her hands stay in your hair, her legs automatically opening wider to allow you more room to move. You carefully add a third finger, pushing in to the first knuckle, stretching her, preparing her for what is about to come. She holds her breath, furrowing her brow and scrunching her nose up at the discomfort and you stay still, waiting for her to adjust while placing small butterfly kisses all over her face, her neck, and her upper chest.

"Are you okay, baby? Should I pull out?"

She shakes her head, stroking your back to soothe you.

"Give me a second, will you?"

"All the time you need."

You continue kissing down her neck, taking a nipple into your mouth, gently tonguing it, while rubbing tiny circles around her clit with your thumb. A new gush of excitement finds its way out of her and coats your hand. She opens her eyes and bites her lip before pushing her pelvis down onto your waiting fingers, taking all of you. A strangled moan escapes both of your throats, her hips rocking to get friction. You thrust slowly, not giving her what she needs just yet, but building her up.

"Are you ready, baby?"

"Oh God," she whimpers and tries to increase the pace, but you gently pull out.

"Nuh-uh. We wouldn't wanna come just yet now, would we?"

You are teasing her and she knows it. However, she can play the game just as well. So she reaches into the bedside drawer, pulling out your seven-inch strap on. You can feel your core throb and your hands shake. You have to close your eyes to get some resemblance of control back.

"Get off of the bed," she urges. In your eagerness to comply, your foot gets tangled in the sheets and you fall flat on your face with a dull thud.

"Ow," you huff out, your voice muffled because your face is squished against the carpeted floor.

You get up from the floor before she can scramble off the bed and help you. She is sitting on the edge of the bed now, looking at you with worried eyes.

"Baby, are you okay?"

You cup her cheek with your hand, stroking your thumb along her cheekbone and she leans into your touch, eyes remaining locked.

"I'm okay," you smile, leaning down to kiss her, tonguing her lower lip. You try to push her back into the sheets but she resists.

She grabs the strap on, holding it out for you to step into the harness. You have to steady your breathing once again, seeking leverage by holding her shoulders, and stepping into the straps. She pulls them up and secures the harness onto your hips. You reach into the bedside drawer, pulling out a small tube of lubrication.

"Put some on me?"

"Liv, I won't need it."

 _Control yourself, Olivia._

"Please? Put some on me?"

You think that she has registered your pleading tone in your voice, taking the lubrication from you and squishing some into her hand. When she starts rubbing the lubrication onto the phallus, the insert hits your clit and your hips jerk into her hand while you let out a moan. She kisses your abdomen and you feel your abs twitch at the touch of her lips. You take her head into your hands and kiss her, letting her tongue invade your mouth, the kiss getting heated before you can stop it. You let yourself go for just a moment, relishing in the kiss, pushing your wife back onto the bed, and letting her scoot up to the headboard once again.

You settle yourself between her legs, the tip of the phallus brushing her folds makes her throw her head back and groan loudly.

 _Get a grip, Benson._

You want to give her control of this situation and you flip both of you over so she is on top of you. She straddles you thighs, your hands automatically going to her hips, and she leans down to look into your eyes.

"I know what you are doing, Liv. And you don't have to."

Your thumb strokes tiny circles on her hipbone. "I know I don't have to. I need to. Okay?"

She smiles down at you and nods. "Of course, baby. If we are going to do this I want us both to be comfortable."

"Thank you. It's just… I love being on the receiving end, but being the one giving has me worried."

"I know, Liv. I love and trust you. But we can go at your pace."

"I… I… I want you to set the pace, but I might need to take the control back."

"Okay."

And with that, she kisses you. She has just accepted everything you said. Every other partner would have laughed and asked you to try again when you know what you really want, but not her. She just knows you inside and out and understands your fears. It makes you want to cry.

She breaks the kiss and leans down to your ear. "I want to ride you, baby."

 _Oh my God._

All the moisture leaves your mouth and wanders south at her words and all you can do is nod. She scoots up your body a little and takes hold of the purple phallus. She lines it up with her entrance and slowly sinks down on it, her mouth falling open, her head rolling back. Seeing her pleasure has you on edge, grabbing her hips as if your life depends on it. She takes the toy inch by inch, more with every downward motion. When her hips are flush against yours, she begins rotating them and the sounds she is making drive you insane.

She puts her hands on your abs for leverage and moves up until only the tip of the phallus is inside of her, then sinks back down, a guttural moan ripping from her mouth. You clench your teeth, your hands gripping her hips tighter, your eyes never leaving the phallus moving in and out of Alex.

She picks up her pace, her hips thrusting down harder on the toy and her hands wandering up to her breasts, cupping them, and teasing her nipples with her palms. She whimpers, her pants echoing through the bedroom, and you have to fight the urge to just hold her hips in place and fuck the daylights out of her. You shiver at the thought but you push it to the back of your mind, focusing on your fight for control of your actions. You need to slow her down. So you flip her back over, needing to be on top again. She opens her eyes and looks at you, and those deep pools of blue convey that she knows what you are doing; that she understands. Your lips find hers again, kissing her slowly but passionately, breathing her in. You frame her head with your arms, slowly pulling the toy out before just as slowly pushing it back in. She moans into the kiss and you set steady pace, but never altering the force of your thrusts. You break the kiss as you slowly make love to her, your eyes locking, her legs wrapping around your waist. The new angle makes her moan loudly, gripping your backside firmly.

"Are you okay," you choke out, needing her voice telling you that she is.

"I am," she smiles. "Better than okay."

She is panting now, on the edge and you want nothing more than to watch her fly over it. You let your right hand wander to her clit, drawing gentle circles over it, feeling her thighs twitch. So close. You lean down to her ear. "I love you so much and I forever will, Alex. You are so beautiful. Let me watch you. Come for me."

You bite the lobe gently and this is all she needs. Her walls grip the toy hard and she arches off of the bed, her mouth opening in a silent scream. Her whole body shudders through her release and you slow your thrusts, trying to make her pleasure last as long as possible.

Coming down from her high, she opens her eyes and they instantly connect with yours. You brush your noses together and smile down at her.

"Hi."

She giggles, "Hi yourself."

You just watch her in the afterglow, perspiration covering both of your bodies, her breathing slowing, her breasts moving with every breath she takes. Your desire for your wife spikes even more, your body not having been satiated yet. However, you want to put her well-being first. So as not to hurt her, you start to slowly pull the dildo out, but her legs' grip on your waist tightens.

"No."

"Baby, I don't want to hurt you. Let me pull out."

She pulls your head down so she can whisper into your ear once again. "Not before you have come."  
You shiver at her words. "Al-"

"I want you to fuck me, Olivia. I want you to take what's yours. I want you to pound me until I scream your name. Fuck me."

Your hips give a sharp thrust at her words, making her scream with pleasure.

You look at her. You haven't hurt her. And it amazes you. You push up to search her face for any sign of discomfort. There is none.

She just looks at you, desire clouding her eyes. You lean down to kiss her once again before locking eyes. Her nails scratch your back and she arches into you, her eyes never leaving yours, and she whispers, "Take it."

That is when you lose it. You start thrusting into her hard, gradually picking up your pace until you are fucking her with all that you have.

"Oh fuck… fuck… fuck… fuck…," she chants like a mantra and it only spurs you on. The insert is rubbing your clit very deliciously and her cursing while you are fucking her is pushing you toward the edge rather quickly.

"Like that, baby. That's it. Fuck," she moans, meeting each of your thrusts with her hips, creating the sound of skin slapping against skin. You angle your pulses slightly and when she lets out a high pitched whimper, you know you have hit her spot. You fell that you only have a few thrusts more left in you before you come and you need to take her with you.

As if reading your thoughts, she pants into your ear, "Fuck it, baby. That's it... I'm right there with you. Come for me."

Your hips give one last sharp thrust and you come, feeling her walls clamp around the toy for a second time, joining you in your orgasm. You draw it out for both of you, kissing every part of her body you can reach, letting your tongue linger, tasting her salty skin.

She strokes your back with her fingertips, both of you just relishing in the afterglow. As soon as your heartbeats have slowed down, you gently pull out of her. Seeing her wince slightly, you start to panic.

"Oh my God, I hurt you. I'm so sorry."

"Shhhh, baby. You didn't hurt me. I'm just a little sore. But in a good way."

Once you have pulled out of her completely, you unfasten the straps and toss the phallus to the floor, gathering her in your arms.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. You were amazing."

You pull her toward you. You are face to face, your arms serving as pillows, hands on the other's hips.

"I… I…" She kisses you.

"That was amazing. You were amazing. I love you."

Tears gather in your eyes. "I love you, too," you choke out, burying your head in her neck, breathing deeply. Her scent always does the trick. You calm down instantly.

"Let's take a nap and then start round three and four. What do you say?"

"But baby, you're sore."

She grins mischievously, "Oh, but you have such a talented tongue."

You can only laugh at her goofiness and you reach down, pulling the sheets over your rapidly cooling bodies. Being enveloped in each other's warmth, it does not take long until you are both fast asleep.

"… _I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."_

 **A/N 3: The story title is inspired by the song** **All of Me** **by John Legend. The quote is taken from Pablo Neruda's** **100 Love Sonnets** **.**

 **Also, I have no idea if Alex's outfit is accurate, but like I said, I bent the plot a little to my liking and I consider this outfit smokin' hot. :D**

 **Thanks for reading. Reviews are love. :)**


	2. Chapter 2: Beautiful

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Yada, yada, yada. Also, some of the dialogue is taken from 6x16, "Ghost". Not mine, either.**

 **A/N 1: First of all, I would like to thank you for all the reviews, favorites, and alerts. I am beyond grateful and so, so happy that you enjoyed the first chapter. To the guest reviewers: I couldn't reply, so THANK you, as well. :)**

 **A/N 2: I am quite fond of author's notes. :D I've decided to continue this one with some random one-shots. Same universe as chapter 1. Tell me what you think and what you would like to read. :) Again, I apologize for any mistakes. English is not my first language. :)**

 **Chapter 2: Beautiful**

" _I see you with all your colors and all your scars. I see you behind your walls. Yes, I can see you. Don't you know how beautiful you are to me? With all your colors, you have yet to realize how beautiful you are…"_

 **February 16** **th** **, 2005: the night before the Connors trial.**

You were standing in front of the wooden door, your heart pounding in your chest, your hands shaking with nerves. You raised your hand for the third time with the intention to knock at this goddamn door, separating you from your love. The woman you thought you had lost almost two years ago. When she walked into Casey's office earlier that day, a smirk firmly in place, asking you who else was going to get you out of trouble but her, you had to restrain yourself from hugging her. You had to restrain yourself from kissing the hell out of her, the woman you had loved for five years.

Before your mind could wander off too far, you finally gave three sharp knocks to the hotel room door. Hearing Elliot's gun click on the other side, you had no doubt that his firearm was pointed at the door, safety catch released, ready to strike if he needed to.

"Hey, it's Liv. Open up!"

The door slowly opened, revealing your partner of almost seven years, letting you in. Seeing Alex at the far side of the backgammon board made you happy, but also shook you to the core. She looked broken, with dark circles under her beautiful ocean blue eyes. Even through the smirk in Casey's office you had seen that something was off. As if her sparkling personality, the confident woman who had once strutted through the world in her power suits, had gotten lost somewhere on the way to or from Wisconsin. Nevertheless, you plastered the biggest smile on your face you could give when looking at her.

"Hey."

You heard Elliot say something about beauty sleep, but your eyes were on her. You placed your overnight bag on the bed, shrugging your leather jacket off, hearing Elliot close the door behind him.

"You wanna keep playing?" you asked, trying to keep the conversation light, ignoring the giant pink elephant dancing through the room in a tutu.

"Nah…" She turned her back to you and looked out of the window, heaving a deep sigh. "I wish these windows opened. I want to smell the city."

You had to chuckle, standing next to her at the window. "You mean the rotten garbage and the diesel exhaust?"

She gave you a light smile. "Wisconsin is so quiet at night. Sometimes when I get homesick, I hum the Mister Softee song."

You could feel a giant lump forming in your throat. You had to ask her, even if you absolutely did not want to hear the answer.

"You making any friends?"

Your voice was shaky and you hated yourself for it. You knew that she knew what you were really asking, so you braced yourself. A weak smile on your blonde angel's face told you everything you needed to know, but you let her answer anyway.

"There's a claims adjustor at the insurance agency where I work and we've been seeing each other." You felt like someone had just punched you in the stomach, but you kept listening. "He's a good man. He thinks I'm from Tulsa. And when we're in bed together at night he whispers my name; Emily."

An icecold fist closed around your heart and you could not stop the tears from forming in your eyes. It hurt so much that you had trouble breathing, hearing her talk about this man. You took a few calming breaths before choking out, "It's hard to be someone you're not."

"I can't stop thinking like a prosecutor, Liv."

She was riling herself up. You tried to calm her down by just looking at her; by staring at her with your best puppy dog eyes. She closed her eyes, preparing herself for what she was going to say next.

"Connors is going to sit in that courtroom tomorrow, looking like a choir boy. He is going to charm the jury and… and I have to make them see who he really is, but…"

She rubbed her hands over her face. She was so frustrated, so not herself and it scared you. So you made your way over to your overnight bag, debating with yourself, but finally throwing all caution into the wind and pulling out the Connors file.

"… I don't even know what makes him tick!"

You were standing in front of her again, interrupting her rant, "Alex! You didn't see this file."

She took it from you, her eyes wide, staring at the file in her hand and back to you, her beautiful pink, kissable mouth formed into a perfect 'o'.

"But-"

"Don't. You didn't see it. Ever!"

She just nodded, fully aware of the fact that you had put your job on line for her. Twice, by keeping it a secret that she was still alive and in that moment, by handing her the stack of papers that disclosed every little detail of Liam Connors to her. She scanned the pages intently, no doubt developing a strategy to get a rise out of Connors the following day.

"Do you need help? Do you want to talk about it?"

The shake of her head was fierce. She was in her own world, in prosecutor mode. You sat down on the bed, watching her pacing the room, almost hearing the wheels turning in her head. You kept your distance, wanting to let her vent in her head, not wishing to disturb her flow. Twenty minutes later, after having lain down on the bed, staring at the ceiling, you heard a slapping sound followed by a deep sigh. You turned your head, seeing her standing at the window once more, her head in her hands, having discarded the file to the coffee table.

You got up, slowly walking over to where she was standing, gently placing your hands on her shoulders as not to startle her.

She mumbled something into her hands that you could not make out.

"What was that, sweetie?"

"I'm so sorry."

You stepped around her, carefully peeling her hands off of her face so you could look into her eyes.

"What for? There is nothing to be sorry for, Alex."

"Yes, there is…" She looked back at you, a storm raging in blue pools, tears slowly gathering. "I slept with him and all I could think about was you. I… I… I was so numb, Liv. I just wanted to feel. My life was taken away from me. They ripped me away from you before we even had the chance to let this become serious. My mother died. I didn't know who I was anymore, so I needed to feel something. I'm so, so sorry."

You put your hands on her elbows, steadying her, letting her know that you were there for her.

"It's okay, Alex."

With a strangled sob, she fell into your arms and hugged you. The only thing you could do was to wrap your arms around her slender waist and hug her right back. Reassure her, conveying that you were not mad.

"You… You said you would wait for me, but I haven't done the same. I'm so sorry."

"Sssshh, baby girl. It's okay. I told you that I didn't expect you to. I'm here. It's okay." You started to gently stroke her head and you could not help but notice that she still smelled as good as she had two years prior. You inhaled deeply and tightened your hold on her, letting the two of you rock gently.

Her sobs were heartbreaking, shaking her whole body.

"Ssshhh, it's okay, baby. It's okay."

"I swear I never wanted any of this to happen, Liv. Don't be mad at me. Please…"

"I'm not mad at you baby, I promise. Please stop crying. I love you." You kissed her temple, trying to calm her down. Her breathing was ragged and you feared she was going to hyperventilate. So you kept rocking her, whispering "I love you"s into her ear, willing her breathing to slow. You gently stroked her back, her tight grip on your shoulders loosening gradually, her breaths calming down.

"That's it, baby. Take a few deep breaths for me… That's it."

She pulled back slightly, looking at you with a tear stained face and you heart broke even more. You smiled anyway, bringing your hands up to her face, wiping the tears away.

"Hey you."

She touched your foreheads together, her hands finding their way into your hair.

"You let your hair grow."

The comment was so random that you could not suppress a chuckle.

"I did."

She smiled weakly, "I like it."

"I'm glad."

She played with the hairs at the nape of your neck and you closed your eyes at the feeling, having missed her so much that it made you want to cry. Your hands went to her hips again, drawing tiny circles. You knew that it had always calmed her, would always calm her, so you kept drawing them. Your eyes locked onto hers and cerulean blue orbs were searching your own brown ones; looking for the truth in your earlier words. You pulled her close by the hips, brushing your noses together.

"I love you, Alex."

"I… I…"

That was when you kissed her. Chastely. Gently. "I love you."

More tears gathered in her eyes and this time, she kissed you, slowly parting your lips with her tongue, letting them dance together, letting them get reacquainted. You breathed in deeply, relaxing as your favorite scent washed over you. When you broke the kiss, your faces were inches apart and a breathy whisper left her soft pink mouth, "I missed you so much, Liv. Every day without you was torture and I wished that he would have killed me."

You tightened your hold on her again, "I missed you too, my sweet. Don't talk like that. You're here now."

"But for how long? If Connors gets off tomorrow, they will move me to another identity... I…"

You put a finger to her lips, "Shh, he won't. Okay? He won't. You will testify, Antonio will testify, and based on that, we will get a conviction."

"I… I…"

You let your thumb stroke her cheek in a soothing manner.

"What is it, baby? Talk to me."

"I love you so much, Liv. And I missed you."

She buried herself into your embrace once more, her breath hitting your neck in a very alluring manner.

"But there's more." You could sense it. You knew her too well. "Tell me, Al."

"I… I slept with him and I'm scared you don't want me anymore. This is so not like me, Liv. Fucking some guy to make the numbness go away. I'm afraid you will be disgusted by me now that you know what I did."

You let your hands caress her arms, a feather-light touch, but never breaking the contact

"I will always want you and I sure as hell could never be disgusted by you."

The tears were leaving her eyes again, pouring down her cheeks and you tried your best to kiss them away. "This doesn't change anything, Al. Do you hear me? I still love you the same. Neither does it change how I feel about you, nor does change what we have."

Her hands went into your hair once more and she kissed you gently, letting her tongue stroke your lower lip.

"I love you so much, Liv," she choked out and you could feel her shaking. "I want to show you how much. I want to show you how much I have missed you. I want to take you to bed and make love to you all night long. Slow, sweet, and passionate love."

Your heart skipped a beat at her words, having dreamt of this for so long, praying to some higher power you didn't even believe in that she would be able to come back to you, that she would still want you.

You pulled her to you by the hips, letting your mouth hover over hers; waiting for her to make the first move.

"Show me who I used to be, Liv. Who you know I really am. I want you to remind me. Only you can do that, baby… Only you."

And with that, she pressed her lips to yours in a soul-searching kiss, letting her tongue dart out and slip into your mouth. You groaned at the feeling, digging your fingers into her hips, softly stroking her tongue with yours. She broke the kiss, letting her lips glide along your jaw line and down your neck, enveloping your pulse point with her lips and softly suckling. You threw your head back and moaned; it felt wonderful.

You were in desperate need to feel her body against yours, so you let your hands wander to the hem of her sweater before stroking underneath, grazing her firm abdomen with just the tips of your fingers. You felt her muscles twitch under your soft touch and your hands glided higher, pushing her sweater up in the process. As soon as it was off and tossed to the floor, your eyes dropped to her cleavage, enjoying the view of this perfect blonde angel standing in front of you in only her bra, your tongue subconsciously wetting your lips. She pressed herself against your body, suddenly shy of her current state of undress.

"What's the matter, darling?" You stroked her back, waiting for her to open up.

"My scars…"

"No, don't go there, Al. You're so beautiful and they are evidence of how strong you are."

You continued stroking tiny circles on her lower back, rocking her, kissing her temple every now and then, patiently waiting. After a few long moments, she took a deep breath and straightened up, locking eyes with you.

You smiled, "You okay, baby?"

"Yeah."

"We can stop if you want to. We don't-"

"Shhh. I want this."

She brought your lips together and you inhaled deeply. Breaking the kiss, you leaned down, brushing the valley between her breasts with your nose, teasing her, before licking and suckling your way up her neck, to her chin and finally to her mouth, pressing your lips together again. You felt a tug on your own shirt, letting her pull it off of you, throwing it behind her, not caring where it landed. You made quick work of each other's bras, breasts finally in clear view to the other. You bit your lip and took a deep breath, willing your heart rate to slow down. You rounded her, admiring the creamy white skin of her back, wrapping your arms around her, pulling her back flush against your front. Your hard nipples made contact with her skin and you both moaned at the feeling.

"You are so beautiful," you whispered into her ear, letting your lips purposefully brush against the shell, making her shudder. "So gorgeous…" Your fingertips stroked lightly over her abdomen to her breasts, rounding them, before cupping them fully.

"Oh God," she moaned, letting her head fall back onto your shoulder. You placed open-mouthed kisses along her neck and shoulder while teasing her nipples to stand at attention with agonizing gentleness. She rolled her hips slowly, her ass making contact with your core each time and it drove you insane.

You whimpered and your hands travelled south, popping the button of her jeans open and pulling the zipper down.

"I need to feel you," you whispered, turning her in your arms so she was facing you again. Your lips brush hers once more, your hands going inside her pants and panties, stripping them off in one motion and you kneeled down before her, helping her step out of the offending garments. Her mound was right in front of you. You could smell her arousal already and all you wanted to do was to bury your tongue deeply inside her, to taste her, to make her come. However, you refrained from doing so and got back up, pulling her into another kiss and letting her rid you of your own pants and panties.

As soon as you were flush against each other, you both moaned simultaneously, your lips finding each other again. She walked you back in the direction of the bed. The back of your knees hit it and you sat down, scooting back to the headboard, laying your head on the pillows. She crawled toward you, the moonlight illuminating her gorgeous body and you felt anticipation settle in your stomach.

She placed her thighs on either side of your body, straddling you on the bed, arms on the sides of your head, looking down at you.

Your hands went to her hips, assisting her as she started grinding on your lower abdomen, spreading her wetness over your flesh.

She leaned down, your lips millimeters apart, eyes locked, lips brushing but never touching fully.

"I love you."

Then she kissed you again, your tongues tangling, fighting for dominance. She kissed her way down your neck, stopping here and there to nibble gently on your sensitive flesh, until her mouth was hovering over your right breast. You could feel her warm breaths against your nipple, pebbling it even more, before she leaned down to envelop it in her warm mouth.

You arched your back at the feeling, groaning as she started to swirl her tongue around it while thumbing the other. Your hands went into her wavy blonde locks, encouraging her, showing her she was doing it just right.

"Oh fuck, baby. Like that."

She let your nipple go with a pop, bringing your mouths together again in a fiery kiss.

You could barely think, feeling Alex's naked body along the length of your own, and your need to touch her intensified. The passion of the kiss melted you and at the same time boiled your blood. You needed her. So badly. You sat up, with Alex now in your lap, your hands on her thighs. You gently stroked them and at the same time your mouth descended down her neck and between the valley of her breasts, stroking smooth, warm flesh with your tongue, slowly travelling to the right, circling her nipple before taking it into your mouth, your tongue swirling, her hands buried in your hair.

You could not wait any longer. You let your hand wander from her thigh to her core, drawing tiny circles on her already straining nub with your middle finger. Her body jerked at your actions, her thighs twitching with excitement and you thought that you had never seen anything more beautiful.

"Oh God, Liv… Please… Please touch me."

Your fingers went to her lower lips with a barely there touch, softly stroking, gradually delving deeper. When you felt the amount of wetness against your fingers, your head fell onto her shoulder and you had to gather your bearings.

"Baby, you're so wet…"

She took your face in her hands, mouth hovering over yours, her breaths already ragged.

"I need you inside me, Olivia. Please…"

That was when you could not take it anymore. You let your middle finger dip into her gently, the both of you moaning in the process. You kissed her upper chest, her neck, her mouth, letting your tongue slip in when you withdrew your finger and pushed back in with two.

Her strangled cry was muffled by the kiss as she bore down onto your fingers. You set a slow and steady rhythm and your left arm wrapped around her to steady her back. She leaned back into it and the sight set your insides on fire. It was so agonizingly intimate, so highly erotic that you had trouble breathing. You continued kissing her in sync with the gentle thrusts of your hand, your thumb finding her swollen bud once again, making her whimper.

When air became a necessity you broke apart, eyes locking, panting into each other's mouths.

"Oh fuck, baby," she breathlessly whispered. "Like that. Just like that. I'm so close."

She wanted to close her eyes but, "Look at me, Alex. I want to look into your eyes when you come."

So she opened them again, darkened cerulean blue pools looking straight into your soul, as she ground down on your fingers with each of your thrusts. You moved your fingers more purposefully now, curling them to hit her spot just right.

"Oh God, fuck, fuck, fuck… Baby, fuck…"

You bit her lower lip gently and whispered, "That's it, my sweet. That's it. Come for me."

With that you brushed your thumb across her clit, just a few flicks, and she came, her walls crushing your fingers, her face contorting in pleasure, but her eyes never leaving yours. You slowed your movements, gently bringing her down from her high. Her arms went around your neck and she brought your foreheads together, her soft pants still echoing through the room.

"God, I love you. That was amazing," she breathed against your lips and kissed you softly, letting her tongue linger for a moment.

"It was," you smiled, stroking her back, waiting for her breathing to calm.

"I need you, Liv."

"I'm yours, baby. All yours. Always yours."

With that, she pushed you back onto the bed, your head hitting the fluffy pillows. "I want to taste you. I can't wait any longer," she whispered against your ear, rimming the shell with her tongue.

You gasped and a shiver ran down your spine; it felt amazing to be this close to her. She kissed her way down your body, nibbling here and there, stopping every now and then to let her tongue stroke your flesh. She kissed the inside of your thighs at a tantalizingly slow pace, her tongue darting out, licking its way up to where you needed her the most.

Your hands wandered down and found hers, intertwining your fingers over the duvet when her tongue made the first contact with your core. Your back arched off of the bed and you let out a long, low moan at the feeling of her tongue licking your whole length once, ignoring your clit completely. She let it wander along your outer lips before delving in again, gently pushing inside. You squeezed her fingers tightly, raising your hips to get more friction. The feeling of her tongue inside of you, stroking your walls, curling upwards, and her hands connected with yours, were enough to bring you to the edge.

"Baby, I need… Oh God," you moaned loudly as she replaced her tongue with two fingers, her mouth having enveloped your clit.

Your hands went into her wavy blonde locks, tugging gently as you ground yourself onto her fingers and tongue. She gently sucked and hummed against you, sending jolts of electricity through your body before she traced your clit with a few quick flutters of her tongue and your grip in her hair tightened.

"God, Alex… Like that. Fuck, I'm gonna… I'm gonna… Uuuuugh!"

White hot pleasure exploded behind your eyes and you shamelessly held her head in place, riding out your orgasm.

She placed her chin on your thigh staring up at you with that loving gaze, waiting for you to come down, the fingers of her right hand still inside you. You opened your eyes, your mouth was dry and the look in her eyes made you want to crawl into her. You reached for her with your hands, encouraging her to come back up. She gently pulled out of your wet core, making you gasp, before bringing her face back up to kiss you, letting you taste yourself on her lips.

You moaned, thinking that you had died and gone to heaven. Her sweet taste, mixed with your own essence was the most erotic thing you had ever tasted. She pulled back and looked at you for a minute, a smile residing on her full pink mouth.

You smiled lazily back at her. "That was mmmm… Heaven."

Her smile turned into a grin. "Yes, it was baby. I love you."

"Mmmm, love you, too…"

She climbed off of you, settling beside you, hiking her leg over your thighs. She put her head on your shoulder and you could once again feel her breath against her neck; it was heaven. You stroked her back feeling her breathing evening out slowly, before you slowly succumbed to sleep yourself.

 **xxxx**

Her pants and moans reached your ear and when you slipped two fingers home into wet heat for the fifth time that night, you knew that Casey had to win this case the next day. She had to because if she didn't, Alex would be taken away again, to another place, for God knew how long. You wouldn't be able to live with that.

 **xxxx**

The following morning, you woke up with your nose buried in her long, blonde hair, breathing in her vanilla scent deeply before placing tiny butterfly kisses across her shoulders and down her spine, stroking her belly with your fingertips.

She started to stir in your arms and you tightened the hold you had on her. She turned around to face you, sleepy blue eyes looking lovingly into your own. The sparkle was back in them and you felt so happy that you thought you might explode.

"Hey," you smiled.

"Hi. How did you sleep?"

"Mmmm, better than ever."

You kissed her gently, lazily, slowly.

When you broke apart you let your gaze wander over her body, stopping at her neck. You had to giggle wildly at what you saw. You knew she would kill you, but it was worth it. Your body was shaking with laughter, not being able to suppress it any longer.

"What is it, baby?"

Loud cackles were now leaving your mouth and you tried to be serious because the glare you were getting would make any defendant pee their pants.

"Olivia!"

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry," you gasped, clutching your stomach. "But I think you might wanna wear a turtleneck to court."

As soon as your words had sunk in, her eyes widened and she jumped from the bed, running into the bathroom; naked. You heard a loud shriek followed by a few profanities that you weren't aware always proper Alexandra Cabot even knew of.

"OLIVIA BENSON!"

 _Oh, you are so screwed, Benson… Dead even…_

She came out of the bathroom, a large hickey decorating her neck, strutting toward you, her old swagger back in place. You loved every second of it.

"What on EARTH were you thinking, giving me a hickey as big as Texas?"

"Uuuh… Uuuuh…"

"What? No snarky remark? No smartass comment?"

Oh, you had a lot of them in mind, but the pulsating in your lower lips at her outburst was slightly distracting.

"I'm… sorry?"

"Oh, you are? That's so very sweet of you."

Her voice was dripping with sarcasm and it turned you on even more.

You stood up from the bed, wrapping your arms around her struggling form, pulling her against you.

"I'm sorry I gave you a hickey, baby. I really am. It was the heat of the moment and I wasn't thinking. But a turtleneck will hide it. It's just here…"

You stroked the smooth flesh where her neck met her shoulder and you felt her shudder at the touch. You delicately kissed the skin and she gasped.

"I'm so glad you're back," you whispered.

"What?"

"Alex Cabot is back, bitch!" Her lips turned up into a huge ridiculous grin at your comment, her anger long forgotten. "So let's take a shower before Elliot arrives so you can kick Connors' Irish ass all over the Atlantic."

Her eyes sparkled as she took your hand and guided you to the bathroom.

 **A/N 4: The last one, I promise. Thanks for reading. I know, I left out how it ended, but I wanted to end it when everything was still good. :D We all know what happened after the trial. Maybe I will pick it up again in another chapter. Let me know what you think and want to read in the future. :)**

 **The quote is a very loose translation of the chorus of the German song _Wie Schön Du Bist_ ("How Beautiful You Are") by Sarah Connor. She always sang in English until she published her first album in German this year. She is an amazing singer. Also, I may have a tiny crush on her. :) Oh, well… I find her exceptionally beautiful and she has the most mesmerizing eyes I have ever seen. Check her out on youtube. :)**

 **/watch?v=nMwHXbMRJew**


	3. Chapter 3: Fume

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Unfortunately, Dick Wolf does. Some of the dialogue is taken from 13x10, "Spiraling Down". Not mine, either.**

 **A/N 1: Thanks again for all the reviews, favorites and alerts. I heart you all. :) I apologize for the delay. I had a term paper, an essay, and a book report due and also went on a mini-vacation to Ireland. While there, I caught a cold that really knocked me out and I am now slowly getting back to my feet. So it took me a while to get this out.**

 **A/N 2: This was a prompt sent to me by katvrah, wanting the chapter to be set in "Spiraling Down" and wanting me to include their fight in the courthouse hallway. For those of you who don't know the episode, you might want to do some research and read what happened. I hope you enjoy. :) Once again, I took a few liberties regarding the plot. ;)**

 **Chapter 3: Fume**

" _Love is louder than all your pain."_

You are standing in front of one of the courthouse elevators, watching the doors close and your wife disappear behind them. You are fuming and hurt at the same time. How could she? Hell, you know that you screwed up. Big time. There was no need for her to rub it in your face. To take a tone with you that made you feel like a chastised child. To patronize you in the middle of the courthouse hallway, for all to see and for all to hear.

xxxx

The two of you were walking out of the courtroom and through the hallway, Alex strutting next to you, fuming.

"That was ugly."

"Al, Ellis was just doing his job. Stanton is not competent. I tried to warn you –"

" _Warn_ me? You walked me _right_ into it! _You_ wanted a sting operation; _you_ wanted to prosecute all the johns for rape!"

You refrained from pointing out that Amaro had actually been the one suggesting the sting because you wanted your head to stay on your shoulders. In her current mood, she would bite it right off. Wife or not. So you tried the calm approach, tried to reason with your wife of almost two years.

"The guilty ones. Stanton didn't –"

"You _don't_ get to cherry pick! What are we supposed to do? Prosecute _some_ of the johns and not Stanton? What kind of message does that send?"

You could barely suppress your eye-roll. You hated being interrupted. It was a form of showing utter disrespect to other people and you just despised it. She went on with her rant, "That the DA's office gives sports stars a free pass? You want justice for her, you want compassion for him. You can't have it both, Olivia. The world doesn't work that way!"

You balled your fists at your sides at her tone. One last try to be rational about this.

"Alex –"

"And I don't even _want_ to know how Ellis showed up in your squad room."

That was the final straw. You didn't think Alex noticed the flash of pain in your eyes because she was too busy fuming over the seemingly lost case.

xxxx

You are sitting next to Nick when the verdict is announced.

"We find the defendant not guilty."

So the case is indeed lost. You know you messed up, but you can't suppress the warm feeling you get when you see poor Jake Stanton hug his wife, happy about being able to go home with her. It is a difficult situation. You did suggest that Alex prosecute the johns, but the sting was Amaro's idea. Who could have known that during the sting Amanda would handcuff Jake Stanton, the big football star who had suffered from so many concussions throughout his career that he would not even remember what he had done?

However, this one is on you. You already said it to Ellis when he asked why you were putting your job on the line. It is your fault that Stanton had to stand trial. It is your fault that 14-year-old Vicky did not get justice because you wanted the johns being prosecuted.

The crowd slowly dispersed, people leaving the courtroom gradually. You look over to Amaro, who is talking to Vicky's dad, and decide to wait for him. That is until Alex stalks past you, without so much as glancing at you, staring straight ahead, chin held high. Now, you definitely need some fresh air. You get up and make a beeline for the exit.

Waiting on the stairs leading to and from the courthouse, you get a brief glance at Alex hailing a cab after having talked to the press. Having gotten Alex's statement, the whole bunch of journalists swarm Stanton and his wife to get interviews.

You turn to face the exit and keep an eye out for Nick. After a couple of minutes, he makes his way through the doors, looking exhausted.

"I had no idea what to say to Vicky's father."

You give him a look of understanding, "Nobody wins here, Nick."

"I guess you're right," he smiles. "So, that wife of yours seemed pretty agitated when she left. Are you two okay? I saw you in the hallway earlier."

You bury your hands into your coat pockets and look to the ground. "I think there is not anybody who didn't see or hear us… Well, _her_ … in the hallway earlier, Nick."

He squeezes your shoulder, conveying in his own way that he thinks you and Alex are going to be okay. Before you can give him a thankful smile, Stanton has overpowered a court officer and gotten a hold of his gun, holding it to his own head now.

Nick and you pull your own guns, making your way down the steps, trying to reason with a clearly distraught man, holding a gun.

"Jake… Jake… Look at me. Please."

 _Come on, Jake. Look at me._

He does. _There you go_. "Jake, put the gun down."

However, you have not even finished the sentence when his eyes glaze over again.

"Jake, look at me. Drop the gun. Drop the gun, Jake. Drop the gun. Come on, Jake."

You see doubt flicker in his eyes and you know you have gotten through to him.

He slowly lowers his gun and so do Nick and you, sensing the danger being over. Suddenly, many things happen at once. You hear a gunshot cutting through the air and see Stanton fall to the ground with a thud, his wife screaming in agony. You run down the stairs, your heart pounding in your chest, adrenaline pumping through your veins.

As soon as you are at Jake's side, along with his wife, you feel his pulse while calling an ambulance. It is weak but there, so you take off your jacket and cover his lower half with it until the bus arrives.

"Stay with us, Jake. Come on," you plead, applying pressure to his wound continuing to check his pulse, your hand leaving blood stains all over his neck. You press your right hand firmly to his chest and fight to keep your emotions in check; fight to not flash back to the night Alex was shot and you found yourself in a similar position. Kneeling on the floor, pressing your hands to a gunshot wound, blood seeping out uncontrollably. You feel Jake's pulse weaken until there is none anymore.

"No, no, no, no! Jake, stay with me!"

You bring your ear to his face, but he is not breathing.

"Jake, come on! Don't do this to me," you plead, rolling up your sleeves and starting CPR. "Where is that _damn_ bus? Come on, Jake! Please!"

You try to get his heart to beat again, try to make him breathe again, but to no avail.

Within minutes, or hours, you have lost track of time, the bus is there and you make room for the paramedics. They continue what you have started, but it is too late. Jake Stanton is dead and it is your fault. You are sitting on the steps, blood staining your hands and blouse, Nick at your side, his hand on your back. You are staring at a spot on the ground in front of you, trying to keep it together. You wanted to prosecute the johns and now Jake Stanton is lying on the courthouse steps. Dead.

You can hear Nick's voice through the fog, but you are not listening until he tries again.

"Liv? Olivia?"

You blink, back in the present, and look up at him. "What?"

"Do you want me to call Al-"

"NO!"

He flinches slightly at your tone, but his hand stays on your back. "Let's get you to the precinct, clean you up and wrap up the paperwork."

All you can do is nod dumbly, "Okay."

xxxx

You sigh, placing your elbows onto your desk, burying your head in your hands, when your phone starts ringing for the umpteenth time tonight. You know it is Alex, but you just cannot deal with her now. Not over the phone.

You have changed into NYPD sweats and a shirt, your clothes having been neatly folded into evidence bags, and you are now trying to finish the paperwork, but the images of Stanton lying there in his own blood keep coming back to you. However, sometimes the lines start to blur and the image changes to the sidewalk in front of O'Malley's seven years ago, your perfect blonde angel lying on the ground, her blood on your hands, while you begged her to stay with you.

You take a sharp breath and stand up, pacing the floor of the bullpen. If you hadn't suggested that Alex prosecute the johns, Stanton would still be alive. This sentence echoes through your head like a mantra, driving you insane. You desperately wish to turn back time; to change everything that happened today and the last week. You wish that Alex was her to make it all better, but your fight comes to your mind again. It makes you want to cry because you hate fighting with Alex. The two of you have always had passionate fights, but none of them was like the one today. You are in an equal partnership. At least that is what you thought. Never has it been like today. Maybe it was the stress. Alex has been irritated and on edge the whole week. She snubbed Amaro and the Captain, but never has she cut you short in a patronizing manner in the years you have been together; until today. You start your third round in pacing the bullpen and come to a halt when perfectly polished shoes come into view. You stop just shy of running into the Captain and look up. He is looking at you with concerned eyes and you know when he opens his mouth that he will talk to you in this fatherly tone and it makes you want to cry even more.

"Go home, Olivia."

"Cap –"

"Go home to your wife. She called five minutes ago. She is worried. So you, Missus, have to go."

"But I don't wanna!"

You realize that you just sounded like a ten-year-old and you let out a snort of laughter. The Captain joins in and places his hands on your elbows, catching your eyes with his. There is a sparkle in them, "Go home, Liv. Sort things out with her. It's what you need to do. There's nothing the two of you can't overcome. Go to her. Now. Consider it an order."

You know he is kidding because the sparkle has not left his eyes but at the same time, he is very serious about this.

"Okay. Alex will have my ass for not calling her back."

"Yes, she will. But you will have to just suck that up because in fact, you didn't call her back."

"Yeah, I know."

He pats your back before making his way back into his office, closing the door behind him. You sigh deeply before pulling on a gray NYPD sweater over your t-shirt, getting your purse from your desk drawer, and making your way to your car to go and beard the lioness in her den.

xxxx

You greet the doorman as you enter the apartment building, dragging yourself to the elevator, emotionally exhausted and not keen to ride to the top floor. You just want to shower and go to bed. However, this has to be settled as soon as possible, although you are so not ready to deal with your wife. You can only imagine what is waiting for you behind this penthouse door. Alex greeting you with a snippy comment or a steely glare, Alex giving you the cold shoulder altogether. All these are possible scenarios.

The elevator doors open with a soft _ding_ and you step inside, pressing the top floor button. You lean your head back against the wall, watching the little red numbers over your head on the other wall counting up with each floor. Another _ding_ and the doors open. You take a deep breath and step outside, turning right and making your way down the hallway to your penthouse door. You search for your keys in your purse. Once you have found it, you hesitate just in front of the lock, inhaling deeply once more before slowly letting the stream of air out. You slide the key into the lock and turn it, opening the door. You close it behind you, dropping your keys into the bowl on the entry way table. You rid yourself of your shoes, hanging your purse on the coat rack. You close your eyes, breathing deeply and turning around to face whatever it is that is about to come. You make your way to the living room. You notice that it is empty and take a right into the open kitchen area to pour yourself a glass of scotch. You open the cupboard and get the bottle from the top shelf before pulling out a glass and setting both down on the island. You are about to unscrew the cap when you hear a sound coming from the bedroom. You look up. What you see takes your breath away and you almost drop the bottle. Alex steps out of the bedroom, dressed in nothing but an oversized t-shirt, her feet bare, all two hundred and forty miles of her legs on display, nursing a glass of wine.

 _Really, Alex? Fucking hell! A fucking nightshirt that ends fucking mid-thigh? Fuck you!_

You pour yourself a generous amount of amber liquid before capping the bottle and putting it back into the cabinet. You take your glass and make your way to the couch.

"What the _fuck_ were you thinking, Olivia?"

 _Here we go…_

"Please, Alex… I don't have it in me right now. Give me a second."

" _Give_ you a second? I called you twenty times and nothing! No call, no text, _nothing_! Then you come home after, pardon my French, screwing up my case and say that you don't have it in you? With all due respect, but I don't really care!"

Tears spring to your eyes at her words. They hurt so much you do not think you can handle them. You take a large sip from your glass before standing up and making your way over to the window, making sure she sees the pain in your eyes this time.

"Oh, come on, Olivia. Stop acting like a wounded puppy."

You spin around, your eyes blazing, your heart pounding in your chest. "Your tone is inappropriate, Alex."

She lets out a snort. "Inappropriate? And you expect what exactly? A special treatment because we're married and you had your fingers inside of me last night?"

That is when you lose it. Ignoring her hurtful comment that was so not like her, you step right in front of her, your faces inches apart. Your voice is frighteningly calm, "How _dare_ you? What I _expect_ is for you to treat me with respect. Not only because I'm your _wife_ , but also because I'm one of the detectives on your squad. I _know_ that I made a mistake. Hell, blame it all on me if you're so keen on doing so. It's on me. But you were just standing there, in the middle of the courthouse hallway, treating me like shit. Like _shit_! And everyone was there to witness it."

"So this is about your bruised ego? I'm really sorry, Olivia." You could hear the sarcasm overflowing in her voice, making you even more angry.

" _No_ , this is not about anyone's bruised ego. This is about you getting your ass off of your high horse. Because mistakes happen. I'm sorry I fucked this up. I take all the blame, but you talked to me like I didn't know what I was doing. I'm not living in a world of rainbows, unicorns, butterflies, and fucking fluffy baby kittens. I've been doing this for the last twenty years. I _know_ how the world works and I am a senior detective and your fucking _wife_ , not one of your law students."

With that, you step around her. You have had enough. You both had to sleep on it and talk in the morning. You are about to tell her just that when she yanks you back on your arm.

"Don't you _dare_ to walk away from me!"

You turn back around and look at her. Her eyes are a shade darker, her lips slightly parted. You pull her toward you and crash your lips together, letting your tongue invade her mouth instantly. She pushes at your shoulders at first, but you keep pushing her backwards until her back hits the wall next to the bedroom door. She moans and this is answer enough for you. She wants this. Your mouth descends her neck, biting firmly, marking her, your hands pulling her shirt over her head, throwing it aside. She is not wearing a bra, only a barely there thong and your mouth goes dry. You envelop her right breast, letting your tongue swirl, sucking full force while your hand squeezes the other one roughly, pinching the nipple every now and then.

Her head hits the wall behind her with a dull thud, moaning, her hands going to your hair. You stop her, taking her hands into yours, pinning them over her head. Your right hand wanders down over her belly, massaging her through her panties.

You groan loudly at the feeling of her wetness soaking your fingers through the fabric.

With that, you wrap her left leg around your waist before pushing her thong aside and entering her swiftly with two fingers. She lets out a whimper and you start thrusting. Hard and deep, curling your fingers every time you pull out. She meets you halfway, bringing her hips down with force. She is a sight. Her eyes are boring into yours, her hands still trapped against the wall, her hips thrusting down, her breasts bouncing lightly with the force of her downward thrusts. You bring your mouth down to the top of her breast, sucking, leaving a mark once again. You can feel her thighs twitching and you know that she is close. You bring your thumb to her clit, flicking it firmly, feeling her walls starting to clench your fingers.

"Come for me, Alex!" you growl into her shoulder, biting down hard. They were the first words any of you has spoken and with that, she traps your fingers completely inside her and crashes down around you with a loud moan, making it impossible for you to move. So you keep stroking the sweet spot inside her while your thumb keeps stroking her clit, letting her ride it out.

You let your head fall onto her shoulder, letting her hands go, listening as her breathing slows and you feel tears stinging in your eyes. She strokes your head and whispers, "We will still have to talk about this, Liv."

"I know."

All your emotions come forward at once, tears falling, your shoulders shaking, a sob leaving you. You pull out of her, wrapping your arms around her, breathing her in. She holds you, stroking your upper back and cradling your head.

"What happened?"

You look up to her, "Cragen didn't tell you?"

She smiles lightly, "He doesn't break your confidence, Liv."

"Stanton shot himself in front of the courthouse. I tried to save him, but it was too late. I started CPR until the bus arrived but he didn't make it."

"Oh my God, Baby. I'm so sorry."

You immediately start shaking your head, "You didn't know, Alex. It's okay."

"No, it's not. Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not. I had flashbacks to the night you were shot, seeing you there on the pavement, bleeding out."

Tears gather in her eyes and pour down her cheeks and you wipe them away.

"It's okay, my sweet. It was a week from hell and we both have to sleep on it. Tomorrow morning, we will talk like adults. Okay?" You smile at her.

She nods her head, "I'm sorry."

You put your finger to her lips. "Shhh, my Baby. No apologies. We will talk tomorrow. Come on."

You take her hand and guide her to the bedroom, pulling the covers back, tucking her in. You shed your clothes and slip in beside her, gathering her in your arms, letting her rest her head on your shoulder.

You stroke her back gently before kissing her forehead. "Sleep, Baby. We will talk over coffee in the morning."

You comment earns you a chuckle, "You wouldn't get a word out without your black, liquid gold."

You snort, "That, my love, is so very true."

"I'm sorry."

"What did I say? No more sorries. We both did and said things that were not very nice. So let's sleep and talk about it tomorrow."

She sighs into your neck. "Okay."

"That's my girl."

You continue stroking her back. You are both so emotionally exhausted that you succumb to sleep almost immediately.

 **A/N 3: Thanks for reading, folks. The quote is taken from the song "Break The Cycle" by You+Me. Let me know what you think and would like to read. Sorry for any mistakes. I proofread it twice, but my proofreading works best when I've already published it. ;)**

 **I'm not one hundred percent happy with this chapter, so reviews are love. :** )

 **Until next time, my lovelies. :)**


	4. Chapter 4: Beginning of Forever

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Some of the dialogue is taken from 7x19, "Fault". Not mine either.**

 **A/N 1: I know that I have been seriously lacking in the updating department regarding this story. Life happened in so many ways and for a while, I just didn't feel like writing this one. I'm truly sorry. However, this chapter is a little longer than the last ones. I hope that makes up for it. Thank you again for all the reviews, favorites and alerts. They really mean the world. When I first posted this I did not expect such a positive response. It is overwhelming and I feel so very honored. Thank you!**

 **A/N 2: So, my lovely readers… to give you all a fair warning… I will completely ignore the episode** _ **Lead**_ **in this because it would not fit into my story. With chapter two I set a scene that would make Alex not contacting Liv for three years implausible; at least in my opinion. I hope the time frame is right. Alex came back in 2006 as Bureau Chief in** _ **Conviction**_ **; 2006 was the end of season 7 or the beginning of season 8 of** _ **SVU**_ **. So I chose 7x19. I hope you enjoy. On with the show!**

 **xxxx**

 **Chapter 4: Beginning of Forever**

" _You and me, we belong together just like a breath needs the air. They say everything happens for a reason. You can be flawed enough, but perfect for a person. Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart, guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark. That's you and me…"_

 **Thursday, March 30** **th** **, 2006: the evening after the Clifford case**

" _I want a new partner."_

You fell onto the couch, taking a large sip of your beer before leaning your head back, sighing, and closing your eyes. You never thought that there would come a day you would say these words to Cragen. Quite frankly, Elliot had been a dick while working this case, taking all of his bundled up anger and guilt out on you, but after having found seven-year-old Rebecca alive, you realized that he might have been right. The two of you had gotten too close over the years.

" _Look, we both chose each other over the job. I'll never let that happen again. Otherwise, we can't be partners."_

You absentmindedly let your fingers trace the wound on your neck where Gitano's knife had cut into your skin. According to the EMT, it was your lucky day because only a few centimeters would have made the difference between you being alive or dead. However, it did not feel like that. At first, you couldn't believe what Elliot had said but after having given his words some thought, you had agreed; even if it had only been internally. It hurt so much, but the rational part of your brain knew you made the right decision to go to the Captain. Elliot and you both needed a break from each other. So in that moment, you were sitting alone on your couch, a mindless movie playing in the background, and you were eyeing your Chinese take-out of sweet and sour chicken with noodles on the coffee table warily. You were not hungry. However, you had barely eaten in the last two days so you needed to at least try and eat, even though the thought alone made your stomach roll unpleasantly.

Maybe Elliot was right and it really was your fault that Ryan Clifford had died at the age of nine. Even before finishing that thought you shook your head violently, trying to shake off the images.

 _Get a grip, Benson. You couldn't get a clear shot because there were hundreds of civilians around and he was using the child as a shield._

However, you could not get Elliot's words out of your head. You had fought in the middle of the precinct, screaming at each other for all to hear until Cragen had threatened the both of you with suspension.

" _Well, you got close and Ryan's dead. You know, I can't do this anymore. I can't keep looking over my shoulder, making sure you're okay. I need to know that you can do your job and not wait for me to come to your rescue."_

You closed your eyes again, taking another swig out of the beer bottle, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. "Fuck you, Elliot Stabler. Just fuck you."

You knew he did not mean the words he had said. He was not blaming you. He was blaming himself and needed an outlet for his frustration. But Gitano's words were an entirely different story. You stood up from the couch, making your way over to the window, watching the world outside go by in a blur. You could not say if your vision was blurry because of the tears that were brimming in your eyes or because of the raindrops making their way down the window pane. It was probably both. The last two days kept replaying in your head. Huang had talked to Gitano's psychiatrist, Dr. Paula Greenfield, and she had warned him that Gitano was a man who had a talent of quickly sensing someone's weaknesses. Once he did, he exploited them shamelessly. You had gotten a taste of it that very day. The things Gitano said had cut into your heart; they were still haunting you.

He had known perfectly well that you were not going to shoot him because you wouldn't have taken the risk of hitting Elliot. So he had looked into your eyes with a wide grin, daring you; challenging you, playing with your mind. He had ridiculed you, knowing he had power over you because he had been the only one knowing where Rebecca was; knowing that you were never going to shoot him because he was using your partner as a shield. He had been there when you had not taken a shot at him at the bus station. You did not want to risk Rebecca's life and he had seen right through you. That knowledge had given him power over you.

You turned the beer bottle in your hands, the condensation wetting them, while you were staring at the busy New York streets without really seeing, the events of the day still replaying in your head. Somewhere in the back of your head you heard a dull repetitive sound but you chose to ignore it for the time being. However, when it became too persistent to ignore, a gentle rapping against wood, you turned around, placing the bottle on the coffee table before making your way to the door. Too emotionally exhausted to even look through the peephole, you opened it for whoever had a death wish and decided to disturb your peace for the evening. Your eyes widened and you immediately slammed the door shut again.

"Liv?" A tentative voice could be heard on the other side, followed by another knock, and you shook your head to clear your mind.

Taking a deep breath, you slowly turned the handle, pulling it open again, your eyes still widened disbelievingly, "A-Alex?"

She smiled sweetly at you, "Yes, it's me, Liv."

You just stood there in shock. Everything that had happened between you two invaded your mind instantly, the painful memories tugging at your heartstrings in a very unpleasant way. You remember too well how she was ripped away from you a second time, just one and a half years prior. She had come back for the Connors trial only to disappear into WitSec once again after it was over. You stepped aside to let her in, closing and locking the door behind you.

After standing awkwardly in the hallway for a few moments just staring at each other, you tentatively lifted your hand to reach for her face, letting your forefinger trace her jaw before cupping her cheek, watching her close her eyes and lean into your touch. Tears gathered in your eyes, your thumb stroking her face.

"Al…"

Cerulean blue orbs opened and looked into your own brown ones, her hand taking yours, and she turned her head to press a tiny kiss to your palm, your eyes never leaving each other. She pulled you into her, wrapping her arms around your neck and taking you into a tight hug, your arms going to her slim waist. The scent of her almond body lotion hit your nostrils and you breathed deeply, glad that she had not changed it over the time you were apart, bringing a whiff of familiarity with her on this day that had been an emotional rollercoaster. You tightened your hold on her and let the tears fall freely, every emotion of the day coursing through you and coming out in a sob, your shoulders shaking, your hands holding on to her coat as if your life depended on it. From the wet spot forming on your shirt you could tell that she was crying as well, so you started stroking up and down her back, the two of you just rocking gently. A few moments of you just relishing in the newfound closeness passed before you pulled away, helping her out of her coat and leading her into your living room.

The two of you sat down on the couch, eyes locked, just staring, taking the other in.

"Would you, uuuh –" you cleared your throat awkwardly, "Would you like something to drink? Water? Wine?"

A smile played at her lips, "Wine sounds amazing."

"Red or white?"

"Red."

You nodded dumbly, standing up and making your way to the kitchen. You reached for a wine glass and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, quickly uncorking it before returning to your vacated spot on the couch. You poured Alex a glass and set the bottle down next to it.

"Sorry it didn't have time to breathe. I wasn't expecting company."

"It's okay, Liv. I can wait." Her eyes darted across your face before she let them roam across the room, as if memorizing every detail. They zeroed in on your cold dinner, left untouched on the coffee table. Blue orbs locked back onto yours and she cocked her head to the side, raising a questioning eyebrow at you, "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"Why do you think something happened?"

She chuckled softly, "Oh come on, Liv! Really? Sweet and sour chicken with noodles? You'd have inhaled it by now because it's your favorite."

You smiled softly, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall once again. At this point you didn't know what had you this emotional anymore. The fact that she knew you so well, this one question lingering in the air between you two, waiting to be asked, or Elliot fucking Stabler and his cocky asshat attitude.

She must have sensed your inner turmoil because she covered your hand with hers, soothingly stroking it with her thumb, whispering, "Talk to me, Baby."

Her using this oh-so-familiar pet name for you caused you to perk up, deciding you would address the elephant dancing hip hop in the middle of the living room first, "Al… Is this forever? Are you back for good?"

There! The question was asked and the giant grin that formed on her face was answer enough, making your heart leap into your throat and butterflies erupt in your belly, fluttering around furiously.

She squeezed your hand with hers, biting her lip, "Velez died in prison and Connors was extradited to Ireland, so I was able to leave Witness Protection. I just brought my things to my new apartment, showered, and came right to you. Monday is my first day back at the DA's office. Branch offered me the job as the Homicide Bureau Chief after Agent Hammond informed him that I'd come back to New York."

You were not able to form words, so you just kept staring at her. You felt joy and pain, elation and desperation, all at once. Overwhelmed by everything you were feeling you just kept staring at her without saying a word.

"Liv? Would you please say something?"

You still sat there in shock, faintly seeing the waving of her hand in front of your eyes, trying to get a reaction out of you. Only when she gave up and stood, saying something about something not being a good idea, you snapped out of your haze, grabbing her wrist, and preventing her from going anywhere. You pulled her back down into a sitting position and you kneeled on the couch, swinging your left leg over her thighs, carefully straddling her. Her hands automatically went to your hips, clenching gently, her eyes not leaving yours. You pressed your foreheads together, tangling your hands in her hair, tears burning behind your eyes again, but this time you let them fall freely. She stroked your back in a soothing manner, whispering, "Shh, Baby. It's okay. I'm here now. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

A strangled sob left your mouth and you buried your nose in her neck, taking a shaky breath at the feeling your former lover pressed against you once again.

Languidly stroking up and down your back, she kept whispering into your ear, "It's okay, Baby. Shh…"

You breathed deeply once again, taking in her scent and letting it wash over you. It relaxed you, taking away all the pain and confusion of the last few days. However, it did not wash away the pain you felt when she left you a second time. So you had to ask, mumbling into her neck, feeling her shudder as your breath hit her skin, "Why didn't you say goodbye? We were all waiting for you in Casey's office and then Hammond came in alone, informing us that you were being relocated. I felt like I was dying inside after everything that happened between us the night before."

She pushed your shoulders gently to get you to look at her and you could see tears in her eyes as well, "I couldn't. If I had come to see you I would have broken down and I figured it would be easier for you, too. Easier to let me go because I didn't know when or if ever I would be able to come back. Especially after the night we shared. I just couldn't. It would have killed both of us. Think about it."

You started playing with her hair and let the scene unfold in your head once again. Maybe she was right. It would have hurt either way, but it would have hurt more if she actually had come to say goodbye.

"I understand. It would have hurt worse had you been there with Hammond. I wouldn't have been able to let you go. I would have begged him to let me go with you. Not that I didn't anyway…"

She perked up at these words and you blushed, looking down embarrassedly. She tilted your head back up, "I figured. But what if I hadn't been able to return to New York? I couldn't have you resent me later on. I know how devoted you are to your job, to the victims. I know because I feel the same way about mine. I couldn't have lived with you hating me one day. So I prayed and prayed, wishing that I would be able to return one day because living without you was hell on earth."

"I felt the same, Baby. I cried every night for a year. I just kept going on numbly. Working harder and harder, longer hours with every week you were gone, at one point only sleeping in the cribs for a couple of hours, living mostly on caffeine. I have only gotten better in the last couple of months, thanks to Huang. He helped me so much and I'm really thankful he never gave up on me. He tried talking to me relentlessly, even if I bit his head off for it. I even told him that if he tried to shrink me again, I would shoot him. But he never gave up on me until I finally cracked and broke down."

You could see the pain in her eyes at your words, feeling horrible for having put it there as soon as you saw it. You cupped her face in your hands, stroking her cheeks with your thumbs. You both simultaneously leaned in and brushed your lips together, the old fire between you igniting again at the first touch. You whimpered and so did she, your lips moving against each other in perfect sync. You let your tongue swipe her lower lip and she granted you access, both of you moaning as your tongues tangled, dancing together as if you had never been apart.

Breaking the kiss, you breathed deeply, trying to calm your already raging libido, because your need for her had only become stronger over the last 18 months.

"I missed you so much," you heard her whisper and it made you smile, opening your eyes, cerulean blue orbs longingly looking back into yours.

"I missed you too, Baby," you breathed before reconnecting your lips, chastely this time, knowing that now was not the time to take things further, no matter how much you had missed each other. "Wanna snuggle and restart this awesome, mindless movie?" you asked hopefully, pointing at the TV, _Cheaper by the Dozen_ still playing from earlier.

"No!" she answered, unfazed, and you felt your stomach drop, "I want you to eat something and then snuggle with you on this unbelievably comfy loveseat and restart that awesome, mindless movie. So now, I will reheat your sweet and sour chicken and you will eat it, otherwise I will have to shove this chopstick up your nose. Understood?" she added, making you snort and then burst out into loud cackles.

She grinned and you felt butterflies erupt in your stomach, "Did Casey tell you?"

Her grin turned into a confused frown, "No. How could she have told me anything? You're the first person I ran to after having come back."

You slapped your hand against your forehead, "Of course! Okay, tell you what. Let's reheat dinner and share, because I'm sure you haven't had anything to eat either, and I will tell you the whole glorious story."

She nodded and helped you stand, getting up herself and the two of you made your way into the kitchen where Alex got a pan and spatula, filling the pan with a bit of water.

You watched her, not really understanding what the hell she was doing, "What are you doing, Baby? I have a microwave."

She turned around and smirked, "If you reheat food in a pan with water it will get a nice taste to it. Trust me, it's delicious. It's this particular taste of fried food that makes it special."

"Oooookay…"

xxxx

Ten minutes later, you sat back down on the loveseat facing each other with one leg tucked underneath you, both holding a plate of deliciously smelling food.

"So, Detective… What's the story?"

Leaning back against the armrest, you began, "Well, Casey asked me to accompany her to one of Branch's charity events–"

"She did _what_? I will kill her! _Kill._ _Her_. And you… you _went_ with her?" Alex shrieked.

"As friends, Baby," you interjected soothingly, smiling softly, "Now… may I continue?"

She looked like a ten-year-old who had just been caught with her hands in the cookie jar, "Oh… sorry… Of course."

You laughed heartily and continued your story, "It was Branch's annual Domestic Violence charity event and were already quite tipsy when we arrived, all dressed up and in killer heels. All of New York's most important people were attending and there was delicious food and drinks. So Casey and I got drinks and sushi, eating at a bar table when she spotted someone behind me. She told me to give her my chopsticks. I was eating with cutlery because I was so tipsy I would have poked my eye out had I eaten with chopsticks. So I gave mine to Casey and she placed them right next to her on the table, waiting. I still didn't have any idea what exactly she was waiting for. She was just standing there, pressing her lips together. Then suddenly, he walks by. Donald Trump himself, slowly making his way through the crowd, socializing here and there, not a hair out of place."

You winked at her and she started giggling wildly. You thought it was the most angelic sound on the face of this planet.

"Anyway, he made his way past us at snail pace because there were so many people wanting to talk to him and his wife and Casey gave me that impish grin. You know, the Casey grin when she is about to get goofy?" Alex nodded. "Yeah, _that_ grin. She took the chopsticks, put one into her clutch and started to leave the table. On her way, she quickly leaned over and stuck the second chopstick in Trump's hair and then, as if nothing ever happened, made her way to the bathroom. In that moment, Trump turned around because apparently he thought someone had brushed past him and there was little me, having to pretend to be eating sushi, fork and knife firmly in my hands, instead of being just shy of a giggling fit."

By that point, Alex was shaking with laughter, covering her mouth with one hand, clutching her stomach with the other, "Oh my God. That is so Casey!"

You joined in with tiny giggles at the picture of Casey in your head, "I know, right? Best thing was, when she came back from the bathroom, still unfazed, I was like, _'What the hell, Novak?'_ and she looked at me with that bored expression, and said, _'What? I have always been fascinated with his hair and wanted to see if it was a wig…'_ "

Gasping for air, Alex wiped the tears of laughter away, "I wish I had been there. I bet it was priceless."

"Yeah, it really was. You would have had a blast," you snickered, but suddenly your mood was dampened by the thought why Alex had not been able to join Casey and you for this event.

She immediately noticed the change in your behavior, "What is it, Liv?"

Looking up at her through your eyelashes, you tentatively asked, "So… where did they relocate you to?" When you saw her swallow hard, you quickly added, "If you don't mind me asking."

"Liv, you can ask me anything," she smiled softly before taking a deep breath, "It's just hard to talk about it. Being an ADA from New York in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin, pretending to be from Tulsa, pretending to be a claims adjustor, coming back to be the ADA from New York for two days, only to be taken away once again to fucking Alaska, where I had to pretend to be an English teacher from Orlando."

You got whiplash just from trying to follow so you could only imagine what was going on in Alex's head, "Alaska? Jeez!"

"I know, right? It was so lonely, Liv. So, so lonely. There were squirrels, moose, and bears in my garden. But could we not talk about this now? I want to talk about happy things. How are Elliot, Kathy, and the kids?"

A giant lump formed in your throat once more and you could feel your shoulders slump with disappointment, so Alex backtracked, "Okay, maybe that's not really a happy thing to talk about, either?"

"No, Baby. It's okay. Long story short, it's just been a rough couple of days. We had a case where two siblings were kidnapped. The nine-year-old boy was murdered, I nearly got myself killed as well, but we were able to find the little seven-year-old sister. The perp attacked me with a knife and Elliot came to see if I was okay instead of going after the perp. That was when he slit the little boy's throat and Elliot blamed me afterwards. We screamed at each other in the precinct hallway before we ended up in a warehouse while we were searching for the girl and the perp held a shotgun to Elliot's head. I wouldn't have taken the shot. He has four children and a fifth on the way. I couldn't. That's when I realized that he was right and we had gotten too close. I asked Cragen for a new partner tonight and he told me that there was a vacant spot with Computer Crimes. I'll start on Monday. Elliot doesn't know yet."

Her eyes were soft and she placed her empty plate onto the coffee table before leaning back and opening her arms for you to snuggle into her. She did not have to ask you twice and you set your plate down as well and climbed into her comforting embrace. You cuddled into her side, placing your head onto her chest, your arm wrapped around her middle, her left hand playing with your hair. You let her scent wash over you, relishing in the calming effect she still had on you, easing the turmoil raging deep within.

She reached for the remote and restarted the movie, Bonnie Hunt talking about the number twelve being an important part of her life. You buried your nose into her hair, inhaling deeply, and closing your eyes, not bothering to follow the movie. After a while of just enjoying the closeness, you whispered, "Stay the night?"

She tightened her hold on you, whispering back, "I would love to."

With that, you buried yourself deeper into her embrace and let yourself really relax for the first time that night, for the first time in a long time really, listening to her heartbeat, and feeling her breathing evening out as you both succumbed to sleep.

xxxx

You were woken up by a gentle shaking of your shoulders, a familiar husky voice breathing your name into the darkness, "Liv… Olivia… Wake up."

"Don't wanna. Five more minutes."

"Baby, I need you to wake up, just for a few moments so we can go to bed."

You blinked sleepily, not wanting to let your wonderful dream go. Alex had been standing at your front door, back from WitSec, and told you that she was back for good. It was too good to be true and too good to be woken up from.

You grumbled, blindly reaching for the remote, before turning off the TV, and you were sure that somewhere in your fuzzy mind you heard a soft chuckle. You got up from the couch, your eyes still closed and made your way to your bedroom, shedding your clothes on the way, falling face first into bed, snuggling into the covers. Neither did you feel the dip of the mattress, nor the warm body pressing into you just seconds later, strong arms holding you close.

xxxx

You were standing in the doorway to your bedroom, leaning against the doorframe with your left shoulder while sipping the coffee you had just brewed with your right hand, staring at the blonde angel in your bed, watching the soft rise and fall of her chest with every breath she took.

Having woken up that morning to soft breaths against your neck, you had jumped at first, slowly realizing that it was Alex who was cuddled into your side. It had not been a dream. She was really there with you, and she indeed was out of WitSec and back for good.

You languidly brought the steaming mug to your lips and sipped, watching Alex turning onto her back and throwing her arm over her eyes, mumbling in her sleep, "Timon, leave Pumbaa alone. Simba's party is in Soho and we'll have to be there by nine."

You snorted, but quickly pulled yourself together and left the room, closing the door behind you so as not to wake her. Padding over to the loveseat, you could not stop smiling at Alex's cuteness. You sat down and tucked your legs underneath you, coffee still in your right hand, picking up the book you had started six months prior with your left to continue reading it.

" _Magrat was entranced, as usual. The theatre was no more than some lengths of painted sacking, a plank stage laid over a few barrels, and half a dozen benches set out in the village square…"_

You got so lost in the Discworld that you had not heard Alex get up or in the shower. You only returned to the real world when the bedroom door opened and a damp-haired Alex stepped out, a pair of your sweatpants and one of your tanks on, glasses perched on her nose, and you smiled at the old familiarity, the blonde obviously still feeling comfortable enough at your place that she took a shower without asking you first.

"Hey Beautiful," you breathed, placing your book onto the coffee table and getting up from the couch. You walked over to her, wrapping your free arm around her waist, and pulled her closer to press your lips to hers in a gentle kiss. "Coffee?"

She smiled, brushing your noses together, "Yes, please."

You made your way over to the coffee pot and got another mug from the cabinet. You poured Alex her coffee, leaving space for creamer and stevia, "I don't have the hazelnut creamer you like, Baby. I'm sorry."

You felt strong arms wrap around you and her breath hit your ear, making you close your eyes and your body shudder, "That's okay, my sweet. Don't apologize. I didn't exactly call before showing up at your doorstep." She kissed the spot below your ear gently, letting her tongue dart out. You jumped, turning around in her arms.

"Your coffee," you stuttered out and her hearty chuckle let you know that she was amusing herself about your awkwardness. She took her coffee and pulled you close by the waist this time, stopping just shy of your lips. Your eyes kept darting down to her mouth and you had to force yourself to stay focused on her eyes. Blue orbs sparkled, telling you that she knew what she was doing to you. She leaned further in, your lips brushing, and she breathed, "Thank you."

You shuddered and swallowed hard, her grip on your waist loosening as she sauntered back over to the loveseat, your eyes zeroing in on the sway in her hips and her backside. Taking in a shaky breath and praying for strength, you followed her, sitting down next to her, and you both sipped your coffees, eyes finding each other over and over again. You were just not able to look away.

"How did you sleep?" you asked and watched her closing her eyes, humming.

"Mmmm, I haven't slept that well in years. The last time I slept that well was the night before the Connors trial."

You grinned widely, "Must be the company."

She snorted, luckily when she did not have coffee in her mouth, "Yes, it was definitely the company. What are you reading?" she asked, pointing the battered copy of your book which was now resting on the coffee table. Your hands found each other on top of the backrest, brushing casually.

" _Wyrd Sisters_ by Terry Pratchett. It's the sixth book of his Discworld series. Lizzie recommended that I read his stuff. It's quite amazing to get into. It gave me an escape from the job and missing you."

Her eyes softened and she intertwined her fingers with yours, "Lizzie as in Lizzie Stabler?"

Nodding, you took another sip of your coffee before answering, "Yes. I swear, this child doesn't read books, she eats them. She has read the whole series so far and I borrow her copies."

Your gaze drifted off into the distance and she immediately noticed, she always noticed, squeezing your hand with hers, "Are you okay, Liv? Do you want to talk about it some more?"

Shaking your head, you answered, "No, Baby. It's okay. Really. It's just a thought I have to get used to. Elliot and I have been partners for almost eight years. He once said that he spends more time with me than he does with his own family. You get used to each other and Elliot and I have gotten too close over the years. So close that we were being unprofessional. We just need the distance. It's okay."

Concerned eyes bore into you, "Promise?"

"I promise you, Baby."

Her hand came up to your face and cupped your cheek, her thumb stroking along your cheekbone delicately and you closed your eyes, relishing in the feeling of closeness, fighting back the tears.

Her voice was like honey, "Baby?"

"You're back," you croaked out, sounding all snotty and you felt like you just had to be the least appealing human being on the face of this planet at that moment. She pressed her lips together and you knew that she was trying not to laugh, "Don't laugh at me," you whined, pushing your lower lip out. At that she started giggling, trying to keep it together for your sake, but to no avail.

"Yes, Baby. I'm back. I won't leave you ever again."

Alex took your coffee mug and placed it on the coffee table along with her own before she leaned over and softly pressed your lips together, making you gasp. She sat up and straddled you on the couch, wrapping her arms around your neck and burying her hands in your hair to pull you closer.

You clutched her hips and let yourself fall deeper into the kiss, letting your tongue swipe her lower lip, pressing for entrance she instantly granted you. Both of you moaned simultaneously at the first touch of your tongues, taking the time to reconnect, letting them get reacquainted once again. You leisurely let your thumbs stroke along the hem of the tank she was wearing, feeling her milky skin beneath your fingertips. You felt her breath hitch and you knew that she wanted this, too. The sheer gentleness of the kiss and of your tentative touches made your body melt and at the same time ignited a fire in the pit of your stomach, a slowly burning flame for the woman you loved warming your insides.

Your hands grew bolder and completely slipped under her shirt and stroked up her back, both of your breathing intensifying at the touch. Breaking the kiss, you pulled her shirt over her head, flinging it across the room carelessly before locking eyes with her. You forced yourself to look into her eyes and not down to her breasts. This was about so much more than sexual gratification. This was about reconnecting and emotional bonding.

Her eyes were a darker shade of blue, her pupils dilated, and her kiss-swollen lips were slightly parted. Finally breaking the eye-contact and looking down, you could not hold back the strangled sound ripping from your throat at the sight of her perfect, creamy breasts, perky, nipples already hardened. If it was from the chill in your apartment or from arousal, you could not tell. You brushed your lips against hers once more before kissing your way down her neck, letting your tongue dart out here and there, feeling her pulse thump beneath your lips. Her grip on your hair tightened as you neared her breasts, pressing hot kisses to her upper chest, before wandering further down. You worshipped the skin around her nipple, her squirming indicating that she wanted more. Encouraging her to lean back into your arms, you leaned down and took a nipple into your mouth. You moaned at the same time she took in a sharp breath, throwing her head back and arching her back, pressing her breast further into your mouth.

"Oh God, Liv," she breathed and you could feel the slow thrusting of her hips against, your abdomen. You let your lips brush the stiff peak before letting it go, pulling her back into a heated kiss. You parted and darkened blue pools looked back at you as she whispered, "Not here, Baby. Take me to bed."

She did not have to tell you twice. You pushed yourself and her up from the couch, letting her wrap her legs around your waist, and you carried her to the bedroom, kicking the door shut behind you. Slowly lowering her down onto the bed, you had to close your eyes at the feeling of her body sliding down yours, all your senses heightened, your desire for this beautiful blonde angel just as fierce as the day you met her. She looked up at you with hooded eyes, tugging at the strings of your yoga pants to peel it off of you. You took the hint, pulling your own tank over your head before stepping out of the pants. You were not wearing any underwear and you smirked at seeing her breath catch in her throat. She placed butterfly kisses on your abdomen, her hands reaching up to cup both your breasts gently, making you whimper with pleasure. You watched her every move, but you had to slow her down. You took her hands in yours and kissed her palms before reconnecting your eyes.

Confused blue orbs were looking back at you, "What is it? Did I do something wrong?"

You cupped both her cheeks and kissed her softly, "No, Baby. I just need to feel you."

Kneeling down in front of her, you never broke eye-contact. You hooked your index fingers in the waistband of her sweatpants and panties and pulled them down at the same time and she helped you by lifting her hips from the bed. After having added them to the pile of clothes on the floor, you pushed yourself back up and she simultaneously scooted up to the headboard. You crawled toward her and lay down next to her, turning onto your side so you could face her.

Inching closer to the blonde, you put your hand on her hip and pulled her closer, your thighs touching. You wanted to crawl into her, feel her warm skin against yours. The love you saw in her blue orbs was overwhelming and your hand traveled along her spine, up between her shoulders. Alex's eyes fluttered shut and you could see goose bumps forming on her skin. She pulled off her glasses and carefully placed them on the bedside table, before leaning in to kiss you once again.

Continuing to caress her smooth back, your hands wandered upwards into thick blonde locks, holding on to her head when Alex deepened the kiss. Your tongues met, making you both groan once again, followed by a desperate whimper that ripped from your throat when you felt light fingertips against your breast, her thumb brushing your already stiff nipple making you pull away and arch into her hand, "Oh, Alex…"

She used your position to her advantage and kissed your neck, tongue lingering here and there while slowly rolling you over so she was on top. Feeling that silky tongue against your skin, you tightened your hold on her hair, tilting your head back, but feeling a pull in your neck where Gitano had struck you with his knife made you flinch. Alex pulled back to look at you and saw your pained expression. She softly stroked the patched up wound on your neck and you saw tears gather in her eyes, her lower lip trembling, "I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you, Liv."

Her words tugged at your heartstrings and you pulled her down for a chaste kiss, letting her put her head onto your shoulder. You felt her take a deep breath, inhaling your scent and you did the same, the fingertips of both your hands languidly stroking up and down her spine, "I'm not going anywhere, Baby."

You turned your head and kissed her ear, waiting for her to come back to you, just relishing in the closeness, her naked body pressed against yours. After a while of just being, you heard her whisper softly, "I missed you so much. Every day I was away I longed even more for you. I felt like I couldn't breathe."

Closing your eyes to fight back your own tears, you tightened your hold on her, "Shhh, Baby. It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay. I'm here. We're together now. Nothing is ever going to change that again."

You started drawing tiny circles on her lower back, knowing that it would have a calming effect on her. Leaning down, you fumbled to get a hold of the sheets and pulled them up and tightly around the two of you, forming a cocoon of warmth against the chill of the room.

You had already let the thought of getting hot and sweaty go when you felt soft lips and her warm, wet tongue against your neck once more, making you shudder and gasp lightly, leaning your head back again to give her better access. She held her weight on her left forearm and cupped your breast with her right, gently massaging it, brushing her thumb over your nipple every now and then, making you arch your back.

Her mouth wandered lower to you're the valley between your breasts, letting her tongue brush against the smooth flesh there before trailing to the side to envelop your other breast, the movement of her hand never ceasing. She let her tongue swirl before closing her lips around your stiff peak, suckling softly.

Throwing your head back, you could not hold back the groan forming in your throat and buried your hands into silken blonde locks.

"God, Al," you breathed, feeling wetness pooling between your legs, your body primed already.

Blonde hair tickled your upper chest, as she made her way further down your body, your abs twitching when her lips and tongue trailed your abdomen. She settled between your legs and looked up at you and you could not help but bite your lip at that sight. Your fingers tangled in her hair and you pulled gently, making her smile and lean down.

The first touch of her tongue to your throbbing center caused you to moan deeply, arching your back again and tightening your hold on flaxen hair. She took a long swipe, bottom to top, before running her tongue over your clit, lightly flicking it, before sucking it softly into her mouth.

You started whimpering helplessly, your hips bucking up at the pleasure she was giving you. Opening your eyes, you saw nothing but the plain white ceiling. You needed to look at her; needed to feel her skin and body completely against yours while you made love.

"Al… Alex! I need to… Uuuuuuh… Please, Baby. Together. I wanna watch you, too."

Her tongue dipped inside you and you let out a primal, strangled sound, " _Please_ , Alex. Together. I need to see you; feel you."

So Alex moved upward again and straddled your thigh as she sat on her knees. You moaned at the plethora of wetness she created on your skin with her own excitement, grabbing her hips, squeezing firmly, your eyes never leaving hers.

Your hands wandered up to her breasts and you cupped them, two perfect globes, teasing her nipples with your palms. Alex's hips gave an involuntary thrust at your touch, making both of you groan loudly as she smeared her wetness on your leg. She leaned down again to support her weight on her left forearm, bringing her hand to your twitching core, and you felt her fingers slip from the amount of wetness oozing from you. You were face to face, noses and lips brushing, as she pushed into you with one finger, watching your every move as you bit your lip and let out a desperate whimper, starting to roll your hips against her hand, "More, Baby. Please," you begged and you felt her lips curl up into a smile against your own.

Her smile was followed by another hot, wet kiss as she pulled out and back in with two fingers, starting to pump gently.

"Uuuuuuh, God!" you cried out, matching the movement of her fingers with your hips, letting her go deeper. "Oh, fuck… yes, Baby. Just like that."

When she curled her fingers the first time, your whole body jumped and you bore yourself down harder onto her fingers, desperate for release.

Feeling her breath against your ear, you heard her whisper, "I missed you so much, my love. So very much."

She bit down on your earlobe, suckling gently, and you could feel her starting to grind herself onto your thigh.

You pulled her head up so you could look at each other, both of your starting to pant, unable hold back your loud whimpers.

Her blue orbs boring into yours, staring straight into your soul, she curled her fingers with each thrust now, picking up her pace, brushing your clit to heighten your pleasure. You were a blubbering mess at that point, unable to form words, as you moved against each other, so close to falling over the edge.

"God, Al… I… you… I'm… Ugh… I'm… I'm gonna…"

Brushing her nose against yours, she whispered, "That's it, my Baby. Come for me."

That was all you needed to start spasming uncontrollably, crashing down and surrendering to wave after wave of pleasure rolling through your body, your loud groans of satisfaction filling the bedroom.

She continued riding your leg and you knew that she had been holding out for your sake, wanting to make you come first. Gently pulling out of you she brought her right arm next to your head to hold herself up on both arms now, giving her perfect leverage to grind herself harder onto your thigh.

Picking up her pace, she panted heavily, loud whimpers leaving her mouth with every thrust of her hips, her shaking legs indicating that her clit was being stimulated perfectly.

You brought your hands to her backside and squeezed firmly, encouraging her to move faster and harder against your leg, her lips taking yours in a sloppy kiss as she thrusted once, twice, three times, before finally letting her own body succumb to its orgasm, moaning for all your neighbors to hear.

"Oh God… Fuck… Baby… Baby!"

You took her lips in a deep kiss to muffle her sounds, letting her ride out her climax, waiting for her to come down from her intense high.

As the final jolts of her orgasm rolled through Alex, her arms gave out and she fell forward, her arms unable to hold her up any longer, her upper body colliding with yours. You pulled the sheets back up around you and rolled your own body to the side so you were face to face once again. Pulling her tightly against your body, you whispered, "I love you, Alex."

She mumbled a sleepy, "I love you too," before passing out, your bodies pressed together as one, soft breaths being emitted into the air in between you while you watched her sleep, still wrapping your head around the fact that your blonde angel was with here with you and had no intention of ever leaving again.

 **xxxx**

 **A/N 3: Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think. The quote in the beginning is taken from the song** _ **You and Me**_ **by You+Me. The excerpt of the book Olivia is reading is taken from Terry Pratchett's Discworld novel** _ **Wyrd Sisters**_ **. I highly recommend reading his work. He was an amazing writer.**

 **I hope you like it. I apologize again for the delay and for any mistakes. It's not proofread because I wanted to get it out to you guys.**

 **Special thanks go to Diane Neal for being awesome and posting on Twitter that she stuck a chopstick in Donald Trump's hair.  
**

 **Reviews are love.**

 **Until next time, my darling readers.**


	5. Chapter 5: Safety

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Yada, yada, yada. Dick Wolf is God.**

 **A/N 1: A quick interlude that would not leave me alone. This one is set a little later in the day of where chapter 4 ended.**

 **xxxx**

Chapter 5: Safety

" _I will be the answer at the end of the line. I will be there for you while you take the time. In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground. I will hold the balance if you can't look down."_

You had been awake for a while, just staring at the blonde angel lying next to you, listening to her soft breaths, still unable to believe your luck. Alexandra Cabot was yours and yours alone.

In the far distance you heard your landline ringing, but it was not loud enough to actually wake Alex, so you let your answering machine do its job.

 _Hi, this is Olivia Benson. I'm not home right now but my answering machine is. You know the drill, so wait for the beep._

Straining your ears to listen, you heard how a woman from a bank you had never heard of wanted to talk to you about a new credit card they had, so you lay your head back onto the soft pillows of your bed, wrapping your arm more tightly around your lover. You kissed Alex's shoulder lightly, brushing your nose against the creamy skin of her arm, snuggling deeper into her side.

It had started to rain again and as you lay there, you listened to heavy drops hitting your window and the streets outside. Alex and you had spent the remainder of the morning making love, taking naps in between, starting the next round right after waking up.

Hearing your stomach give a loud, disapproving rumble, you smiled to yourself, thinking that you would probably have to eat something and soon. You let your mind wander, flashes of that very morning invading your mind again, making you shudder. You were sore, but in a very good way, in a _we are horny teenagers who cannot keep their hands off of each other_ kind of way.

Your thought process was interrupted by many things at once. A loud bang could be heard from a car backfiring outside and Alex jolted awake in bed, throwing you off of her, taking in sharp breaths, looking around frantically, her whole body shaking with anxiety.

 _Oh, fuck… Do something, Benson!_

You kneeled upright in bed, moving away from her, positioning your body diagonally across from her in a safe distance, making sure she could see you without feeling threatened in case she was caught in her flashback and did not know where she was.

"Al… It's me, Olivia. Can you hear me?"

No answer. Just frantic movements of her head before she scooted up to the headboard and pressed herself against it, pulling the sheets around her body, sheltering herself from the world, eyes shut tightly.

"Al, I need you to listen to my voice. It was just a car backfiring. Just listen to my voice and try to take a deep breath for me, okay?"

She rocked herself, mumbling something you could not make out immediately. Moving your head toward her, but not daring to get any closer, you turned your head so you could hear her better, "No, no, no… This is not real. Olivia's not here. You just want her to be because you want to feel safe. She's not here."

Feeling a pang in your chest and tears gather in your eyes, you tried to pull yourself together for her sake.

"Alex… I'm here… Can you hear me? I'm here."

You could not seem to get through to her, her rocking never ceasing. Contemplating if you should try to slowly approach her, you tried once more, "Alex… It's Olivia. We're in my apartment. You came over yesterday evening. We ate dinner and watched a movie together. Do you remember? I'm here…"

You tentatively crawled toward her on the bed, stopping about two feet in front of her and sat Indian style, determined to coach her back to reality. She shook her head as if your voice was just an annoying hum in her ear and she tried to shake it off.

"Al… I love you, Baby. Please come back to me."

You did not know what it was that made her look at you and not through you, but she did, her sight becoming clearer, drifting back to reality. When your gazes locked, you slowly reached out in front of you, laying your hands onto the bed between you, your palms facing upwards, signaling her that you were there whenever she was ready.

Looking like she was not really convinced yet, she let her fingertips trace your palms before taking both your hands into her own, feeling you, "Liv…"

Tears brimmed beautiful blue eyes and she sobbed, "God, Liv… I'm sorry."

Slowly but surely, you moved toward her and wrapped your arm around her shoulder. When she did not flinch, you gathered her in your arms and brought both your bodies down onto the bed, soothing her, rocking her gently.

"Shhh, Baby. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here. You're safe. Shhh… You'll always be safe here. Breathe with me."

You held her as she cried, one hand stroking her back, the other clutching her hip and drawing tiny circles like you always did when she was upset about something.

"Try to breathe with me, Baby. That's it. Deep breaths."

You felt her breathing adapting to yours until you were breathing in sync, her heart-wrenching sobs having turned into tiny sniffles. Her head on your shoulder, her nose in your hair, you knew that she was back with you when she placed a tiny kiss to your neck.

You turned your head and kissed her forehead, holding her just a little bit tighter against you, hearing her mumble, "I'm sorry, Liv. I meant to tell you."

You shook your head lightly, "It's okay, Baby. PTSD is quite a normal occurrence after what you've been through."

Chuckling softly, she pinched your side, making you let out a surprised squeak. "You don't have to explain PTSD to me, Detective. Remember?"

Even considering the situation, you let out a giggle, "I do remember, Ms. Badass Assistant District Attorney Cabot. I'm sorry."

"Excuse me, but it's Ms. Badass Bureau Chief Cabot now." The laughter was evident in her voice and you joined in.

"Not yet, smartass. Starting Monday."

"Ouch, that hurt. You win."

Alexandra Cabot never admitted to losing, so you gladly took it. After your chuckles had subsided, you fell back into a comfortable silence, both of your hands still stroking her bare flesh, when suddenly you heard her whisper, "I was thinking about calling Huang on Monday to ask him if I could see him every now and then."

You squeezed her, showing her that you were listening, "That's a start. He is good. I know all about how good he is."

She pushed herself up and turned her body into you lightly so she was half on top of you, her chin resting on your upper chest, "Does it bother you that I want to see Huang?"

You frowned confusedly, not knowing what she was talking about, "Of course not. Why do you ask?"

Lightly shaking her head, she answered, "I was just asking because you are seeing him, too. Especially because we all worked together at one point."

You smiled softly down at her and saw blue eyes lighten up at your smile, "It doesn't bother me, Baby. Call Huang and see if he can work on this with you. That's perfectly fine."

She nodded, reaching up to brush your hair out of your face, "I like your hair when it's longer."

Feeling your cheeks heat up at the compliment, you bit your lip, "Thank you, Baby. I had to get used to it because I had short hair for years."

Smirking, she said, "I like it. Gives me something to hold on to." Your eyes widened at her boldness and she laughed heartily, making your heart flutter, before adding, "CHEESE ALERT! But to me, you will always be the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on."

You beamed, happy that she had recovered from her flashback, "Now I know you are lying."

"Never." Giggling, she leaned up and pressed her lips to yours and you flipped her over playfully. Struggling, you rolled around on the bed, tickling each other, laughing, happy to be together again.

Falling back onto the bed just moments later, breathing heavily from laughing, you took your time to come back down. Taking her hand with yours, you intertwined your fingers before placing your joined hands on your belly.

Your rumbling stomach cut through the silence once more, followed by hers right after, making you break out into a fit of giggles again.

"I think we're hungry," she mused, patting her stomach gently.

Your cheeky _No shit, Sherlock_ earned you a slap on the arm and she pushed herself up from the bed, throwing on your sweats and tank from earlier, before darting to the door, "Whoever makes it to the living room first wins and is rewarded with the honor of choosing what's for dinner," she sing-songed.

"Hey! That's cheating," you called after her before jumping up and running butt naked out of the bedroom.

 **xxxx**

 **Thank you for reading. Two chapters in two days. I know… Overachiever much? :)**

 **The quote is taken from the song _Answer_ by Sarah McLachlan.**

 **No smut in this one, but I hope you liked it anyway.**

 **Reviews are love. Until next time.**


	6. Chapter 6: Jealousy

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf does not own anything. I do. Just kidding. Some of the dialogue is taken from the episode 4x06,** _ **Angels**_ **. Not mine either.**

 **A/N 1: Thank you again for all the reviews. They keep me going. :) You might want to google the episode for better understanding if you haven't done so already. :)**

 **Flashbacks and thoughts are in italics. Happy reading!**

 **Chapter 6: Jealousy**

" _Now they're going to bed and my stomach is sick. And it's all in my head, but she's touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now. Let me go because I just can't look. It's killing me and taking control. Jealousy…"_

You were staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror, angrily brushing your teeth, and fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall.

In your fight against a pedophile ring, you had tried to get a hold of Alex that evening, needing an order of removal for Dr. Stewart Lynch's three adoptive sons. However, you had not expected what came next. At all.

xxxx

 _Sitting at your desk, you dialed Alex's mobile number, waiting for her to pick up. She finally did after the umpteenth ring, "Liv!"_

" _Alex, where are you at? We need an order of removal for Lynch's sons ASAP."_

" _On what grounds?"_

 _You sighed heavily, "Please Alex. It's urgent. Can you come in?"_

" _Now is not a good time, Olivia. If it's that urgent, come to Le Bernardin on 155 West 51_ _st_ _Street. That's where I am. We can go over what you have and decide then."_

 _Your stomach dropped at this piece of information, but you kept your voice as steady as possible, "O-Okay. See you then."_

" _Bye Liv," came her husky voice from the other end of the line before you disconnected the call._

 _Getting up from the chair, you grabbed your coat from the backrest, giving Elliot a look, "Cabot is at Le Bernardin. Hot date I suppose. She told me that we can meet her there."_

 _You hated how Alex's last name sounded out of your mouth, but you could not help it. You had to keep your distance, had to stay professional. Otherwise you would just start crying in the middle of the squad room. Your feelings for ADA Alexandra Cabot had gotten way out of hand in the last couple of months. You had made it through the Cavanaugh case without getting too close to her and it was killing you inside every day how much you loved this woman. Your feelings combined with your attraction to her were slowly driving you insane._

 _Elliot sensed your inner turmoil and was at your side immediately, his hand on the small of your back, "You okay, Liv? Can you do this?"_

 _All you could do was nod your head and set your body into motion toward the elevators, not keen on interrupting Alex's dinner, because you really did not want to know whom she was dating._

xxxx

You rinsed your mouth and put the toothbrush and the cup down a little more forcefully than necessary, before washing your face. You stripped off your clothes, throwing everything into the hamper, and walked back into your bedroom naked. Pulling the duvet back, you got your sleep wear and put it on, a tank top and hot pants, before turning to the closet to get woolen socks to shield your feet against the chill.

After getting a beer and the take-out you had ordered from the kitchen, you flopped down onto the couch, turning on the TV, searching for something you could watch without questioning your sanity. You groaned at a new episode of _The Simpsons_ and changed the channel, finally settling on _Everwood_.

 _God bless mindless TV…_

xxxx

 _You entered Le Bernardin, immediately feeling out of place in your dress pants, sweater, and coat, the soft piano music playing in the background annoying you already. You scanned the restaurant, Elliot doing the same, sensing that everyone's eyes were on you, giving you a once over, watching your every move. Some gazes zeroed in on your badge, quickly averting when you made your way through the room, having spotted Alex at a table in the back, her dinner companion nowhere in sight. They must have gotten up and left for somewhere when they had seen you enter._

 _Your mouth had gone dry the second you had laid eyes on her, the blonde wearing a beautiful red strappy dress that showed just enough cleavage, her hair falling below her shoulders in loose curls, contacts in for the evening, and you were sure that under the table her long legs ended in killer heels._

 _Both of you sat down across from her and Elliot saved you the trouble of saying hello, "We are sorry to interrupt Alex, but we found out that there was a whole lot of phone activity between Jansen, Lynch, and Damon the night Jansen was murdered. Lynch is part of this. We have to stop him."_

 _He handed Alex a stack of papers while your eyes were peeled to the table cloth, from time to time shifting to the filled red wine glasses on the table while Alex shuffled through the papers, intently reading._

 _After a couple of minutes, the blonde sighed, "All we have are two phone calls? That's not enough." She handed you the stack of papers now, trying to make eye-contact, but your eyes stayed on the wine glass in front of you._

 _Elliot interjected, sparing you the conversation, "We checked. Lynch's three kids are all boys. God knows what he's doing to them right now."_

 _Cocking her head, Alex asked, "Are they all legally adopted."_

" _We won't know that information until tomorrow morning."_

 _You didn't look up, elbows on the table, fingers intertwined, scratching your eyebrow with your right thumb. On the one hand, you were intently hoping that you did not have to participate in the ongoing conversation. On the other end, however, you kicked yourself internally for being so unprofessional. Lost in your thoughts, you were just about able to realize that Alex was addressing you, "Does he keep them locked up like Jansen does?"_

 _Shaking your head, you briefly looked into her deep, ocean blue eyes before averting your gaze once more, "No, all three of the boys go to public schools."_

" _Are there any complaints of abuse?"_

 _You really had to accept the fact that you were part of this conversation now, "None to ACS or the local precinct."_

 _Your partner tried to rescue you again, "Look, we already have Lynch on failing to report José's abuse…"_

 _Suddenly you felt a presence behind you, a rich, deep voice confirming that feeling a second later, "An A misdemeanor? With no priors I'd argue a fine and no jail time."_

 _Having heard that voice before, you whipped your head around, finding no other than slime ball Trevor Langan standing there, a smug smile on his face, making you want to punch him. Your stomach rolled unpleasantly, your throat constricting, and you tried to keep your voice steady, looking between Alex and Elliot, your eyes wide, trying to mask your pain, "Well, I think Alex is dining with the enemy."_

 _The blonde's eyes softened, giving you a calming smile that did not affect you the way she wanted it to. The blonde leaned over the table, your eyes staying peeled on the table cloth, the mantra not to stare at her beautiful cleavage repeating itself in your head._

 _She addressed Langan, "Can you give us two minutes?"_

 _Trevor smiled and you wanted to set his eyebrows on fire. They were too bushy for your taste anyway. "Yeah, the game is on at the bar. Why don't I check that out?"_

 _With that, he smiled sweetly at Alex, giving you and Elliot a nod, before leaving for whatever game was on TV._

 _She desperately tried to connect your eyes, but you would not have any of it. Finally giving up, she sighed, "Look, we take Lynch's kids away from him and we are wrong, a heavy hitter like him is gonna drag us into court and make our lives miserable. Get me some hard evidence."_

 _You handed her the email conversation from Jansen's computer, "Computer Crimes found this buried on Jansen's hard drive."_

 _Tentatively reaching for the papers, she brushed your fingers with hers. When she realized that she was not going to get a reaction from you, she started reading, "'Your special tour to Central America is confirmed. If your friends enjoy, have them get in touch."_

 _You pointed to the paper in her hand, "That is an email from Damon to Jansen right before Jansen's trip two years ago. Now, that sounds like a confirmation letter."_

 _Elliot chimed in, shaking his head, "And that he's soliciting men to travel overseas to rape children. That's a federal crime."_

 _You felt her eyes on you, looking at you longingly, but you were focusing on Elliot, kicking his shin under the table because he was desperately trying not to laugh at Alex and you. The blonde interrupted your silent exchange, "Let's catch him in the act."_

 _You both nodded, Elliot getting up first, pulling your chair back for you, causing you to roll your eyes at him. You knew what he was doing and you were thankful. Not only was he your partner, but also your best friend who knew exactly what you needed in that moment. So you were thankful for many things. That he was there with you, that you had his support in almost every situation, and that you had managed to explain to his lovely wife Kathy that you did not want to sleep with her husband because you were very much in love with someone else, who was also a woman._

 _You gathered the papers you brought before turning to Alex, "Sorry for interrupting your date."_

 _She shook her head, her eyes trying to convey something, but you were not sure what exactly it was, "Liv –"_

" _Have a good evening, Alex."_

 _With that, you turned around and walked past Elliot who followed you out of the restaurant and to the car. You threw him the key, signaling that you did not want to drive. Getting in on the passenger side, you closed the door and leaned your head against the cool surface of the window. Your partner just drove for a while and when it was time to settle on a direction, he broke the silence, "You know, there is a nice guest room in our house. We could have a couple of beers and dinner before going to bed and then we could drive to work together in the morning."_

 _Your lips twitched at the invitation, but you declined, "That's sweet, El… but I don't think that I'm up for company tonight. No offense."_

" _That's alright, Liv," he smiled before turning right instead of left to get you to your apartment._

 _When the car came to a stop and you loosened your seat belt, Elliot turned to you, "Want me to pick you up in the morning?"_

" _I'm fine, El. You come over from Queens. You don't have to make that detour. So no, thank you. See you tomorrow. Bright and early, just how we both like it."_

 _You smirked at each other and you exited the vehicle, watching how the car wriggled away from the curb into the New York evening traffic and off to Queens._

xxxx

You sipped your beer, hating yourself for having brushed your teeth first, making the beverage taste like cow pee. Staring at Emily VanCamp without really seeing, you were thankful for Elliot once again. Sometimes he could be an asshat and you would bump heads, but most of the time he was an amazing partner and friend. Once you had convinced Kathy that you did not have any intentions of stealing her husband, it had gotten even better. You spent hours and hours after work with Elliot, Kathy, and their children, oftentimes sleeping over in their guest room.

You grinned to yourself as you thought of Kathy cornering you in the squad room one day, going off like a firecracker.

xxxx

" _What are you doing Olivia? Do you think I'm stupid?"_

 _You must have looked very confused at her outburst because her voice was dripping with sarcasm, "Oh, come on. Drop the act. Do you make it a habit of pursuing married men?"_

 _The penny finally dropped and you pressed your lips together in an attempt not to laugh and disrespect your partner's wife, but of course she saw it, infuriating her even more, "Oh, you think that's funny?"_

" _Kathy, I have no intentions of sleeping with Elliot."_

 _The blonde snorted, "Yeah, right! Isn't that what they all say?"_

" _Well, with me… it's true…" You were not sure if you actually wanted to tell this very Catholic woman that you were in love with Alex. Elliot had just known from the very beginning because you had not been able to stop drooling when the ADA had entered the squad room for the first time._

" _Oh, because you're so noble and righteous?"_

" _No, Kathy… because I'm in love with someone else." Right in that moment you heard the clicking of heels coming toward you and Alex entered, her blue orbs locking onto your own brown ones immediately, exchanging a smile. You could not help but longingly follow her with your eyes until she disappeared in Cragen's office. Shaking your head to snap out of it, you looked back at Elliot's wife who was now staring at you with wide eyes, her mouth opening in a silent 'Oh!'._

 _You swallowed thickly, preparing yourself for the worst. However, the worst never came, "Oh God, I am so sorry."_

" _It's okay. Really. No harm done."_

 _You looked at each other for a moment before starting to giggle hysterically, those giggles soon becoming loud cackles._

" _Well, you two seem to be having fun," an amused voice interrupted your giggling fit. Elliot walked toward the two of you, handing you a coffee before kissing his wife hello, "Hi Baby."_

 _Kathy smiled, "Hi, El."_

 _The blonde turned back to you, Elliot's arm wrapped around her shoulders, "Hey, Olivia… Why don't you come over for dinner tonight after work? Elliot can bring you with him and you can stay in our guest room if you like."_

 _Beaming, you nodded, "Thanks, Kathy. I would love to."_

 _Faint clicking of heels could be heard again, a door opened, and by the way the tiny hairs on the back of your neck stood at attention, you knew it was Alex. Turning around, you stared after her, watching her leave the squad room on her way to the elevators._

" _Close your mouth, Benson."_

 _You turned toward your partner and punched his shoulder, he and Kathy laughing at you and your dilemma of loving Alexandra Cabot._

" _You can't blame her, El. This woman is a flipping bombshell."_

 _You whipped your head around, playfully glaring at your partner's wife, pointing your finger at her, "Careful there, Missus. I saw her first!"_

 _All three of you laughed until you cried._

xxxx

Your musings were disturbed by the doorbell ringing, but all you did was turn the volume of the TV up, ignoring the very persistent and annoying sound. You did not even ask yourself who might be downstairs waiting in the cold for you to open the door. It could not be Elliot; he had just sent you a picture of his dinner and to be honest, you felt a little food envy. At the thought of food your stomach gave a loud rumble, making you reach for your take-out.

You started eating, happy that whoever had been at the door seemed to have gotten the hint and gone away. Enjoying a very delicious dinner of Spaghetti ai Frutti di Mare, you tried to not let your mind wander to the things that Alex and Trevor were doing at the moment.

Your heart had been hurting ever since you got off the phone with the blonde, but Trevor Langan of all people? That was just too much to bear.

After having finished dinner, you cleaned up the living room and switched off the TV before brushing your teeth once more. Flopping down onto your bed, you pulled up the sheets, tossing and turning all night until it was time to get up again.

xxxx

Shuffling into the precinct the next morning, barely able to open your eyes, you saw Elliot was already there along with Munch and Fin, as well as donuts and coffee for everyone.

"Good morning, Sunshine!" Munch exclaimed, spreading his arms dramatically to welcome you. Grunting, you fell limply into your desk chair, taking a coffee and a donut for yourself, enjoying both in silence.

John deflated, "I guess she still isn't a morning person."

Fin grinned, "Nah… leave her alone, old man. Cabot had a date yesterday."

You shot daggers at your fellow detectives, munching away on your donut, trying not to shoot anyone. You were not sure if you wanted to punch a wall or if you just wanted to break down and cry. However, both were not an option.

You grumbled and felt the need to bang your head against a solid surface when you heard familiar heels walking toward the squad room. You would know that sound everywhere. It was Alex.

You heard her rounding the corner, coming to a halt next to your desk, "Olivia, we need to talk."

"Please, Alex. Let me at least finish my coffee."

" _Now_ , Detective!"

With that, she stalked through the room toward the cribs and slammed the door behind her.

Elliot's shoulders were shaking with laughter and the others joined him.

Cursing internally, you got up and dragged yourself up the stairs, following Alex. Elliot's _Go get her, Tiger!,_ Fin's cat calls, and Munch's whipping sounds made you crumple your to-go cup and throw it in their general direction, hitting Fin square in the face.

xxxx

Closing the door of the cribs behind you, you saw her sitting on one of the bunks, fingers intertwined, elbows on her knees. She stood up when you entered, her 5'10" frame straightening, her heels giving her a couple of inches on you.

"What's the matter, Alex? What can't we discuss in the squad room?"

"Olivia, about last night –"

You cut her off, "It's none of my business. If you want to go on a date with Langan it's your decision. He probably is a nice guy outside the courtroom."

She smiled down at you, "Yes, he really is."

Your stomach dropped and you felt like it was going to turn every moment. You wanted to throw up. Clenching your jaw and plastering a smile on your face, you answered, "That's good. I'm happy for you. Both of you."

Confusion filled her eyes and you could practically see the wheels turning in her head. Confusion turned into realization and she smiled.

"It's not what you think, Liv."

"You don't have to explain anything to me. You're my friend and I want you to be happy. If Langan makes you happy that's wonderful. Who am I to judge? I have only ever known him as the slime ball of an attorney he is."

"Liv –"

"And you obviously like each other very much. So no… you don't have to explain anything to me. We work together and are friends. Langan should not get in the way because I don't like him. I am perfectly capable of drawing a line between my professional and private life as you may have noticed –"

Her forefinger on your lips stopped your ramble and you pulled back rather quickly. You could feel your lips tingle where she had touched you, the sensation spreading through your whole body.

"I have known Trevor since we were in high school. We also went to law school together. I have known him half my life and he has a very lovely girlfriend and they have a daughter. Last night was a dinner with my best friend. Nothing more."

"Oh…" You looked to the ground, embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed."

"Why didn't you open the door last night? I could see the flickering of the TV through the window."

 _Lie, Benson. LIE!_

"I must have fallen asleep. I'm sorry."

She nodded, trying to get you to look at her.

"I was there to explain that it wasn't a date. You seemed pretty distant and I wanted to make sure you weren't mad at me."

You sighed heavily, internally praying for strength. She was so, so close. "Like I said, there's nothing to explain. You can date whomever you want to date, right? I gotta go. The guys probably have an update on the adoption papers of Lynch's sons."

You turned around and marched to the door. You had to get the hell out of there before you did something stupid. You grabbed the door handle and turned it, effectively pulling the door open. Alex, however, had come up behind you and placed her hand on the door, preventing you from opening it further, and slamming it shut again. She wrapped her arm around your waist from behind and pressed her front against your back. You could feel her warm breath against your right ear, making you shudder and your body flush instantly.

"What if I want to date you?"

You had to remind yourself to breathe because you were starting to feel dizzy from holding your breath for too long. "W-What?" you stuttered out, making her turn you around to face her.

"I said what if I want to date you? That's why I came to your house last night. I wanted to explain because we have been dancing around each other for far too long. I was planning on asking you out, but you didn't open that goddamn door."

You just stared at her blankly, her words not having sunk quite in yet. "You… you… uuuuh, want to date me?"

Grinning, she nodded her head.

"O-Okay. Uuuh," you swallowed hard, "uuuh…"

She tilted your head up and pressed a chaste kiss to your lips, "Tomorrow night. I'll make the reservations. Pick me up at eight."

Stepping around you, she was out the door before you could say anything, her words slowly sinking in and settling in your midsection, a warmth circulating through your whole body, making butterflies flutter in your belly and a huge smile spread across your face.

 _Alexandra Cabot just asked you out on a date._ _Alexandra Cabot just kissed you. On the mouth._

Still dazed, you brought your fingers to your lips, trying to remember the feel. If this is what a brush of Alex's lips felt like, you could only imagine... Snapping out of your haze, you did a happy dance before pulling yourself together and making your way back into the squad room with a huge grin on your face. Alex was casually perched on your desk with a coffee in her hand. Blue eyes sparkled when you approached her, a creamy white hand holding another cup out for you. You leaned back against your desk next to her, waiting for your morning meeting, very unsuccessfully trying to contain your smile at the sight of the matching grins on your fellow detectives' faces.

xxxx

 **A/N 2: Thank you for reading. I originally planned for chapter six to deal with the Cavanaugh case, but I watched this episode yesterday and this idea just flowed beautifully. :) And yes, I changed one sentence in chapter one to make this teeny-tiny kiss and the timeline plausible. ;)**

 **Sorry for any mistakes or typos. The quote is taken from the song _Mr. Brightside_ by The Killers.**

 **Let me know what you think. Reviews are love. ;)**


	7. Chapter 7: Possessive

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Dick Wolf does. Yada, yada, yada. Some of the dialogue is taken from the episode 11x13,** _ **P.C.**_ **Not mine either.**

 **A/N 1: I know I promised you a Sam Cavanaugh chapter, but it's just not flowing as well as I want it to. Sorry about that. This episode, however, I found hilaaaarious. So the decision was an easy one. :)**

 **A/N 2: In my world, Alex and Olivia are engaged in this episode which you might want to do a little research on in case you are not familiar with its plot. :) I bent the plot and dialogue a little to my liking, but you're already used to that when reading my work. :) Thoughts and flashbacks are in italics. On with the show! Happy reading!**

xxxx

Chapter 7: Possessive

" _Loving you is easy cause you're beautiful. Making love with you is all I wanna do. Loving you is more than just a dream come true and everything that I do is out of loving you. Cause loving you has made my life so beautiful and every day my life is filled with loving you."_

"Liv, it's nothing. Really," Elliot said, trying to pull away each time you tried to dab the wound on his eyebrow where Sharon Harris had punched him.

You chuckled, "Would you please hold steady? Jeez!"

Hearing your fiancé's heels click and enter the squad room, her amused voice followed right after, "What happened to _him_?"

Laughing, Fin interjected, "Technical term? Punched by a chick."

Pointing his finger at Fin, Elliot shot back, "Ha-ha! You're laughing now, friend. Wait until I get a confession out of her."

Your eyes met Alex's when she walked past you, smiling softly, and she let her hand brush your lower back before perching herself on the side of your desk next to your partner.

Finishing up dabbing his wound, you said, "There! All done."

He winked, "Thanks, Liv."

Alex turned to Elliot, raising a questioning and teasing eyebrow at him, "Hold on. A suspect assaults a police officer and charges get filed…"

"I'm _fine_ ," your partner insisted and you had to suppress your grin.

Alex, of course, noticed and went on, "Would you be saying that if it was a 200-pound man who slugged you?"

Sliding off your desk, your partner replied, "Well, next time one does, I'll let you know."

With that, he turned around and marched toward the interview room where you held Sharon Harris. Almost halfway there, the metaphorical lightbulb seemed to go on over his head and he turned his head, realizing that he had forgotten to take you with him. Your eyebrow was raised at him and he laughed. "You comin' Liv?"

"Yeah, just a second. I have to use the bathroom. I'll just jump in."

Nodding, he continued his way to out of the squad room. Turning toward your soon-to-be wife, you smiled, "What brings you here, my love?"

Her palms on your desk, she cocked her head to the side and gave you a cocky little Alex Cabot smile, "Well… I wanted to take my fiancé out to lunch. Have you seen her somewhere, Detective?"

You couldn't stop the grin from forming on your face, "Hmm… I think I saw her somewhere down the hall in the _Bite Me_ department."

Playfully baring her teeth at you, she meowed and purred, making you smile even more broadly, "I'm sorry, Baby. I have to do that interview with Sharon Harris, but how about dinner tonight? You and me? Wine? A movie?"

"Mmmm, that sounds divine. However, what I really want to do right now is kiss you." She waggled her eyebrows and you laughed, but before you could answer her, her gaze drifted off to somewhere behind you. Looking over your shoulder, you saw Elliot return and Alex beamed, "That was quick. She didn't punch you again, did she?"

You snorted, quickly covering your mouth with your hand, and heard your partner shoot back, "You know, some women just don't wanna talk man to man. She says she will only talk to you, Liv."

"STABLER !"

 _Oh, no._

Elliot must have had the same thought because he turned to Alex, raising his eyebrows, jerking his head in the direction the voice came from, "I wish _she'd_ refuse to talk to me."

"Look, you pig-headed son-of-a-bitch, you can't just drag an innocent w–" Babs Duffy's rant came to a screeching halt when she saw Alex, the redhead staring at your fiancé before giving her a once over, " _Hi_ , Babs Duffy."

Taking Babs' outstretched hand, Alex shook it, her manners impeccable as always, "Alex Cabot. Nice to meet you." She briefly looked at you before trying to excuse herself, "I will leave you guys alone."

Babs answered more quickly than you would have liked, "Oh, you don't have to."

You clenched your jaw and your partner swooped in, obviously sensing your mood change, "No, you want to say something? Let's do it in the box."

With that, Elliot led Babs away, leaving you with your fiancé. However, all you could do was stare, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, between Elliot's and Babs' retreating forms and Alex, who looked rather worried, "Baby?"

Shaking your head to snap out of it, you swallowed hard, "Did she just… _hit_ on you?"

The blonde bit her lip, "Uuh, I think so?"

All you could do was nod, because you were so distracted by the green-eyed monster roaring its disapproval in your midsection.

"I'm sorry, Liv."

You smiled softly, trying to suppress the urge to go after Babs and punch her in the face, "It's okay, Baby. It's not your fault. I just feel like going all Sharon Harris on Babs Duffy's sorry ass."

Chuckling, she took your hand, intertwining your fingers, "So… are we okay?"

You squeezed her hand, "Of course, my sweet. You don't even have to ask. So, I will see you after work? Dinner, wine, and a movie? You and me?"

"Of course. I can't wait," she beamed.

"Neither can I, my Baby," you smiled and blew her a kiss before making your way over to the interview room to deal with the victim's girlfriend.

xxxx

Later that night, you were sitting on the couch in the Captain's office, not sure what you were doing there in the first place. Tears were streaming down your cheeks uncontrollably, your desperate sniffles filling the room, because Babs Duffy had kissed you earlier that afternoon and you did not know how to tell Alex.

xxxx

 _You were in Babs' apartment as her protective detail after she had been threatened by the rapist, trying to get her to calm down. She was constantly fidgeting, running around in the living room and open kitchen area. When she tried to open the blinds, you were just in time able to pull her back, your tone reprimanding, "Just try to relax. Away from the window,_ please _!"_

 _Rolling her eyes at you, she shot back, "That's just it. I never relax. I've always got to be doing something. Planning, picketing, or marching."_

 _Shaking your head at her, you buried your hands in your pockets, "Why don't you take this opportunity to have a moment alone? Try to get your head together?"_

" _Because I don't do alone very well. I don't like sitting here while this prick is out there attacking my sisters."_

 _You tried to get her to not worry, telling her that Elliot would catch the guy, but Babs' always had a snarky retort to everything, "Well, he has the hots for you, you know?"_

 _You were confused, "Excuse me?"_

 _She scoffed, "Stabler."_

 _You were amused by that statement, so you scoffed back, shaking your head, "No! That's never gonna happen." Turning around, you took a closer look at the pictures decorating her wall, "So… you've been on the front line for a long time…"_

 _Feeling her presence next to you, she pointed at one of the photos, "Marched through tear gas for that rally. There was a three-day sit in. That's why this feels so weird for me. I should be out there, kicking people's asses. Not in here, hiding. Feeling…"_

" _Scared?"_

 _Tears gathered in her eyes and she closed them to keep them at bay, "Petrified."_

 _Trying to reassure her, you put your hand onto her shoulder like you had done so many times before when dealing with victims, "I know that it's hard, but you're going to get through this."_

 _Managing a sad smile, she asked, "You promise? 'Cause I don't do this every day. Not like you do."_

 _Your lips twitched, "I promise. Okay? Come on, let's get you something to eat, okay?"_

 _It happened so fast that you did not have time to react. Turning you around and cupping your cheek, she pressed her lips to yours, asking for entrance with her tongue. Pulling away as quickly as your reflexes allowed you to, you shoved her away from you and reprimanded her, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's not on the menu!"_

 _She looked puzzled, "Is it me?"_

 _You heaved a deep sigh, "No! No, it's me. Babs… I'm flattered… but I'm also engaged."_

 _She scoffed again, making you ask yourself if she had even heard anything you had just said, "Oh really? Come on!"_

" _Yes, really," you shot back, very determined to get your point across by holding your left hand up for her to see your platinum engagement ring, the round cut diamond sparkling in the daylight._

" _It's the hot blonde who was with you at the precinct this morning, isn't it? Alex Cabot?"_

 _Her mentioning your beautiful fiancé made a smile spread across your face. "Yes, that's her. We've been in love with each other for ten years, together for five, if you count the complications and interruption caused by her being in witness protection, it's been eight years. She is really amazing."_

 _Feeling a blush creeping up your neck, you gave Babs another smile, which she returned, "Damn, Benson. You're such a sap. But if you ever decide that Alex is not for you, you know where I live."_

 _You raised your eyebrows, "That is as likely to happen as Elliot and I sleeping together. Zero percent chance. Sorry."_

 _Your conversation was interrupted by a knock at the door, "Benson, it's Delgado!"_

 _Turning back around to Babs, you filled her in, "That's my shift change. Babs, you hang in there, okay? I'm going to check in on you tomorrow."_

 _She smiled, "Okay. Goodnight."_

 _Nodding, you turned around and fled the apartment as fast as you could, your mind on Alex, guilt eating away at you. You could still feel the unwelcome touch of Babs' lips against your own and it made you feel disgusting._

 _The young uni waiting outside was a little too bubbly for your taste as she asked, "How is it going, Olivia?"_

" _If I were you, I'd stay outside," you answered curtly before hurrying down the hallway and to the car, a wave of nausea hitting you at the thought of maybe losing Alex._

xxxx

A strangled sob left your mouth and you had to bury your face in your hands to muffle those that followed. You did not hear the door open and close, only noticing a presence in the room with you when the sofa dipped next to you, a hand drawing tiny circles on the small of your back.

"Liv? What happened?"

You flinched when you noticed it was Alex, jumping up as if you had been stung, starting to pace the room. Feeling her gentle gaze on you, you kept your eyes firmly on the ground, trying to keep your head together. You had to tell her, but you did not know how. How did you tell your fiancé that you had kissed another woman? Or that another woman had kissed you and you just let it happen? Staring at the floor, you had not noticed her getting up and you nearly ran into her. Looking fixedly at both of your shoes, you started fiddling with your fingers, a fresh wave of tears pouring from your eyes.

She put two fingers under your chin and tilted your head up, deep, ocean blue orbs boring into yours, and she whispered, "Talk to me, Baby. Please!"

Cupping your cheeks with her hands, she wiped your tears away with her thumbs, her gentleness making you choke on your words. Closing your eyes to took a deep breath, preparing yourself for just getting it out, "Babs kissed me."

Her mouth fell open, her forehead creasing into a frown, "Excuse me?"

"Babs Duffy kissed me. Please, Baby! I didn't want it and as soon as I realized what was happening I pushed her away. Please! _Please_ , don't leave me."

"Oh, Baby," she breathed, wrapping you in a tight embrace, rocking you in her arms, "I would never leave you for something like that. I know you would never do anything to hurt me."

You whimpered, burying your nose in her hair, breathing deeply.

"Shhh, my Baby. We're okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Shhh, we're okay. I'm just furious with Duffy. What makes her think she can just touch my woman without even asking?"

"I'm so, so sorry."

Gently tugging on your hair to get you to look at her, Alex once again wiped your tears away, this time pulling you close to kiss you. Slowly, gently, and when your tongues met, dancing to their own music, you could not help but whimper into her mouth.

Breaking the kiss, she pressed your foreheads together. You were still dazed from the kiss and slowly blinked, your body coming back to reality gradually. "I love you more than anything," you whispered, looking deeply into ocean blue eyes.

Her lips curled into a small smile, "I love you too, Olivia. Forever."

Pulling her forward, you hugged her, breathing in her redolence once again. Your peace was disturbed by Elliot entering the room.

"I'm so sorry for interrupting, you two, but it seems like our perp was shot while trying to enter Babs' apartment. We have to go, Liv."

Loosening your grip around her waist, you kissed her once more, "I'm sorry, my love. Are you sure we're okay?"

She cupped your cheek again, smiling, "I'm positive. Go get him, Tiger."

You placed a tiny kiss into her palm, squeezing her hand, before letting it go and following your partner to the car.

xxxx

When you entered the penthouse you shared with Alex later that night, she was waiting for you on your huge, L-shaped couch, a bottle of wine already opened, a divine smell hitting your nostrils.

Seeing you, she got up and walked toward you in her hot pants and tank top, making you swallow hard. She was so, so beautiful. You just could not put into words how breathtaking she was. She came to a halt in front of you, taking your purse and keys, setting both items aside before helping you out your leather coat, hanging it on the rack beside her.

"Hi, my sweetest," she chuckled as you stared, leaning over to softly kiss you on the lips. "Why don't you take a nice, relaxing shower and throw on something comfortable to wear while I finish dinner?"

All you could do was nod and ogle her as she turned around and walked back into the living room, because damn… those legs… and that ass… and–

 _Oh, my God! Pull your mind out of the gutter, Benson. Pervert!_

The flirtatious smile she threw over her shoulder did not really help you in your predicament, so you hurried away to take a shower.

xxxx

Long, skilled fingers were massaging your scalp, ridding you of the stress of that day. Sighing contentedly, you tightened your hold on her and you tried to relax into her embrace. You brushed your nose along her neck, breathing in her scent, letting it wash over you yet again. However, your go-to trick did not work properly this time. There was still a ball of anxiety settled firmly in your stomach, your throat tight with impending tears.

Feeling her lips against your forehead, you heard her whisper, "What is it, my Baby?"

Blinking, you sent tears streaming down your cheeks, and you sniffled, "I am so sorry. I didn't want her to kiss me."

She turned onto her side so she was facing you on the couch, scooting even closer to you, her left arm serving as your pillow, her right hand stroking your back and up between your shoulder blades, "Oh, my sweet girl. I love you so much. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for."

"But I am," you sobbed pathetically, furiously wiping your cheeks to dry your tears.

Leaning over, she kissed your cheeks, her lips wandering over your forehead and down to your nose, before she pressed them softly to yours, a gentle exploration of lips and tongues ensuing, before she broke the kiss and pulled you back into her arms. "I know you are, Baby. That's who you are and that's just one of the many reasons I love you. Your kindness, your big, caring heart… but it was not your fault. She kissed you and I can't guarantee that I won't have her ass the next time I see her. But you, my love, are not to blame. I need you to understand that and I need you to stop feeling bad."

"I will try. It's just… I can still feel her lips on mine, slobbering all over me, unwanted."

"Hm… maybe we can do something about that…"

The mischievous sparkle in her eyes made you smile, "Oh, yeah?"

Nodding, she tilted her head forward and reconnected your lips, her tongue once again gently slipping inside your mouth. You met her halfway and she rolled you over as hands began to wander and clothes were shed, the sounds of your lovemaking soon filling the room.

xxxx

Standing on stage at the rally the next day, you scanned the crowd for a man with a spider tattoo on his right hand. You heard Fin and Elliot say that they had not spotted your perp yet, but he was there. You knew it. You felt it. You had an unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach, as if he was watching.

So you kept looking around until you saw him; the guy from the print shop locking eyes with someone. Following his line of sight, you saw it was Elliot he was looking at. At the same time, there was a commotion in the crowd, your partner and Fin starting toward the perp when Elliot said, "It's him. It's the guy from the print shop. Liv, stay with Babs! Fin, it's the guy with the beard in the blue smock!"

Holding your forefinger to your ear piece, you confirmed, "Understood. Go, get him!"

From there, everything went quite quickly. Ronnie Watley made a run for it, Elliot yelled for him to stop, and when he didn't, Fin threw him to the ground and handcuffed him.

xxxx

Alex and you were watching through the glass window how Elliot was interviewing Ronnie. You were just thinking about how your partner was not getting anywhere when your fiancé verbalized these exact thoughts, "Why isn't he nailing him?"

Glancing over to her, smiling, you still tried to give Elliot a chance to get him, "Baby, Elliot is just getting started. Give him a moment."

Nodding, she answered, "I will, but Baby, with no DNA or victim ID, I need Watley to spill his guts on Stabler's shoes and we are a hell of a long way from that happening."

Still watching Elliot, a sudden idea popped up in your head and you grinned, making her frown at you, confused, "What is it?"

Pecking her on the cheek, you beamed, "I have an idea that just might speed up the process."

With that, you bounded into the squad room, looking for Detective Vance… Vaughn… or whatever her last name was to borrow her leather jacket. After that, you stopped at your desk to get one of the LesBeStrong pins that Babs Duffy had forced on you, fumbling to get it to stick to your black blouse. You threw the leather jacket on and made your way back into the observation room. Alex turned around at the sound of the door and her eyes immediately darkened when she saw you, pupils dilating, perfect white front teeth biting a plush, pink lower lip, while her eyes were roaming your body.

Looking down at your attire, you had to laugh at the ridiculousness of this situation, "God, I look like the number one cliché lesbian, don't I?"

Pressing her lips together, she replied, "Well, yes… But I also think that you look incredibly hot like this."

You watched her pulse thump in her neck, "Mmmmm, yeah?"

"Yeah…" Her voice was hoarse and she had to clear her throat.

You sauntered toward her and snaked your arm around her waist, pulling her flush against your body. She weakly tried to push you away and chastised you, "No funny business, Olivia."

Your lips were just millimeters apart and all your professionalism was out the window in an instant, "Are you wet for me, Baby?" you whispered, your lips brushing hers featherlightly as you spoke.

Swallowing again, she blushed furiously and nodded.

"Mmmm," you purred, pulling her into a deep, but slow kiss, "What do you want me to do to you?"

"Liv," she whined, "We are at work."

"What do you want me to do to you?" you repeated and she turned a couple of shades redder. You found her shyness endearing, especially because you knew she was everything but shy when it came to voicing what she wanted. Letting your lips trail the column of her neck, you wandered up to her ear, breathing deliberately so your breath would hit it, and you whispered "Do you want me to fuck you?"

Her hands were in your hair and she pulled you back, " _I_ want to fuck _you_! Hard and fast, making you scream my name over and over again until we are both spent."

In that moment, your self-control left the building and joined your professionalism outside. You knew that you shouldn't, but you could not help yourself. So you crashed your lips together once more, making you both whimper, tongues searching, breathing deepening, your hands wandering down to her backside–

"It's nice to see how very invested you two are in nailing Watley!"

Alex and you jumped apart like teenagers, mortified when you saw that it was your Captain who had interrupted you.

"Oh my God," you mumbled, hiding your face in your hands.

"He isn't here to help you, Olivia. Get your ass in there and nail him to the wall if you want to keep your job."

Still tightly wound from feeling your fiancé against you, walking funny from the wetness that had been pooling between your legs, you stalked in the direction of the interview room, pushing the door open forcefully, "Hi, boys. Mind if I play?"

You locked eyes with Elliot and the tiny sparkle in his eyes was enough for you to know that he would play along, "Detective Benson, I don't think you should be in here."

Your attitude firmly in place, you straightened your posture even more, "Well, I don't need to know what _you_ think."

Looking meaningfully at Ronnie, your partner shot back, "Detective, I think it's too personal for you to be in here."

Winking at Elliot for Watley to see, you smiled, "Big girls don't cry, Stabler. Come on. Just let me talk to him."

Walking past you and to the door, Elliot's lips were firmly pressed together and he had to force himself not to laugh. You could see it in the way his Adam's apple was bouncing and his shoulders were shaking with suppressed laughter.

When the door clicked behind you, you started ridding yourself of the leather jacket. This was going to be a piece of cake. You could see it in the way he was looking at you. He tried not to show it, but he was disgusted and there were tiny pearls of sweat building on his forehead and upper lip.

"So… remember me?" you asked smugly, throwing the jacket across the room and onto the table, the sound of leather smacking against wood echoing through the room quite prominently, making Watley flinch.

 _You little shit! Only tough when you can torment someone who is weaker than you._

He looked up at you like a scared little puppy, "Yeah, you were on stage today."

Smirking, you sing-songed, "Uh-oh. That makes me one of them, right? You must feel sick to your stomach, having someone like me so close to you."

He swallowed hard, and you knew the next words he said would be a lie, "I don't care."

"Oh, Ronnie. If I was straight, it wouldn't freak you out," you chuckled to yourself, putting on an act for him that he would never forget, "Of course, if I was straight, I wouldn't be anywhere near you."

You picked up the chair from opposite Ronnie, walking around the table with it, and slammed it down right next to him, making him flinch once again.

Plopping down, you leaned over, "'Cause that's your problem, isn't it, Ronnie? Huh? Don't get a lot of girlie action."

He whipped his head around, appalled, embarrassed, "That's none of your business!"

 _Got you where it hurts there, didn't I?_

So you decided to badger him a little more, "Well, come on! I mean, you're not very attractive. You've got a crap job, stuck in that hot shop all day down there, printing up signs and invitations for other people's fun. And where you are, that's lesbian parties, lesbian weddings, lesbian blowouts… every single weekend at Kitty Corner, isn't that right? It's like everyone in your little world is out there having a great time, getting laid, except for you."

His breaths had become a little deeper, signaling you that you were pushing him in the right direction. His voice had a slight quiver to it, "Okay, you need to shut up now."

You leaned closer and closer to him when you said the next words, "Is that how it started? Huh? Did you make a move on one of us and we blew you off? Because it's bad enough that straight girls look right through you. And now, your hood is full of lesbians and we're ignoring you, too."

Watley jumped up. He was agitated as he walked over to the window, "Just get away from me." He leaned with his back against the wall there and you got up. You were about to nail him. His back was against the wall literally and metaphorically.

So you ignored his wishes and stepped right in front of him, "So you sit down there in your shop and you seethe. And maybe screw up one of their names like you did with Babs just to piss the bitch off."

"No, that was a mistake," he yelled.

 _Just a little more now…_

You nodded, "Yeah, a mistake. Just like all us lesbians are a mistake. Except the good news is, you know how to correct us."

He was sweating, also literally and metaphorically, his voice even weaker, "You're wrong."

"But you want to make me right, don't you, Ronnie? Correct a bitch like me. Grab me off of my feet, throw me onto that table, and bend me all the way over, because you've got everything you need to make me a real woman right between your legs."

His stare hardened, letting you know that he was about to let you see his true self. Without warning, he grabbed your hand and connected it with his crotch, making you feel the hardness in his jeans, as he whispered, "And you'd love it. Just like those other two did. _Every_ moment of it."

A smug smirk spread across your face and you leaned in as if you wanted to kiss him, lowering your voice, "Goodbye, Ronnie."

With that, you turned around, grabbed the jacket on the table and marched out of the room hearing him scream after you what a bitch you are.

Stepping back into the observation room, you closed the door and saw that Elliot, Cragen, and Alex were waiting for you.

Your eyes locked onto your fiancé's blue orbs, smiling softly at seeing the carnality, the fire, the pure lust in them, "There you go, Counselor. A confession. Now, excuse me… I'm in desperate need of washing my hands. That was disgusting."

You all laughed, walking into the squad room, and you made your way to the bathroom to wash the dirty feeling away.

When you returned, the Captain was waiting for you outside his office.

 _Here we go. Ass-chewing round one._

"Benson! My office!"

You looked at Alex in passing, signaling that she could stay where she was, conveying that you would handle things with your boss.

Stepping inside his office, you closed the door and waited for him to start the conversation.

And he did, "You did a great job, Liv."

Your eyes glued to the floor, you answered, "Thanks, Captain. Listen… uh… About what you walked in on–"

"You can save it! You did a good job today and I trust that it was the first time something like that happened at the precinct. If I ever, _ever_ , see something like that again, I will transfer you. I'm not opposed to a kiss here and there, to little touches or looks. But a make-out session outside the interview room, right before you're going in? _Really_ , Olivia?"

"I'm sorry, Captain. It won't happen again. That was unprofessional and inappropriate."

"I know that you know and I admire you that you can keep it professional most of the time. Alex is alluring, gorgeous, charming… she's downright hot. But keep it PG-13 in the future. At least at work."

You nodded and were about to leave the office, but you turned back around, "Excuse me, Captain? Did you just say that you think my fiancé is hot?"

Laughing, he threw his pen at you and you hurried out of his office before it could hit you.

xxxx

Sitting at your desk later that night, you wrapped up the paperwork. Elliot was sitting across from you, Alex was sitting in the chair next to your desk, reading a file. You supposed that she was prepping for court the next morning so you left her to it.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw a figure enter the squad room, making you look up. It was Babs who addressed all of you, "You got him."

Elliot turned around in his chair, smiling, pointing at you, " _She_ got him. One hell of a performance. I think…"

Raising one eyebrow at him, you both got up, as did Alex, and Babs added, "Well, thank you. From all of us."

Having noticed that your fiancé was fuming, you placed your hand on the small of her back and started drawing tiny circles with your fore and middle fingers, "So, Babs… are you still speaking for the community?"

The redhead did not miss the gesture and smiled, "Really about a tenth of them, but LesBeStrong will be back. I'm opening the membership to include everyone. Making it a real LGBTQIA organization. Well, and just so you know… Larry is not an ally. Apparently, getting shot kind of soured him on me."

Elliot grinned cheekily, "Bullet in the ass will do that."

You grinned back at him before returning your attention to Babs, your hand on Alex's back never ceasing its movement. The redhead looked at you, begrudgingly, "I'm sorry about the awkward "lunch" yesterday," she mumbled before chuckling, "You are incredibly hot, though."

Alex tensed up and you smiled at the redhead, the circles on Alex's back becoming a little bigger, as you were using your whole palm now, "No worries, Babs. I'm sure we'll be seeing you around."

Your partner chimed in, "Every time we turn on the TV."

Rolling her eyes, Babs finally turned to him, "Okay, I guess I do owe you an apology. I was pretty bitchy to you."

He winked, "Right back at you."

"Speaking of apologies," the redhead continued and looked at Alex, "Miss Cabot, I would like to apologize to you as well. It wasn't my intention to disrespect you."

Your fiancé eyed the other woman warily before nodding, "Apology accepted, but if your lips come anywhere near my fiancé ever again, I will end your sorry life. I hope that this is understood."

The redhead had the decency to look embarrassed and nodded again, "Understood. I am very sorry. You got a feisty one there, Benson," she winked.

With that, she turned around and walked toward the exit, but stopped abruptly, "Oh, and Stabler?"

Elliot turned around and Babs grabbed his tie, pulling him toward her, and kissed him on the lips, "Call me sometime." Patting his chest, she left a stunned Elliot behind and you had to stop yourself from laughing, because this woman was just unbelievable.

xxxx

Turning your key in the lock, you opened the door to your shared penthouse, letting Alex and yourself in, before closing it again and locking up for the night.

You barely had time to rid yourself of your purse and coat before your fiancé pushed you back and against the door, pressing herself against you, and covering your mouth with hers. You whimpered as her wet tongue entered and you met her halfway, as she untucked your blouse and swiftly pulled it over your head, resuming your passionate liplock right after. Letting her lips travel across your cheek and down your neck, she did not lose any time and pushed your bra cups up, cupping your left breast while taking the other one into her mouth, letting her tongue swirl around your already hardened nipple.

Your head fell back against the door with a thud, your fingers tangling in her hair, "Oh God, Baby. Like that…"

Pinching your left nipple, she started suckling on the right one, her left hand gliding up your back to unclasp your bra. Fumbling to free your arms of the straps, you let it fall to the floor. Her hands trailed south, popping button after button of your jeans open while you kicked off your boots.

She pulled your pants and panties down in one swift motion and you needed to feel her as well. Tugging at her clothes, you started off with her cardigan and moved on to her blouse, the pile of clothes on the floor growing, until you were both naked.

Her perfect, pink nipples were standing at attention and you had to get a taste. So you leaned forward to envelop one of them with your mouth, but she pulled you back by your hair before pressing her naked body fully into yours, overheated flesh meeting overheated flesh. Her eyes were boring into your own and shallow breaths were leaving her mouth, hitting your lips.

"You're mine!"

Swallowing hard at hearing her raspy voice, you nodded, her possessive side leaving you both turned on and speechless.

"Say it, Olivia!"

"I'm yours, Alex. Yours alone."

Her lips curled into a sly smile and she leaned in, her plushness brushing yours, your breasts pressed together.

"Mine!" she growled before kissing you hungrily, her tongue invading your mouth instantly. She hoisted your left leg up and wrapped it around her waist.

"I want to fuck you, Baby. Can I fuck you?"

"Oh my God," you whimpered, your head falling onto her shoulder, but she grabbed your hair once more, pulling your head back.

"I want you to look at me. Look at me while I fuck you."

All you could do was bob your head in a weak yes, biting your lip at the thought of what was about to come.

Her fingers found your wetness, stroking you languidly, teasing you. Another desperate whimper left your mouth, echoing through the hallway and your whole body jumped when her fingers grazed your clit.

"Yes?" she asked, a mischievous sparkle in her eyes and you knew that she was challenging you.

" _Please_ , Baby. I _need_ you."

"Mmmmm," she purred, "Is that so?"

Wailing, you bit your lower lip again, moving your hips lightly to increase the friction. "Yes, Baby. Please!"

"Please what?" she breathed against your mouth, your eyes still connected, her fingers not doing anything to satiate your need just yet, "Say it!"

"Fuck me! Please!"

Hearing your words, she crashed your lips together once more, her tongue slipping inside at the same time you felt two of her slender fingers enter you, making you cry out in pleasure.

Breaking the kiss, she pulled away to look at you, her thrusts slow but forceful, her palm hitting your clit perfectly each time.

"Oh, fuck… Baby… yes," you breathed, your hips pushing down onto her fingers to increase the friction, your whole body tingling. Her left arm held your thigh around her waist, stabilizing you, when she started to curl her fingers to hit your spot. Your knees buckled, but she pressed you harder against the door to hold you upright.

Pulling her closer so your lips were touching, you panted, your eyes never leaving hers. Deep pools of blue were staring back at you, love shining through the carnality of the moment. She connected your lips briefly before her lips trailed to your breasts once more, taking your left nipple into her mouth and sucking. Throwing your head back, you groaned, your fingers tangling in silky flaxen locks.

Your naked backside hit the door with each of your thrusts, naked skin slapping against wood, while your fiancé gave you such pleasure, making you feel the warm euphoria in your toes.

"Oh, fuck… Baby. Fuck, fuck, fuck…. Uuuuugh, so close. Make me come!"

She let your nipple go with a pop, your eyes reconnecting, both of you needing this form of contact while she picked up her pace, driving you closer and closer to the edge.

Your walls clamped down onto her fingers and she felt it, hoarsely whispering against your lips, "That's it, my Baby. Come for me."

The first wave hit you with force, your face contorting in pleasure as you reached your peak, your head falling forward as you sank your teeth into the alabaster skin of her shoulder, biting down hard.

Hearing her hiss, you clawed her back to find leverage, riding out every wave of your climax on her fingers, your loud moans gradually turning into soft whimpers. She let go of your thigh, gently lowering it until your foot was placed on the floor, wrapping her left arm around your waist to pull you close. You were still a little shaky, your body covered in perspiration, your head tucked into the crook of her neck.

When your breathing had evened out, you raised your head, reconnecting your lips with Alex's, lazily kissing her, sighing in contentment. You parted, your eyes wandering over her skin, stopping at her shoulder. Brushing your lips softly against the purple bruise you had left, you whispered, "I'm sorry, Baby. Does it hurt?"

Stroking your back, you felt her breath against your ear, "It's a good kind of hurt. Don't worry about it. I love it when you let yourself go. That doesn't happen very often."

Chuckling, she kissed your earlobe softly and added, "And there is a chance of me getting revenge."

You laughed, kissing your way up her neck, letting your tongue linger here and there, "Oh yeah?"

Leaning her head back to give you better access, she closed her eyes and bit her lower lip, and you could feel her pulse thump in her neck beneath your lips. "Yeah," she breathed, her breath hitching as your lips trailed over her neck.

With a devious smile you turned her around in your arms, her back connecting with your front, your lips still on her neck, wandering up to her ear, "Now what?" you sing-songed, biting her earlobe, daring her.

She struggled to turn back around, but your grip on her was firm. You pressed tiny kisses to her shoulders and down her spine before licking back up, feeling her shiver in your arms, melting into your touch.

Your hands tickled her abdomen up to her breasts, gently cupping them, squeezing lightly every now and then, intermittently brushing her nipples with the pads of your fingers. She moaned and let her head fall back onto your shoulder, her hands dancing over your forearms.

With your left hand staying on her breast, your right wandered down, lightly fingering her wetness, making her gasp and her hips jerk against your hand.

"Mmmm," you purred into her ear, "So wet, Baby."

"Just for you. Always for you."

Your fingers easily glided through her folds, gathering the wetness there, before stroking up to her clit. Starting with tiny circles and the lightest pressure, Alex trembled in your arms,

her body primed from pleasuring you before, her hips trying to pick up a rhythm to satiate her need.

Her right hand came up so she could bury her fingers in your hair, her head turning, her nose and lips brushing your cheek, light puffs of air hitting your skin because she had started panting.

Increasing the pressure, you let the circles become tighter, faster, her hips adjusting to the new rhythm, her breaths short, "Oh, God… Baby… yes!"

She turned your head so you could face her and pulled you into a sloppy kiss, tongues searching, teeth clashing. Tightening your hold on her, you broke the kiss to watch her fly over the edge. Darkened, cerulean pools were staring straight back at you, pink, plush lips opened as she continued panting, moving her hips against your nimble fingers, but now she could barely keep her eyes open.

Hooded lids were struggling, her thighs were twitching, both indicators for her impending release, and you rasped, "Come for me, Baby. Let me watch you."

Her whole body started shaking and her hips jerked, wave after wave washing over her, your massaging fingers helping her to ride out her intense pleasure while your noses and lips were brushing, eyes still connected.

Breathing raggedly, she leaned over and softly kissed you and when you parted, she whispered, "I love you."

Your breath caught in your throat and you choked out, "I love you, too."

When you removed your hand she shuddered and groaned, making you smile, "Mmmm, do you want more, my Baby?"

When she nodded, you turned her around in your arms with lightning speed, pushing her back against the wall, "What do you need?"

"You know what I need," she breathed against your lips, her arms wrapping around your neck, tugging your hair gently.

"Mmmmm, I do?"

Biting her lip, she smiled, "Yes, you do."

You brushed your noses together before hoisting her up, her legs wrapping around your waist automatically, and you grinned, "Yeah, I guess I do."

Leaning down, you took her right nipple into your mouth, sucking gently before biting her lightly. She arched her back, hands still buried in your hair as she groaned in pleasure, her nipple pebbling even more with arousal.

Your tongue traveled up the valley between her breasts, tasting the salty skin there, before trailing up her neck, reconnecting your eyes. Your right hand wandered between her legs, her inner thighs covered in excitement from her earlier release, making you gasp. You stroked along her slit two, three times, before easing two fingers into wet heat, her moan long, low, and sexy.

Just like her, you started out with slow, but hard thrusts, letting your palm hit her clit, watching her face along the way, awe-struck at how stunningly beautiful she truly was. Wrapping your left arm around her, you cupped one of her ass cheeks, squeezing, helping her move against your hand.

You could still feel the aftermath of your own release, your knees weak from being pleasured so thoroughly, your thighs burning from holding up both, her and your weight. So you had to make her come and soon. You focused on her sweet spot now, your fingers curling at a rapid pace and her head fell back against the wall with a dull thud, her lips were parted as she was panting, deep, low moans filling the air between you two intermittently.

Perspiration covered both of your bodies as you felt her thighs tremble for the second time that night, her release close. Her walls tightened around your fingers, fluttering, and she whimpered, "Oh fuck, yes. Baby, Baby, Baby. Fuck! Fuuuuuuuuu-"

Her cursing was followed by a primal sound ripping from her throat and all you could do was stare as she rode out her pleasure, her hips thrusting down onto your digits until the last aftershocks had subsided.

Slowly pulling out of her, you wrapped your other arm around her as well, carrying her spent body into the bedroom, leaving your clothes haphazardly scattered across the room. You lay her down on the bed, wrapping her in the sheets, before climbing in next to her, skin pressed against skin, your faces inches apart. Feeling her breath against your lips before she kissed you, you sighed into her mouth, your tongues lingering for a moment before you pulled apart, snuggling deeper into the covers.

"Mmmmm, that was amazing," she whispered. "I love you, Olivia."

"I love you too, Baby."

Kissing her nose, you let your hand rest between her shoulder blades, stroking the soft skin there, when she mumbled, "My big, bad, butch fiancé."

Your loud cackles were echoing through the bedroom, your shoulders shaking, despite the fatigue you were feeling, "Well, we both know that I'm the man in this relationship."

Giggling at your inside joke and at the ridiculousness of that very common prejudice, you pulled her closer, brushing your noses together once more, "I love you so much, Alex."

"I love you too."

Her voice was raspy and you knew that she was falling asleep, her breathing soon evening out until tiny snores left her mouth.

You pulled her closer, your nose tucked into her silky hair, her scent washing over you, and lulling you to sleep as well, content, being pressed against the woman you loved more than life itself.

 **xxxx**

 **A/N 3: Thank you SO much for reading and for all the reviews… the favorites… the alerts… You have no idea how much they mean to me and how much they keep me going. Sorry I haven't been updating regularly. I've just been distracted by Rolivia and so, so swamped with my master's thesis. It's taking a lot out of me and I have been kind of all over the place with my scattered and frazzled mind. ;)**

 **However, I wanted to get this out to you before next week, when my girl in crime will take me on a beach vacation to my second home Italy to get my mind off of things (isn't she the best?) and before the end of this month, when I will first be in Texas and Florida… and then… wait for it … *** **drum roll** *** in New York City (can you believe it ?) on an extended business trip. I am SOOOO excited. :)**

 **Anyway, sorry for the ramble. The quote is taken from the song** _ **Lovin' You**_ **by Minnie Riperton. Reviews are love. Until next time, my lovelies. :)**


	8. Chapter 8: Trying

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Dick Wolf does. Some of the dialogue is taken from the episode 3x18, "Guilt". Not mine either.**

 **A/N 1: I'm back, my lovelies! I've been swamped at work because of the business trip in the last couple of weeks and at the moment, my colleague is on vacation, so I've had a lot to do and didn't get to write much. Thank you very much for your support. This chapter deals with the Cavanaugh case. Alex and Liv are not together yet and for those of you, who don't know the episode, you maybe want to research what happened for better understanding. :)**

 **I bent the plot a little, but I also included a lot of the episode in this chapter. I apologize if it is too much, but I wanted to show Alex's hurt and heartbreak through Olivia's eyes (I might mix things up a little and start writing third-person chapters for this one. Let me know what you think.). Happy reading. :)**

 **xxxx**

 **Chapter 8: Trying**

"' _Cause trying not to love you only goes so far. And trying not to need you is tearing me apart. Can't see the silver lining from down here on the floor. And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for. 'Cause trying not to love you only makes me love you more."_

Standing next to Munch at the train station, fiddling with a map of New York City, pretending to be very much touristy and immersed in all of New York's attractions, you never took your eyes off of Roy Barnett and Sam Cavanaugh.

You watched as Barnett cupped Sam's cheek, his smile encouraging, and you were sure he was trying to soothe the boy in front of him. It made you want to vomit. You saw them move and started walking so as not to lose sight of them. Barnett and Sam stopped again and you saw Fin moving past them. The boy looked a little too nervous for your taste and you had a feeling that he would blow your cover.

Suddenly Barnett bolted and you heard Cragen's voice in your ear piece, "Pick him up! Pick him up!"

 _Ugh, Benson. You and your damn gut feelings._

You sprinted after him and so did everyone else, trying to get in Barnett's way. He elbowed Elliot in the face, the impact making your partner fall backwards, and you pushed your way through the crowd to get to him. Barnett was almost through the door when you spotted Fin who gave you a sign that he got him. Your fellow detective went through the side door and when you arrived outside, Fin and Elliot were already there, handcuffing the bastard.

A familiar scent hit your nostrils and you turned around, seeing Alex right behind you with Cragen and Munch. As the scene unfolded, you turned to the Captain, confused, "What the hell just happened?"

"The kid warned him," came Cragen's gruff answer.

Meanwhile, Sam Cavanaugh had found refuge in his mother's arms who kept whispering, "It's okay. You did good."

Your gaze found ocean blue orbs looking back at you and you asked, "But we've got something, right?" Alex averted her gaze and you knew the answer to your question, "Really? After all that, he had to say something that we can nail him on."

She looked back at you, defeated, "Not enough."

With that, she turned on her heel and walked away, shoulders slumped, eyes glued to the concrete beneath her feet.

xxxx

Later that day, you sat in the interview room with Elliot, Barnett, and his smug sleaze ball of a defense attorney, Roger Kressler. Knowing the blonde was on the other side of the glass window, you wanted and needed to give Alex something. Something she could nail that bastard on, but Roy Barnett was just as slimy as Kressler. What a perfect match!

xxxx

After having gotten absolutely nothing from Barnett, you asked Huang in Cragen's presence if he could talk to Sam once again to tell him that it was not his fault and that it was normal that he felt the need to protect Barnett, regardless of what the man had done to him. The psychologist strongly advised against it because Sam might see Huang talking to him as an accusation of being gay.

So Alex stepped forward, saying that she would give it a try. Walking in the direction of the interview room with her, you had to fight the urge to put your hand on the small of her back. Cursing and berating yourself in your head for being unprofessional, you leaned your shoulder against the wall outside of the interview room, watching Alex sit down through the window, waiting for Sam to be brought in.

He looked frustrated with himself, as though he felt responsible for the situation. Mumbling a _hi_ , he flopped down onto the chair, shoulders deflated, waiting for Alex's reprimand that was not going to come.

"Hey Sam," Alex's tone was light, friendly even, as she tried to get access to the boy's thoughts and mind, "What we asked you to do was a very difficult thing. I am sorry you had to go through it. I want you to know, right now, nobody blames you for telling him. Alright?"

Sam smiled, huffing out, "Well, I don't believe you."

Leaning forward, the blonde asked, "Why?"

"Because I wrecked the whole thing. I _know_ you're mad!"

Alex shook her head, "Not at you. I understand why you wouldn't want to get Barnett in trouble. There's nothing wrong with that."

 _Oh no, Alex. Wrong answer._

The boy immediately perked up, "Wrong with _what_?"

You predicted that this conversation was not going to end well. You felt it. Damn gut feeling!

 _Please don't go there, Alex._

However, Alex did, "Caring about what happens to him. Even if you don't want to. Sam, what Roy Barnett did to you was never your fault. He chose you because you were young and he could control you. When you decide you want to be with someone, whoever that person is, it will be your choice."

Seeing the boy's reaction, you knew it would blow up. It was done. Frowning, Sam stated weakly, "I'm not a fag."

This statement made Alex stop in her tracks. She had not yet picked up on the fact that Sam was going to explode if she did not change the subject, "I'm not saying–"

"I have a _girlfriend_!" His voice had become firmer.

The blonde nodded, "Okay…"

It sounded more like a question and that was when you knew it was over. Sam banged his fist on the table, jumping up from his chair, making the blonde flinch, and he thundered, "I'm not a _fag_! I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

He stormed out of the room and past you, in the direction of the squad room. You heard Alex call his name, but to no avail. So she got up and went after him, your eyes locking briefly as she followed Sam. You made your way to the others and saw Sam frantically telling his mother that he wanted to go home, the older woman trying to soothe him.

"Mrs. Cavanaugh, I'm sorry."

When Sam's mother heard Alex's voice, her fiery eyes were on the blonde immediately, "You said it would be okay. You said nothing would go wrong."

The deep voice of your captain interrupted her rant, "Nothing went wrong. We still have him in custody."

However, Mrs. Cavanaugh was not satisfied with his answer, "The only reason I came to you was because I didn't know what else to do. He didn't want to call the police."

Huang interjected and you were sure that would only make matters worse, "You did the right thing. With Sam's help we could put Barnett away for a long time."

"We tried to help you. It didn't work."

Once again, Huang tried to calm her rage, "Please, we've already come this far."

"No! I'm not gonna put him through this again. We're done."

You saw Alex's face fall, a look of shock crossing her face. She had just lost her most important witness for Barnett's trial and stared after Sam and his mom leaving the squad room, her mouth open, her eyes wide.

Cragen sighed audibly, "Where's Barnett now?"

That was when you felt like you should be part of the conversation too, even if they would most probably not like the news, so you said, "He's processing. He'll be out on bail by tomorrow afternoon."

Your captain nodded, "Which means we've got until then to build a case against him without Sam Cavanaugh. Any chance on finding other victims?"

Munch waved the papers he was holding, "Barnett's parole included mandatory therapy which he allegedly attended. I wonder what dirty little secrets he shared with that shrink."

"Track down the therapist. What else?" Cragen turned to the rest of you again, but all you could look at was Alex. She stared into space, defeated, but surely working on a plan to nail Barnett's ass to the wall in her head.

You could feel Elliot's gaze on you. When he realized that you were ignoring him and not coming forward with the suggestion you had made to him earlier, he did it for you, "Gotta get into his apartment. Guys like these, they're collectors. So photos, videos, something to prove Sam's story."

Cragen cocked his head to the side, "Alex, I assume we have cause for a warrant?"

The blonde snapped out of her daze, "Plenty. You'll have it by the time you get there."

You felt that something was off and you wanted nothing more than to hug her, but all you could do was watch her leave.

xxxx

Later that day, you were going through Barnett's massive porn collection, when Elliot came marching out of the bedroom, "So much for being a collector. This guy doesn't keep anything about his victims."

You turned around to face him, parts of Barnett's movie collection still in your hand, "Well, he collects every single porno ever made though. All hetero, all adult."

There was nothing incriminating in Roy Barnett's apartment. It was every teenage boy's dream though with its sport items, video games, porn, and wide screen TV. So all you could do is give the hard drive to TARU and see what they could or could not find.

xxxx

You were standing next to Elliot and Alex in Morales' office, not believing what he was telling you, "The hard drive consists mostly of porn, but as you already suspected, there was nothing incriminating on it. He has this really fancy cleaning software and I am not sure if I could find something even if I had the time and the money to try."

Rubbing your hands across your face, you snapped, "So you've got nothing!"

You felt a hand on your shoulder, instantly calming you, and you knew it was Alex, "It's not a waste if we nail him. I will go to the Cavanaughs' and try to get his mother to convince Sam to testify."

She gave your shoulder another squeeze, tracing it lightly with her fingers before she left, leaving you to stare after her yet again.

xxxx

Sitting at your desk, waiting for the Grand Jury hearing to be over, you tried to get your paperwork done. Alex had convinced Mrs. Cavanaugh to talk to Sam and in the end, he had agreed to testify.

Now all you could do was wait for Elliot and Alex to get back from the courthouse. You had a hard time concentrating and instead of actually getting work done, you pushed the papers around on your desk, every now and then doodling on a post-it. An amused voice next to you brought you back to the present.

"Why, Detective… Aren't we a Picasso."

Your head whipped around and you blushed furiously at the sight of Alex, desperately trying to hide your heart doodles. That was when you saw the cut on her forehead. Getting up from your chair so quickly you felt dizzy, you reached out to touch her face. When you realized what you were doing, you quickly changed directions and instead, you brushed your own hair back, berating yourself in your head.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid. Pull yourself together, Benson._

"What happened, Alex?" you asked, concern lacing your voice.

"I'm fine, Liv. There was an incident at the courthouse."

"What kind of incident?"

You were too busy fuming to see the soft smile on her face at your concern, "Another one of Barnett's victims was there. He snapped when he saw Barnett walking down the hallway and tackled him, pushing him right into me, and I fell. It's just a scratch. I'm fine. Elliot brought him in to make a statement. His name is Tommy Priore."

Balling your hands into fists and clenching your jaw, you pressed out between your teeth, "Where is he?"

"Interview room one."

Spinning on your heel, you marched in the indicated direction, ready to kill the son-of-a-bitch who hurt Alex.

Elliot arrived at the door with you and he must have seen the look on your face because he held you back, "Whoa there, Tiger. Where do you think _you're_ going with that kind of attitude?"

Glaring at him, you hissed, "Why the fuck does Alex have a cut on her forehead?"

Every other person would have flinched at your stare and tone, but not Elliot. Instead, he held you by your upper arms, trying to prevent you from marching into the room and banging Tommy What's-His-Name's head against the edge of the table.

"Let me go, Stabler. I'm going to kill that little bastard. I'm gonna get a confession and have his ass!"

Your partner tightened his grip, "No you're not. He's a victim, Liv. Just like Sam. Do you want Cragen to have your badge and gun?"

Still struggling against him, all you could think about was Alex falling to the ground at the courthouse.

"Olivia, you have to calm down. Otherwise I can't take you in there with me. I will have to ask Fin or Munch to interview Tommy with me. Do you understand?"

Clenching and unclenching your fists, you tightened your jaw once again, but nodded.

"Okay, Liv. Take a couple of deep breaths for me."

So you did just that, breathing in deeply before letting the air out through your mouth in a puff.

"That's it, Liv. So, now… Repeat this action a couple of times before you join me in the interview room."

When he saw you nod once again he loosened his grip on your arms and squeezed them lightly before turning around and making his way into the room, gently closing the door behind him.

When they started talking, you tried to straighten your perspective and see Tommy as a victim. Placing your hands against the wall, you took one, two deep breaths and silently joined the two men in the interview room, sitting down in the chair diagonally from Tommy.

xxxx

"I thought I was over it, but then I saw him on the news when you arrested him. I saw his face and it all came back. I don't even know what I was trying to do."

Elliot must have seen the look on your face that indicated you were about to make a smartass comment, because he took the initiative to ask, "When did it happen?"

Tommy looked at the table, "It started when I was eleven. He coached baseball after school and picked out the special kids for extra practice," he answered, shuddering in disgust at the memory.

"How many were there?" you interjected, trying to keep your tone soft.

"A few."

You nodded, your eyes burning holes into his head and you scratched your right thumb with your right forefinger to release your nervous energy, while at the same time trying to suppress the urge to beat him into a pulp with the chair he was sitting in for hurting Alex.

 _Be professional, Benson. He is a victim._

Tommy continued, "Most of them moved away or stopped going, but I kept going back for five years. That's why I never told anybody. Because eventually, you have to admit it's your choice, you know? I could have stopped it–"

Your partner interrupted him, "Tommy, we don't care if you went back for _ten_ years. The second he touched you he took away your choice."

The young man shook his head, "When I got older he told me to not come over anymore. I thought I had done something wrong. He just kept telling me to bring my friends over. My younger friends. And whose fault is that?"

He was tearing up and you leaned forward, trying to calm him, having switched from protective into detective mode, "Barnett's. He was the adult and you were the child."

Your partner smiled at you before adding, "We are having trouble locating Barnett's other victims. Do you remember any of these boys' names?"

Tommy blinked, "It was a long time ago."

Elliot added, "We really need to talk to them. The more people come forward, the longer he will be in prison."

"And I wanna press charges against Barnett. I'm tired of hiding from this."

Your partner gave you a look and you know what he was saying. Tommy was probably too old.

However, he asked him anyway, "How old are you now?"

"Twenty-seven."

Your eyes met again and you leaned toward Tommy once more, "Uhm, Tommy… Unfortunately, the statute of limitations has already expired. The law says that these crimes have to be reported within five years of you turning eighteen."

All the hope left his eyes and he deflated visibly, "So that's it then? I waited too long? And he just gets away with it?"

You reached for Tommy's arm, squeezing it gently, "I'm sorry, Tommy. I really am. However, if you could try to remember the other boys' names you would help us greatly. Maybe we can track down other victims of Barnett's and get justice for you through them."

After having contemplated your words, Tommy agreed to try. He could not remember full names, but you thought it was enough to nail the bastard's ass to the wall sooner or later.

xxxx

After having left the interview room, the list with the names in hand, you made your way over to the coffee maker. Hearing Alex and the Captain enter, you only made out the last part of their conversation, but you could tell that Alex was furious.

"He is just as bad as his client, hoping the victim is too traumatized to testify. He is lucky I didn't knock his teeth down his throat."

With that, she stalked past you, her frame straightened, throwing her attaché onto your desk, and flopping down into your chair. She heaved a deep, frustrated sigh and raked her fingers through blonde locks. All you could to was stare after her, your mouth hanging open, and you prayed to God that you would not start drooling.

You faintly heard the Captain say, "I'd pay real money to see that."

Shaking your head clear, you finally snapped out of it, making your way over to your desk, waving the list in the air, "Tommy Priore gave us a list of other boys who were possible victims of Barnett's fifteen years ago."

Elliot chimed in, "Mostly partial, nicknames… but we'll track them down." Without looking, he handed you your tea you had forgotten next to the coffee maker because you had been so distracted by Alex's outburst. He was desperately trying to hide his smirk and you sat down on the edge of your desk, your feet dangling in the air. You could see how Alex observed the two of you, your routine and your movements. She did not miss anything. Be it Elliot and you finishing each other's sentences or getting each other coffee and tea. Her eyes never leaving you, she answered, "It'll help us establish a pattern of behavior, but the statute has probably expired on all of them."

You looked back and forth between the others and said, "We are hoping that they'll lead us to other boys. Barnett used to find his other victims through referral from whoever he was molesting at the time."

Cragen stepped in, "Did Sam Cavanaugh ever refer anybody?"

Elliot shook his head, "Never said, but then again, he hasn't been the most forthcoming kid…"

"Oh, I'm meeting him in an hour to go over trial procedure. I'll ask," Alex smiled before getting up and making her way to the door, leaving you to stare after her for the umpteenth time while working this case. Her black suit and blue blouse hugged her in all the right places and you could not help but let your eyes wander, her black heels clicking, your gaze glued to her backside on its way back up. That was until Elliot snapped you out of your daze by nudging your shoulder.

xxxx

You were called in at 1:00 a.m. the next morning, Cragen telling you that Sam Cavanaugh had tried to kill himself.

You sleepily grabbed your clothes, putting them on in the dark before making your way over to the hospital as quickly as you could, calling Elliot on the way.

Rushing into the ER, flashing your badge, you let the nurse fill you in on Sam's condition. Your partner arrived just minutes later, earning a confused look from your end, "How did you make it here from Queens so fast?"

He arched an eyebrow at you, "Police siren?"

Shaking your head, you replied, "Of course. Sorry. We have to call Alex. She would want to know what happened to Sam."

He realized why you were being so frazzled and stopped you, "Do you want me to make the call?"

"No, I'm fine."

xxxx

"Hello?" Alex's angelic, but groggy voice could be heard on the other end of the line after the third ring.

"Hey Alex. It's Olivia. Sam was brought to Mercy. You might want to come in."

"Oh my God," came the immediate reply, the clicking of Alex hanging up following right after.

Twenty minutes later, the blonde attorney stormed into the ER in jeans and sneakers, her hair looking disheveled in its loose bun. She was still the most beautiful woman you had ever seen. Elliot started explaining, "He's still alive. They are working on him now."

"His mom found him. He asphyxiated. Don't know how long he's stopped breathing," you added, seeing how her heart broke by the way her eyes flashed with pain and her shoulders deflated.

Her voice cracked, "How?"

"Aspirin and his anti-depressants," replied Elliot.

Mrs. Cavanaugh decided to step out of her son's room right this very moment. Seeing Alex, she immediately lunged at the blonde. You followed your instincts and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her back into you and stepped in front of her to shield her from Mrs. Cavanaugh who yelled, "Get out! Are you happy now? Is there anything else you wanted to do for him?"

Elliot held Sam's mother back, "Get out! Get out of here!"

You turned to Alex and saw that she was close to crying. So you wrapped your arm around her waist protectively, whispering, "Come on, Al. Let's go."

She started moving as if on autopilot, letting you guide her from the ER into the New York City night. You faintly heard Mrs. Cavanaugh snap at Elliot, "Let go of me! I'm fine!" before the doors closed behind you.

xxxx

After getting back to the precinct, you waited for Cragen to find out what exactly happened to Sam. After walking over to the coffee maker, you fixed coffee for Elliot, Alex, and yourself. You handed them theirs and Elliot was smirking at you, making you roll your eyes, while Alex gave you a small smile of thanks. You got your own coffee and sat down on your desk, propping your feet up on the chair the blonde attorney was sitting on, and languidly sipped the beverage, your mind slowly becoming more alert again.

When Cragen came out of his office his gaze was glued to the papers in his hands, "Okay, here's what the attending told me. Sam suffered from hypoxia due to lack of oxygen, which led to cardiac arrest."

You closed your eyes and all you could breathe out was, "God!"

Cragen continued, "He's on a respirator now. The neurologist said there is some brain activity."

Leaning back in his chair, Elliot stared at your boss, " _Some_? What does that mean? Is he going to wake up?"

When Cragen told you that it was a possibility, but there was no telling how much brain damage was done, you suggested a possible accidental OD.

The longer the discussion went on, the more distant Alex became. She stared off into space and Cragen saw it, "Look, Alex, this kid had problems long before you–"

"I want to know if Barnett had any contact with him. Dump the phones," the blonde interrupted the Captain.

Cragen told her that you already did and that Sam was the one contacting Barnett, but she did not care. Alex was out for blood. She wanted to get Barnett for coercing a witness. When Elliot mentioned the new witness your evidence had let to, Benjamin Tucker, pedophile, the blonde told you to meet her at Sing Sing, got up and walked toward the exit, leaving all of you confused, so your partner asked, "Where are _you_ going?"

Her jaw went slack, "To try and save this case. Barnett's attorney filed a motion to dismiss."

xxxx

Your visit at Sing Sing having been more or less successful, Elliot and you were now on your way to the hospital to try to convince Linda Cavanaugh to let you search her apartment for the tapes Tucker had mentioned.

You leaned your head back against the rest and heaved a deep sigh, making your partner look over, "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Swallowing around the lump in your throat, you tried to keep your voice as steady as possible, "No!"

Elliot arched an eyebrow, "No?"

"No!"

"It might help, though..."

Feeling your jaw tighten, you barked, "Do you have a hearing problem? I said I don't want to talk about this."

Despite your harsh tone, he answered softly, "I'm just worried about you, Liv. There is some serious eye-blazing going on between Alex and you and if you ask me, you should talk to her about it. Instead, you just keep torturing yourself. And her for that matter. Cabot loves you too, you know?"

Whipping your head around, you snapped, " _No_ _one_ asked you, Stabler. So why don't you keep your fucking trap shut and let it go?"

He had the decency to flinch, his eyes on the road, his right hand coming up in a soothing manner, "Okay… Okay. I'm sorry."

xxxx

Back at the precinct after Linda Cavanaugh had told you to shove your search where the sun don't shine, you were sitting on your desk, your feet propped up on your chair once again, watching Alex pace back and forth in front of you, "Did you tell her what we were looking for?"

Elliot took this one, "Well, before or after she started yelling for security?"

The blonde barely let your partner finish before she interjected, "Does it matter? Write her a note and slip it under the door. Leave a message on the answering machine!"

You locked eyes with her, trying to calm her, "Do you really think she cares about helping us make our case?"

" _Make_ her care!"

She was furious, her beautiful blue eyes fiery, burning holes into yours. It made you hot. You swallowed hard, any snarky remarks dying in your throat, leaving you without words, so Elliot swooped in, "Well, we've still got this other victim, Ben Tucker."

He had barely finished his sentence when she shook her head, "Never in a million years. You were sitting right across the table from him, Elliot. Just based on that, do you think he is a good witness?"

Your partner's lips curled into a smug smile.

 _Oh no, El. Don't!_

But it was too late. Elliot's stare was equally as fierce as Alex's, " _Make_ him a good witness."

You knew he was trying to get back at her for snapping at you, protective mode firmly in place, and you did not know if you wanted to be thankful or smack him over the head for disrespecting the blonde, because your protectiveness over her was just as firmly in place as his was over you. Alex's jaw slackened, "I can't make his priors disappear. Besides, that case would never make it past a Grand Jury."

Your partner's smirk grew, "Oh, all of the sudden you just take cases you can win?"

You saw her pursing her lips, about to go in for the kill, "I try the cases I am handed by this squad. You don't like the evidence I've got, find me some more. I can't do _your_ job, too."

Snorting with laughter, Elliot shot back, "You can't do my _what_?"

You wanted to punch him in the face for being so arrogant toward Alex, but he was right this time, so you kept your mouth shut and listened as the Captain added, "Out of line, Alex."

That was when she lost it. You could literally see her break in front of you, her pulse thumping furiously, red blotches creeping up her neck in her growing agitation, "I am _not_ out of line and I don't work for you. _You_ work for _me_ , at _my_ discretion. Your sole purpose in this process is to bring me a case I can prosecute, not one I have to _fix_!"

Your jaw had dropped at her words and tone, ignoring the sudden inappropriate wetness in your panties, because Alex losing her cool just had to be the sexiest thing you had ever witnessed, and you looked between your Captain and Elliot, not wanting to get in the middle of their fight. The silence in the squad room was deafening, some of your fellow detectives having stopped to stare at the scene that was unfolding before them.

That was when Cragen took a deep breath, "Fine. Then you tell us, Counselor, how can we help you put this man away? What would you like us to do?"

His look was stern and he was not wavering. Looking back at Alex, you noticed that she was visibly deflating, all her energy seemingly leaving her body, tears gathering in her eyes, as she responded with a softer tone of voice, "Nothing. You've done all you can."

She turned around, leaving the squad room in the direction of the elevators and you had to fight the urge to run after her, pull her into your arms in a comforting embrace, and never let go, no matter how inappropriate it was.

xxxx

Later that day, your ringtone chimed through the squad room. You sprinted from the copy machine over to your desk, picking up after the third ring, "Benson!"

"Olivia, it's Alex. I need you to meet me at the Cavanaughs' apartment for a search. Bring Stabler."

Right after that you heard a click, signaling that she had hung up. You kept staring at your cell phone for a couple of more seconds, but quickly snapped out of it, yanking your coat from your chair and rushing to the elevators.

You ran into Elliot in the hallway as he exited one of the elevators, "Hey, where were you? We gotta go."

Blue eyes looked back at you, confused, "Coffee. What's up?"

"Cabot called. She wants us to meet her at the Cavanaughs' now."

You always hated the way her last name sounded out of your mouth, but it was something that you had to do. You had to keep your distance at all costs. For the sake of your heart and sanity.

Your partner interrupted your thoughts, "We got a search warrant?"

Shrugging your shoulders, you answered, "She must've called in a big favor."

He handed you your coffee, sipping his own while he eyed you warily. You knew that you looked like hell, your worry about Alex constantly on your mind. The rings under her eyes, her beautiful, porcelain skin even paler than usual, her disheveled appearance. She had barely slept since you had started working this case and neither had you. It was taking its toll on both of you, but you would never show it. You _could_ never show it, because Alexandra Cabot was the love of your life, but she would never be yours.

xxxx

Sitting on the driver's side of the car, hands on the steering wheel casually, you stared straight ahead, steering the car through New York City's slowly moving traffic, Nickelback's _How You Remind Me_ playing on the radio.

Tapping your fingers to the music on the steering wheel, you sang along softly, "This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking…"

Elliot was very quiet in the seat next to you, taking a sip from his coffee every now and then and you contemplated opening up to him. You felt bad for blowing up on him earlier that day, so you decided to just go with it, "Hey, El?"

"Hm?" His soft grunt let you know that he was listening.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier."

Turning his window down to let some air in, he gave you a cheeky smile, "That's perfectly fine, Liv. I understand."

"I don't think it is, El. Okay, I mean. You were trying to help and be there for me and I completely lost it on you."

His blue eyes sparkled, "Oh, you know… you are not the only woman in my life who recently lost it on me. So I'm used to it."

You let out a snort of laughter, turning right onto Lexington, your smile leaving your face again as quickly as it had come, "She can't know, El. Like, _ever_!"

Curious blue pools were looking back at you, concerned, "And why is that, Liv?"

You swallowed hard to gain resolve, closing your eyes when you had to stop at a red light at East 76th Street, the towers of the Waldorf Astoria prominently reaching for the sky above you. "Because, El… It's unprofessional. We work together and she doesn't feel that way about me. I'm sure of that."

He raised his eyebrow at you, pressing his lips together. You knew that he was trying not to laugh at you so as not to hurt your feelings.

"What's so funny Stabler? Another one of your theories that Alex is in love with me?"

Chuckling, he took another sip of his coffee, "She does, Olivia. I'm sure of that. Open your eyes and look behind all of the things you just said."

"Oh, my eyes are _wide_ open."

Rolling his eyes, he shot back, "Would you stop being such a smartass for once and listen to me? I see the way she looks at you and if you were being honest with yourself, you would admit that you see it, too."

You shook your head vehemently, "No, she doesn't feel the same. She's straight and even if she wasn't, it still could never happen because of our jobs."

He huffed, frustrated, "Okay, whatever you say, Liv. If you want to talk, I'm here for you."

You felt your eyes water and you tried to keep your tears at bay, "I just love her so much, El…"

Turning his head, he smiled gently, "I know, Liv. I know…"

"And I hate _you_ , Stabler."

Grinning cheekily, he replied, "I know. That's because I'm right. And I'm awesome."

He pretended to be flipping his hair in a dramatic manner and all you could do was punch his shoulder, because of course he was fucking right.

xxxx

When you pulled over at the Cavanaughs' apartment and got out of the car, Elliot was still teasing you, "Jeez, Liv. I don't have a death wish. I have four kids, for God's sake."

After you had punched him in a car, you had to slam on the breaks because a light had turned red.

"Blaaaah! You're still alive, Stabler. However, if you're not careful you won't be so lucky in two minutes' time, because I will have beaten you to death with my to-go cup."

"Huh, there's a lot of rage there, Benson."

Pressing the elevator button, you grinned, "Oh, you have no idea. The sexual frustration that comes with seeing Alex every day in those skirts…"

"Ew! Just _ew_! TMI, Olivia. I never needed to know that. Like… ever! I'm scarred for life."

When the elevator dinged Elliot and you got on and rode up to the fifth floor. Getting out of the cabin and turning left, you already saw Alex having a heated discussion with Mrs. Cavanaugh.

The brunette was yelling at Alex when you walked down the hallway, "I'd let you talk to him yourself, but he can't speak. He's in a rehabilitation hospital. Know when he's coming home?"

Alex's voice was gentle, "Mrs. Cavanaugh, I am not here to upset you."

" _Never_!"

With that, she tried to slam the door in the blonde's face, but it slammed into Alex's hand instead. The blonde pushed it back open, a loud bang echoing through the hallway as it hit the wall, and you thought that you had never seen anything hotter, because you could not seem to be able to close your mouth.

Elliot did it for you as he poked your chin, raising his eyebrows, while the two of you walked further toward the apartment door and you listened as Alex tried to talk her way into the Cavanaughs' place, "The only reason I'm here is to find evidence against the man who hurt your son. I am more than willing to accept blame for what happened to Sam, but do not let Roy Barnett get away with what he did."

They stared each other down for a couple of seconds before Mrs. Cavanaugh huffed, turned around and walked back into the apartment. Alex turned, sinking back against the door frame, while you caught her around her waist, afraid that her legs would give out. She was way too close. Way! And did her eyes really just dart down to your lips? No, it could not be.

 _Get a grip, Benson._

You took a deep breath before choking out, "Any restrictions on the search warrant?"

Her eyes snapped back up to yours, "Nope. Whatever you can find."

xxxx

Little did you know that Alex did not have a warrant. Nor that you would get an ass chewing deluxe from Cragen for searching the Cavanaughs' place illegally.

Little did you know that Alex would bent the law the way she did so the tapes you found during the search would be admitted in court.

And little did you know at that point that Alex would do everything to save you, your pensions, and your jobs by taking the fall and facing the consequences of her actions alone.

xxxx

You entered O'Malley's, promptly finding Alex sitting at the bar. You made your way over to her, softly saying, so as not to startle her, "Is this seat taken?"

She turned her head toward you, smiling weakly when she realized it was you, "No, it isn't. Have a seat."

You looked intently at her, trying to read her, trying to get some resemblance of what she was feeling at the moment. You had not seen her since she won the case in court, having pissed off Judge Petrovsky in the process.

Ordering a Heineken for yourself and a refill of her whiskey glass for her, you sat down next to her, watching her beautiful frame out of the corner of your eye. She sat stock still, softly thanking the bartender as he slid your drinks toward you across the wooden bar. Giving him a grateful smile you started sipping as she had already done so as well, refraining from proposing a toast.

What would you have toasted to anyway? To justice, even though Sam Cavanaugh would never wake up again from his coma? To pissing Petrovsky off? To Alex's guilt? No, thanks.

"What brings you here, Olivia?"

You had waited for her to start a conversation, not wanting to back her into a corner, so you answered honestly, "You. I thought you might be here and I wanted to be there for you in case you needed someone."

In your peripheral vision you saw her turn her head in your direction, a soft smile grazing her lips. "Thank you," she breathed and you thought you heard tears in her voice, making you turn to your right so you could face her.

There were indeed tears brimming her eyes and you lifted your right hand, resting it on her back, languidly stroking up and down. "You're welcome, Al."

Throwing back her whiskey in two gulps, Alex ordered another refill and you felt her take a deep breath, before starting to speak once again, "I landed myself a month of unpaid suspension. Donnelly ripped me a new one."

"I'm so sorry," you said softly, the movement of your hand on her back never ceasing.

Chuckling, she looked up at you, "Don't be. I deserve it. I won this case, but at what cost? Does it ease my guilt about what Sam did to himself? No. However, winning was a step in the right direction. I got cocky along the way, but I got at least a little justice for him and Roy Barnett deserves to go to jail for what he did to all these boys. There is no question about that."

"I agree with you. With everything you just said."

Biting her lower lip gently, she never broke eye contact with you and you had to force yourself not to stare down at her mouth when she said, "I can only repeat myself, Liv. Your jobs were never on the line. I made sure of that."

Reaching over with your left hand, you squeezed her forearm gently, smiling at how slightly slurred her speech was getting. It was adorable. "I know, Alex. It's okay. We know that it wasn't your intention and in the end, it all paid off. In a way…"

Blue orbs locked onto yours intently. You desperately wanted to look away, but you couldn't. It seemed physically impossible for you to break eye-contact with her. You faintly saw her biting her lip once more, her fingers coming up to trace your jaw lightly, as she mumbled, "You have the most mesmerizing eyes I have ever seen. They are like liquid chocolate. So soft and deep. No wonder the victims trust you and the perps spill their deepest, darkest secrets when you question them. I would, too."

You wanted nothing more than to ask her about them, wanted nothing more than to take her hand and kiss her palm, but you knew that you could not do that. So instead, you broke eye-contact with her and started rummaging through your pockets in search for a couple of bills to cover your tab, your eyes glued to the task at hand, "I better go."

You fumbled with the bills and placed them on the bar clumsily when she slid from her barstool as well. Swaying dangerously, she clutched the wood of the bar, but you saw her slowly toppling over. Reacting quickly, you wrapped your arm around her waist and pulled her back into an upright position. Losing her balance once again, she sank against you, her hands on your shoulders. You did not know whether to laugh or cry when her eyes darted to your mouth yet again.

 _She is drunk. Keep it together._

Swallowing hard, you rasped out, "Come on, let's get you a cab."

Giggling wildly, she nodded and tried to put on her coat. You reached out and helped her with the task, because you were slightly worried she would strangle herself in her tipsy state. You wrapped your arm around her waist and steered her out of the bar and outside onto the sidewalk to hail a cab. You contemplated if you should see that she got home safely and go home yourself from there. Deciding that it was probably for the best, you opened the yellow car door for her before getting in yourself. She gave the cabbie her Upper East Side address, and you took off.

 _Of course she lives on Park Avenue. Where else would she live?_

Once there, you got out of the cab and helped her out as well, before paying the cabbie and making your way to the huge, fancy apartment building she lived in.

Someone uniformed opened the door for you and you nodded your thanks, looking around on your way to the elevators, eyeing the beige marble floors and walls warily.

 _Fucking marble…_

You zigzagged through the hallway and tried to pass the counter where the doorman sat, smiling at him, but he stopped you.

"Excuse me. One second. Miss Cabot?"

Alex grinned at him, her eyes glazed over, "Charlie, my friend! How are you tonight?"

You snorted with laughter and you unclipped your badge from your belt to show it to him, still smiling, "Detective Olivia Benson, Special Victims Unit. I'm here to get Miss Cabot home safely. We work together and she's had one too many."

"Oh, I can do that for you, ma'am. It's not a problem."

Waving her hand clumsily at him, she clicked her tongue, "Tsk, tsk, tsk… Charlie… Olivia is _fine_." Leaning over the counter, she stared intently at the brown-eyed, muscular man, stage whispering, "And you can also add her to the _list_!" She tried a wink, but failed miserably, making Charlie laugh as well.

You exchanged a look with the man and grinned, "Sorry about that."

Shaking his head, he answered, "It's not a problem, Detective. Just ride up to the top floor."

 _The penthouse. Of fucking course…_

"Will do. Thank you, Charlie."

He gave you a small nod, "My pleasure, ma'am."

Stumbling into the elevator, she giggled wildly again. You eyed the console, and realized that you needed a key to get to the top floor.

 _Fan-fucking-tastic._

"Alex, I need your keys," you sighed, causing blue eyes to snap up at you, confused. "You need a key to get all the way up, Al."

You smiled at her as she started searching her purse, stumbling in the process. You caught her around the waist once again, "Whoa, Tiger. Hold on to the rail behind you."

Gingerly taking her purse, you found her keys quite easily between her wallet and cell, pulling it out and turning it in the lock on the console. The doors closed and you rode up to the twenty-first floor, before steering her down the private hallway to her penthouse, marble everywhere.

Turning the key once again to open her door, you guided her inside, hoping for some kind of hint regarding where you had to go. You walked through the entryway and saw an open open floor plan with a kitchen and a living and dining room. Intuitively you turned left and saw a hallway with a few doors. You figured that was where the bedrooms and bathrooms were, so you made your way over there, feeling Alex's gaze on you the whole time. However, you had to focus. You could not let her breath on your cheek distract you from the task at hand, which was getting Alex to bed and getting the hell out of her apartment, bringing as much distance between you two as possible.

Entering her bedroom, you immediately noticed the queen-sized bed in the middle of the room, looking so comfy and inviting with its red and white bedspread that you wanted to fall onto it and snuggle into the covers. However, that would mean that hell had frozen over and that you would be sleeping in the same bed with Alex, the stunning blonde who was so far out of your league that it wasn't even funny. Never gonna happen.

So you just guided her to the bed, gently helping her sit down, "Are you gonna be okay, Alex?"

The blonde desperately tried to free herself of her coat and blazer, making you sigh internally.

 _Really? Dear God, what have I done to you that you have to torture me like this?_

Tentatively taking her hands into yours, you pried them away from the garment, before pushing Alex's coat off her shoulders first, letting her blazer follow. Carefully draping both over the armchair at the window, you turned back around to the blonde and kneeled down in front of her. You took a deep breath and started to unbutton her blouse, your eyes zeroing in on each button while doing so, because God forbid you got a glimpse of her bra. You would die. Gone! Irreversibly and unequivocally… Dead!

Ridding her of her heels, you got up, carefully pulling her with you to be able to pull back the bedspread and covers. Her sleepwear was there and you silently sent a _Thank you!_ up to whoever was listening. You pulled her tank top over her head, constantly reminding yourself that this was an act of friendship and nothing more. Pulling the zipper of her skirt down, you tried your best not to hyperventilate, focusing on your breathing, a gentle and deep in and out.

"I got it, Olivia."

You snapped out of your daze at hearing her voice and immediately pulled away from her before getting up and turning around so you faced the window. You could have sworn that you heard her chuckle and felt your ears turn pink.

 _Fucking hell!_

Praying to some higher power that she had not seen you blush, you mumbled, "Okay, I think I'm gonna go."

A frustrated grunt came as a response and you turned your head lightly to get a glimpse of what she was doing. She was still struggling with her pantyhose, one leg already freed, the other foot, however, still tangled in a bunch of nylon. Smiling softly, you kneeled down once again and gently reached for her right foot, slowly untangling it from the offending garment, before helping her into her boxers.

You pulled the sheets back further, making room for her to lie down. She did, her glasses still perched on her nose, now askew from being trapped between the pillow and her head. After having tucked her in, you gently took her glasses off and placed them on the bedside table.

Getting up, you felt a hand in yours, pulling you back down, "Stay!"

You could not stay and you knew it. However, you would never tell her that because you did not have the heart to disappoint her and you would do anything for one Alexandra Cabot. So you sat back down beside her, still holding her hand, and decided that you would leave as soon as she had fallen asleep.

A groggy voice brought you out of your head, "Thank you."

You started rubbing gentle circles over the knuckles of her hand, watching as she immediately drifted off, her breathing evening out until she was fast asleep. Tentatively placing her hand next to her head, you leaned over and pushed a strand of hair out of her face before kissing her temple gently, praying that she would not wake up, "You're welcome, beautiful."

With that, you turned around and got her a glass of water from the kitchen and Aspirin from the bathroom cabinet, placing both next to black-framed glasses on the bedside table. Gingerly taking the keys from her purse, you left the bedroom and unfastened the key to the elevator. You walked over to the entryway table and searched your own purse for a piece of paper and a pen, before scribbling down a note for Alex.

 _Good morning Sunshine,_

 _I hope you slept well and you had sweet dreams. I let myself out. I left the key to the elevator with Charlie, just in case you were wondering._

 _See you at work,_

 _Olivia_

 _PS: You snore, Cabot! :)_

You taped the note to the front door, leaving the keys on the entryway table, before gently pulling the door closed behind you.

When you had reached the ground floor you walked over to a smiling Charlie, handing him the key, "Would you be so kind and give this to Alex tomorrow morning before she comes down?"

Chuckling, he replied, "She has a spare. I will give this one to her when she leaves for work. I will be here until eight tomorrow morning, so it won't be a problem."

You beamed at him, "Perfect. Thank you very much."

He shook his head, still smiling, "Not a problem, ma'am. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Charlie."

xxxx

You dragged yourself up the stairs to your apartment, your cabbie's _Frozen_ soundtrack still ringing in your ears. The case had been tough for all of you and you were glad to be finally home. You unlocked your door and rid yourself of your purse and jacket before locking up behind you.

Not bothering to switch on the lights, you walked straight into your bedroom and shed your clothes before throwing a tank and sweatpants on and brushing your teeth. After rinsing, you sat on the edge of your bed, carefully applying your almond body lotion to your arms, legs, cleavage, and neck before applying night moisturizer to your face.

After your nightly routine was finished, you crawled under the covers and closed your eyes, trying to get some much needed sleep. However, it seemed like sleep did not want to come. Your mind was reeling, your head filling with images of Alex. She was storming out of the squad room, hips swaying, her perfect backside hugged by a pencil skirt. The blonde turned her head and looked back at you, sending you a smile and a wink over her shoulder, blue eyes sparkling with mischief.

Turning to your right, you hugged a pillow to your chest, sighing deeply, willing the images to leave your head because objectifying Alex was the most disrespectful thing you could possibly do. She deserved so much more than that, because you loved her. You loved her so much that it tore you apart every day that you could not be with her.

You wanted to look into sleepy blue eyes when you woke up in the morning, you wanted to bring her coffee to the bed so you could wake up together, you wanted to press your body against hers when you fell to sleep at night. So many things that you wanted to do, so many things that you wanted to express, but you couldn't. So many feelings were pent up inside your body, inside your heart that it killed you each and every day.

Feeling the fatigue in every fiber of your being, you knew that you desperately needed sleep. However, how did you get sleep when your mind kept going a hundred miles an hour? You knew how, but you couldn't. Or could you?

 _Oh, fuck this._

Turning onto your back, you threw the covers off of you, ridding yourself of your sleepwear. After staring at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity, contemplating if you should do this, you started to let your fingertips skim across your belly lightly. Your body was high-strung and tense, your skin hyper-sensitive from having been so close to Alex for the last couple of hours.

You felt every brush of your fingertips against your skin, making you shudder lightly and goosebumps spread over your body. Feeling your nipples harden, you let your hands wander further up to your breasts, circling them with a featherlight touch before cupping them fully. You moaned softly as your palms grazed your hard nipples, sending shockwaves through your body, making your clit twitch with arousal. Wetting your forefingers and thumbs, you rolled your pebbled nubs between them, making them stand at attention even more, letting your thoughts drift off…

xxxx

 _Your hands were buried in thick, flaxen locks as Alex let your left nipple go with a soft pop, her hand never stopping massaging the right. She came back up, her face leveled with yours, your noses brushing and you could feel hot puffs of her breath against your lips before she kissed you deeply. You whimpered when her wet tongue entered your mouth, tangling with your own, while her right hand wandered down, tickling around your navel before settling between your legs._

 _Her middle finger eased between your lower lips, gathering some of the wetness that had already been oozing from you, and stroked up to your swollen clit, to the place where you needed her the most._

 _Your whole body jumped at the first contact, making you gasp and break the liplock you were in, "A-lex!"_

 _She started drawing tiny circles to your engorged nub, with a barely there touch, and you relished in the feeling of being so intimate with her. Your hips moved against her finger, keeping the contact light, giving you pleasure, making you wetter, but not making you come. Not just yet._

 _Her eyes were on yours the whole time, never breaking eye-contact when she brushed your noses together, "What do you need, my sweet?"_

 _You clumsily reached for your bedside table and opened the drawer, pulling out your seven-inch strap-on. When she saw the light blue appendage she smiled, taking it from your hands and securing it to her hips with your assistance._

 _She crawled back on the bed and found her way in between your legs once again, your hips jerking when the toy brushed your entrance. She brought her lips back to yours, kissing you deeply, but slowly. Her right forefinger eased into you, making you cry out in pleasure, before she added a second and began a slow pumping motion of in and out, her thumb brushing your clit ever so lightly, causing more excitement to leave your body._

" _Oh fuck, Baby. Just like that," you breathed against her lips, eyes locked, noses brushing._

 _Moving your hips lightly to get just enough pleasure once again, you twitched every time your clit was being stimulated and it was delicious. You did not want it to end. She added a third finger, stretching you wider, opening you up before the toy would be used. Stilling her movements to let you adjust, she waited for a sign from you that it was okay to move._

 _When your eyes met, dark blue pools were staring straight into your soul and you whispered, "Please, Al. Make love to me."_

 _Her breath caught in her throat at your words and she removed her fingers gently before kneeling on the bed between your legs. You opened your legs wider as she grabbed the appendage with her right hand and brought the tip to your lower lips. You groaned in pleasure when the toy brushed your wetness and you leaned your head back, biting your lip gently._

 _Her eyes never left you as she moved the phallus along your slit, circling your clit, before wandering back down. You felt the tip enter you and you whimpered, opening your eyes again to be able to look at her. Her left hand stroked your right inner thigh soothingly as her right spread your wetness over the toy, lubricating it to facilitate her entry._

 _She pushed further in, making you throw your head back and moan loudly at the intrusion. Her right hand left the phallus and tickled its way back up your body, massaging your breasts alternately. When she brushed your sensitive nipple once again, your hips jerked and your pelvis pushed down onto the toy further. Another primal sound ripped from your throat. She was halfway in now, withdrawing slowly, before pushing back in all the way, just as slowly._

 _You shuddered in pleasure at the thought that she was filling you to the hilt, her pelvis pressed against yours. Leaning forward so your upper bodies were pressed together, she framed your head with her arms, kissing you longingly as she withdrew, pushing her tongue inside your mouth at the same time she reentered you._

 _She set a slow and steady pace, both your hips rocking against each other in unison, and your buried your fingers in thick, blonde locks. When air became a necessity you pried your lips away from hers, cerulean blue orbs locking onto your own brown ones, silent question in her eyes._

" _Please, Baby. Faster!" you breathed against her lips, wrapping your legs around her waist as a sign for her that it was okay. The new angle made you groan in pleasure, your g-spot being hit with each of her movements now._

 _She swallowed hard and brushed her nose against yours, as she thrusted into you just as slowly. You knew that she was scared to go faster because she did not want to hurt you and you loved her so much for it._

 _You whispered, "It's okay, Baby. You won't hurt me. Please, faster."_

 _She licked her lips and you saw concern in her eyes; concern and so much love and devotion that it made you want to cry. Pushing herself up, she now placed her palms next to your head instead of her forearms to give her better leverage as she gradually picked up her pace._

" _Oh my… fuck!" you whimpered, your sounds of pleasure soon filling the room and mingling with the sound your wetness created each time she pulled out and pushed back in._

 _Angling her thrusts lightly, she went faster but never too hard, focusing on hitting the sensitive spot deep inside you, making you wail. You pulled her head down so her forehead was resting on your shoulder and soon you were panting into the crook of her neck, your body tensing in preparation for your impending release._

 _Your breaths were short when you chanted, "Oh fuck, Baby. Oh, yes. Yes… yes… yes! Oh, fuck. So close…"_

 _Her right hand trailed down between your legs, drawing tight circles to your clit, and you exploded, wave after wave of your climax washing over you as you moaned, your aftershocks seeming endless._

 _Continuing her pumping motion, she kissed your chin and up your jawline, nibbling on your earlobe gently, waiting for you to come back to her._

 _You unwrapped your thighs from around her waist, your legs falling open limply as you recovered. Both your bodies were covered in perspiration, noses tucked into each others necks, both of you still panting._

 _She pushed herself up and started to pull out, making you shudder. She saw the tremors going through your body and smiled, biting her lip in this sexy manner that always did it for you. Grabbing your hips, she encouraged you to turn onto your stomach and you did just that, your breath deepening once again at the thought of what was about to come._

 _She placed hot, open-mouthed kisses to your spine, her tongue darting out and trailing between your shoulder blades before her entire front was pressed against your back, her mouth next to your ear, "Relax, Baby. Let me make you feel good."_

 _Biting your lip gently, you turned your head to the side and let it rest against your fluffy pillows as she pulled your hips up and slowly, tenderly sheathed the toy back inside. Her left hand was holding on to your hip as she pumped steadily, her right hand featherlightly stroking up and down your spine._

 _When she leaned back over you, you could feel her hard nipples brush your back and her hot breath next to your right ear, while the toy inside you once again hit your g-spot with each of her thrusts._

" _That's it, Baby," she whispered against your ear before rimming the shell with her tongue._

" _I… I… oh, fuck," you wailed, moving your hips backwards each time the toy entered you._

 _Nuzzling the spot behind your ear with her nose, she softly asked, "What, my love?"_

" _I want you to come with me," you rasped, your right hand reaching back so you could cup the back of her head, fingers tangling in silky, flaxen locks._

 _You felt her hand on her abdomen, slipping lower so her fingers were back on your clit, and your whole body jerked. She picked up her pace once again and panted against your cheek, a sign for you that she was close to coming as well._

 _Fast circles were drawn to your clit as her hips started thrusting into you erratically, her orgasm ripping through her, and the sounds she was making did it for you as well. Moaning loudly, you let your climax wash over you, as you finalized your movements together, both your loud moans turning into soft whimpers as you felt her lips against your shoulder the whole time._

xxxx

"Oh, Alex…" you mewled as your heavy breaths echoed through your bedroom, your throat dry, your body in desperate need of hydration. You pulled your toy out tentatively, wincing from the slight soreness you felt. You dropped it next to your bed, clumsily reaching over to your bedside table for a bottle of water, your eyes never opening.

Your sensitive nipples brushed your bed sheet and you let out a shaky breath before taking a couple of generous gulps from the bottle. The bottle slipped from your hand while you tried to put it back on the nightstand, but you couldn't care less. Instead, you weakly reached down for the covers and pulled them up, snuggling into them, your mind blank, a blissful, satiated slumber overcoming you immediately.

xxxx

 **A/N 3: Thank you for reading. Wow, that is an annoyingly long chapter. I'm sorry for that, but things just kept unfolding on their own. After the writer's block came the inspiration and I just went with it. So I hope that this made up for the fact that I haven't updated in ages. :)**

 **The quote in the beginning is taken from Nickelback's song** _ **Trying Not to Love You**_ **.**

 **There are a lot of ideas for the next chapter in my head. However, it is possible that I will continue** _ **This Feeling**_ **first or that I will start an Alex/Casey story that's been haunting me since December. Let's just see where the muse leads me. Let me know what you want to see in chapter 9 if you like. :)**

 **However, please bear in mind that I'm swamped at work, because I have to work two jobs, and that I'm also writing my master thesis at the moment. So this might take a while.**

 **Reviews are love. Until next time. :)**


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